What does your husband want from you in bed?

Nearly every couple I know fights about sex. When we are young and in love, it is impossible to imagine sex becoming a topic of tension. However, whenever we consider what sex involves, it makes perfect sense that it would be a common point of disagreement.

Consider:

Nearly every couple has a partner who desires more sex and one who desires less. (See: Are You Having Enough Sex?)

Nothing we do makes us as vulnerable as what sex requires.

There is no area in which our mistakes or the abuses of others can injure us like sex.

We live in a culture that does not openly discuss or teach about sex.

Yet we live in a culture which regularly gives the impression that everyone else is sexually satisfied.

Sex is influenced by our spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental problems.

Marriage is the only Biblically acceptable place to enjoy sexual satisfaction. (See: You Will Have An Affair If…)

When we consider these facts, it should never surprise us that we experience sexual tension within marriage.

Whenever I speak with women, one of the most common questions I get is “What does he want from me?”

It’s a question about sex and it’s a good question. (See: What I Tell College Students About Sex)

The answer is “Different things for different men.” Because of past experiences, mistakes, foolish decisions, and/or abuse, many men want different things from their wives. But if a man is healthy—emotionally, spiritually, physically—their desire is always the same.

A healthy husband wants one thing from you in bed. He wants YOU. Unhindered. Unencumbered. You.

The great temptation for wives is to only give part of themselves to their husbands, and rightfully so. We are broken people living in a broken world. Everyone is tempted to protect themselves, but especially when it comes to sex and especially women.

Yet God’s design is for one man and one woman to fully know each other in their marriage bed.

This can’t happen on the honeymoon. It takes time, effort, the building of trust, exploring vulnerabilities, learning to let go, appreciating who God made you to be both as a person and as a man/woman. It’s a journey for a couple full of failure and success. It’s such a personal journey, it should only take place in marriage. It’s too risky to attempt this process outside of the vows of commitment. (See: Pastoral Advice for Single Women)

This is what a man wants—at least a healthy man. Unhealthy men might be motivated by other things—selfishness, desires created by abuse or pornography, etc. But healthy men simply want YOU.

Two questions:

1. Is your husband reasonably healthy? No one is perfect. We are all broken in some ways. But is your husband reasonably healthy? While his desires might be different than yours, are they unhealthy desires or just different desires? Is he fully committed to you? Is he faithful in a variety of areas as your husband? Is he growing emotionally, spiritually, and relationally? (See: I Wouldn’t Sleep With You Either)

2. Are you giving him all of yourself? Are you holding back? Are you simply giving him part of you? Are you protecting your heart or soul out of fear or uneasiness? Are you hoping to do the minimum required? Or are you giving him all of you—the best of you, the most energetic of you, the most engaged of you? Are you seeking to find satisfaction for yourself and your spouse?

If the answer to either question is “no,” you need to get help. If a husband isn’t healthy, his wife cannot trust him with her heart. He must begin to heal before she can begin to give herself to him. But if your husband is healthy and you aren’t giving him all of yourself, you need to get help. You need to explore what is holding you back and to take steps in giving your husband what he deserves—you.

It may not be the desire of every husband, but it is the desire of healthy husbands. What they really want in bed is you. If they have a reasonable amount of emotional and spiritual health, you should give yourself to them. And while you may not agree to their every request, you should be honored by their desire because what they desire is you.

Women, for more, check out Shelia Gregoire’s book 31 Days to Great Sex.