Sep 042013 70 Responses

If I Could Tell Wives One Thing

Wives: Spend the rest of your marriage trying to understand the importance of sex in the lives of men, especially your husbands.

You don’t get it.

You will never fully get it.

Even your husband can’t completely explain it.

Yet, God created him to view sex in a different way than you.

And he is not wrong for doing so.

He is not a pervert.

He might seek unbiblical ways to express his sexuality. He might have bought into counterfeit forms of proper sexual expression. He might do perverted things.

Yet his desire for sex and his need for sex is not perverted.

While perverts do exist, and while many men are expressing their sexuality in extremely unhealthy ways, primarily through and because of pornography, when healthy sexuality is called perversion, that in and of itself is perversion.

Men do not view sex the same way as women. There is nothing wrong with the differences. And one is not more holy than the other.

Far too many women enter into marriage understanding there are differences, but never make any effort to explore the differences, never seek to understand their spouse, and often stand in judgment of their spouse assuming the husband needs to become more like the wife.

This is wrong.

If I could only tell wives one thing in regards to marriage, it would be to continually grow in understanding the power of sex to the male mind, especially their husbands. (There are times in which men have a low sex drive. If you are in this type of relationship, read this–Gentlemen, Start Your Engines)

Here are a few thoughts:

1. Sex is so powerful, do not bring it into a relationship until marriage. As I often tell single women, do not sleep with a man until he is willing to die for you. When men engage in sex before marriage, they cannot think clearly enough to make the best decision regarding marriage. Sex is so powerful, it clouds the man’s ability to make a rational decision.

2. Men often feel intimacy through sex. While many women have sex as a result of intimacy, many men feel intimacy because of sex. Every time you hear your husband talk about sex, realize he is actually talking about intimacy. It may not be intimacy the way you think of it, but it is intimacy the way he thinks of it (and remember, neither viewpoint is better than the other).

3. When you reject sex, men feel like you are rejecting them. I’m not saying you are. I’m not saying this is right. But I am saying how it most often is. To reject sex feels impersonal to you, but feels very personal to a man. Yet you should still have a right to reject sex. This is one reason I created the 24-hour rule. It gives the wife the ability to reject sex, but gives the husband a set time frame within which sex will occur. “Not now” is given a time-frame. I’m yet to meet a man who dislikes the 24 hour rule.

4. When sex is not a priority for you, men feel like they are not a priority for you. It’s the same as number 3, but just as important. To the extent you make sex a priority, husbands will feel like you have made them a priority. On a regular basis, I meet women who claim their family is a top priority, but they have not sought to understand their husband’s view on sex. While they might think family is their top priority, their husbands will not feel like a top priority.

5. Because it’s important to me, it should be important to you. We do not have the right to tell our spouses what they can and cannot care about. Even if you don’t understand the sexual needs of your spouse, you still have to care about them. If they care about it, you should care about it.

6. You are your husband’s only proper sexual outlet. This should be his boundary and your encouragement. God created most men to greatly need sex. If God created men this way and allowed you to marry your husband, then he created you to be your husband’s only proper sexual outlet. This is a great pleasure and a great responsibility. While a man is fully responsible for his decision making, it helps to have a partner in the battle against temptation. Women, find out more in the post: This Is Only for Women.

Sex is not everything. It’s not even the most important thing. Yet it is a vital component to a healthy marriage. When a wife makes an intentional effort to understand her husband’s viewpoint of sex, he feels heard, understood, and desired. When she ignores it; he feels ignored.

There are a lot of things I want to tell wives regarding marriage, but if I hard to narrow it down to one thing, it would be this: spend the rest of your marriage trying to understand the importance of sex in the minds of men, especially your husbands.

Ok husbands and wives, what would you add to my list?

For further reading, check-out Kevin Leman’s book Sheet Music.

See: If I Could Tell Husbands One Thing

70 Responses to If I Could Tell Wives One Thing
  1. Beth Reply

    I do understand that God created our husbands to be very sexually active. Bur what can I do when I am faced with living with fibromyalgia. I live in constant pain, especially my hips . I want to have intimacy with my husband, but even when we cuddle, he’s expecting sex in the end. He doesn’t want me to hurt, but there’s not enough painkillers in the world to keep from it. Suggestions?

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Beth,
      This is a wonderful question. It also illustrates the proverbial nature of this blog. What I say is generally true, but there are clearly situations that fall outside the norm. I would contact a marriage counselor and seek advice. If you live in the Fort Smith region, call me and I can refer you to one. It’s possible they could have several suggestions regarding this issue.
      Thank you for the question.

    • NotReallyMe Reply

      I know this is an old post but I’m commenting on it anyway!
      Beth, I kind of understand where your coming from. Even though I don’t have fibromyalgia as you do, I am familiar with it because my mom suffers from it. But I suffer from my own pains, herniated disk and arthritis that is pinching my sciatic nerve in my hips causing pain down my leg that gets so bad it brings me to the floor at times and I can’t walk on that leg at times. As well, my spine’s curvature is opposite of what it should be at my hips, moving up I guess there is a missing disk so that there’s bone on bone, a lot of arthritis for being only 43, I carry stress and tensions in my shoulders and my neck, and have a swollen disk between C5 and C6 and there’s a bone spur in the exact same spot that the disk is pushing on. So, I am in pain every day of my life, but I still like having sex and find that sometimes it can help take my mind of the intense pain. I also like to have “quickies” more often through out the day, but that’s opposite of the way my man has become. We were once on the same page but as we age he likes to make it last longer, (I think this is actually because it just takes longer for him to reach lease) so an hour of sex and trying to withstand the impact becomes quite painful and I’ve never been into pain during sex, but the pain turns me off, so that after 15 minutes I start to dry out and am no longer turned on. And at times lay there praying it ends soon and when it does finally end I feel like I’ve been hit by a Mac truck and am in more pain than what I was before having sex and my vagina is on fire that has required an ice pack! But, regardless of the pain, I still “give in” or uphold to my “duties”, but what makes it harder for me each time is that if its really bad, he just doesn’t accept no and the worse feeling in the world to experience with your husband is to try to pretend your enjoying yourself, while trying to hide the tears coming from your eyes!

  2. John Reply

    My marriage has disintegrated because of this very problem. I have been made to feel like a ‘sex maniac’ for wanting to have normal sexual relations with my wife of 13 years. The flame of passion burned bright when we first met. We had great sex early in our marriage, but as she aged my wife became asexual. The act soon became a chore for her that left me dissatisfied and filled with guilt. I have thought that this is just part of marriage and aging; that the fire dies to nothing but faint embers. More women should read this if they hope to keep their man. Sex is not a ‘tool’ to trap a man and then be set aside. I’m very relieved to see this article which eloquently states what I have felt inside and lived.

    • Sherry Reply

      Yes, John as people age and hormones lag sex can become a “chore” for both parties. I would encourage both men and women to seek hormone help. It takes a lot of searching, but there are doctors out there now who will help. It does become a “chore” and very painful for a woman to have sex when her vagina has shrunk and is all dried out. Why would you want to do something that HURTS not only during but for days after the act? Mix with that the erectile dysfunction that men start having and most people say ,”why bother”!! With correct hormone therapy you can enjoy great sex once more!!

    • NotReallyMe Reply

      Wow, John, at first I was feeling empathy for you, that was until I reach the part where you had to say “more women should read this if they hope to keep their man.” I’ve heard many men refer to their penis’ as “tools”, but I haven’t ever heard a vagina being called a “tool” created for the sole purpose of trapping men! If it’s a trap, you think that all men would know this and do what ever it takes to avoid it. Maybe they are catching on and more are choosing to be with other men instead? And in regards to the passion that burned so bright at the beginning, when you first met, came from the “newness”, excitement, anticipations, unknown, and attraction that is experienced at the start of a new relationship, (it is extremely powerful and can become addicting) but then once the woman “traps” a man, there’s no longer the need to go out hunting any more! So both women and men become lazy and because the man’s been he feels there’s no escape and women feel since they caught a man, there’s no longer a reason or need to impress the man, since it already worked! Women get comfortable and can let themselves go and men think they no longer have to impress their wives, because they already did this and it worked, they got them into bed! Even though it’s been 25 years since the day I met the man I would marry, I can still remember and experience those feelings at had for him back then and I soooooo long to have those feelings again. I think this is one of the main reasons that both men and women cheat, is to experience the passion and feel the heat once again! So, just like the fire you start in a fire place or in a pit at a park your camping at, if you don’t want to experience the “cold” or eat your food raw, you do what you have to, to keep the fire burning (cutting wood and gathering it, finding foliage, or buying more lighting fluid from the gas station) because keeping the fire burning is soooo much easier than having to restart it, if you’ve let the fire go out! Problem is, keeping a home warm or making sure there’s a cooked meal to eat becomes the woman’s “job” or “chore” and some men think that since it is, it is then also their “job”, “duty”, or chore to keep and make sure that the fire stays burning, but if there is no wood stocked up in a reserve eventually it will be gone, and the fire (will have no other option) than to burn out!!!!!!

    • Andre Theman Reply

      I’d like to cosign to this post wholeheartedly!

  3. Ed Garner Reply

    Failed to mention how women often use sex (or the withholding thereof) to get their way or what they want. This is not right, either! It makes men feel manipulated and cheap!

  4. Amy Henry Reply

    This stirs up the whole ‘chicken and egg’ thing. What comes first, a woman not wanting sex, or a man not wanting intimacy the way woman feels it? And who ‘gives in’ first to whom? Who’s responsibility is it to initiate?

    The answer is both, but if it’s the man who is wanting sex this badly, it only makes sense that he be the one to try to figure out what gets a woman ‘wanting’ it as well. Women are not turned on by a fatso sitting on the couch eating garlic popcorn. Women are not turned on by passivity of any shape, size, or form. Women are not turned on by guilt trips or pity parties.

    Sure, we can ‘give in’ or ‘do our duty’ but what man wants that? Gosh, guys, have you tried flirting with your wives? Catching their eye during a party? Watching her make dinner or love on the baby and commented on how beautiful she looked? Are you developed intellectually, are you interesting, are you alive and vibrant with ideas and energy? Because if you aren’t, no woman in the world is going to want to have sex with you. Woo, for heaven’s sake, before whining that she is asexual. I don’t buy that for a living second. If your wife is too bored with you to want sex, at least START with yourself. If she never responds, well, then you have a problem, Houston. But at least look at yourself and say, if I were her, would I want to have sex with me? And if the answer’s, no way, you’ve got some work to do. Light the fire, dudes or quit complaining that there’s no heat!

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Well said Amy. It kind of matches my post from last month: http://www.kevinathompson.com/i-wouldnt-sleep-with-you-either/

    • Sherry Reply

      I would like to add to this Amy. How about having clean hands and a clean penis. Do you know how many infections a woman gets because of this? Men touch their penis to pee with dirty hands then without washing himself off wants to have sex with a woman???? My man will say before he starts touching me. I need to wash my hands or my hands/penis are clean. He knows these are the magic words that make me instantly ready!! This may seem like over kill, but if a man had to suffer through a bladder or yeast infection he would make sure he was clean!!

      • NotReallyMe Reply

        Omg, Sherry this is a great point! The problem I have a lot, is that my man is a foreman and works with and on Heavy Equipment, (skid loader, backhoe, excavator, and so on) and isn’t afraid to work and get dirty with the labors’ so when he comes home can be dirty from head to toe, his hands are dirty, calloused and stained black, his clothes are filthy and at times can never get totally clean, and he wears blue jeans and sometimes (mostly when its cold) his bibs or cover alls and you know damn well that even if it is cold outside he’s still sweat throughout the day and had to go to the bathroom and since men don’t wipe and their hands are dirty…….. I’m thinking you’d want to take a shower as soon as you got home, but because it’s so late when he gets home the first thing that he does is eat and after he eats he’s in the mood for some desert, immediately but doesn’t have a clue, why you don’t jump when he says “lets go do it” and that you drag your feet on getting you to the bedroom…….hmmmmm? I wonder, why it takes me so long??????

      • Ci Reply

        My husband has very poor hygiene & has stuck a toothbrush in his mouth once within three and a half years. Says he doesn’t need to use a toothbrush because he has dentures. Then he wants to be all over me when he’s dirty sweaty and stinky. I told him I don’t like that but his comment …. I’m your husband for god sakes that shouldn’t matter !!!! — well yes it does to me and he wonders why I don’t want to have sex with him

        • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

          That’s an issue he is going to need to work on. If it’s important to you, it should be important to him.

    • Jeanetta Reply

      spot on!! Great post!!

    • Walu Reply

      Typical judgmental woman with an attitude problem laying all the blame on “dudes”.

    • Sergio Reply

      Too much expectations.

  5. Sherry Reply

    Women experience sex as intimacy as well. To say there is a huge difference between men and women in this regard is not understanding that some men are good at making sex an intimate loving experience and some are not. My husband didnt know how things were supposed to work because he was raised in a very conservative christian private school and never had sex ed. Combine that with ED and PE and you have a very unfulfilling experience for the wife. Then because of pornography he thinks that alternate forms of sex…rather than the way God intended it…should be the answer rather than dealing with his inadequacies. I am sure my experience is not unusual. I had sex with my husband twice when he was asking for a divorce, hoping to spark intimacy. Eventhough we had a great experience, he still wanted me to move out. This is how some christian men are.

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  7. […] If I Could Tell Wives One Thing This post was actually a set-up. I wrote If I Could Tell Husbands O... kevinathompson.com/sex2013
  8. Angela Reply

    My marriage is the complete opposite of this. I feel like the man in the relationship! I would like to have sex every day, or at least every other day, but I am often turned down. I am out of ideas to fix it! I shower every day, I work out, I cook, I clean, and work a full-time job outside of our home. It really affects my self-esteem because I can’t figure out why he wouldn’t want to have sex with me. I would want to have sex with me!

  9. Angela Reply

    Thank you for your prompt response. I read the article and I think it is probably number 3. I’m also a little worried about number 4. Unfortunately, I have tried to discuss it many times and I’m not having much luck. We really need to see a counselor, but…well, let’s just say that I’m not the hold-up. I’ve been reading your blogs all day since a friend posted one. I have seen some things that I could change to make my life easier until/if I can convince him to see a therapist with me. Thanks for your writing, and I really appreciate reading about the healthy relationship you have with your wife. It gives me hope!

  10. Rebekah Reply

    How is it that men and women can be celibate and happy/fulfilled for decades prior to (or in between) marriages but then suddenly when a man gets married then regular sex becomes a critical priority?

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Rebekah, It’s an interesting question. While I think it is very possible to live a happy and productive life with celibacy, I do think the opportunity for appropriate sexual expression and in marriage the actuall command of God to nourish a healthy sexual relationship makes it a top priority.

    • Sam Reply

      After being married now 13 years here is my best reply from experience which I believe address’s this forthright. When I lived a celibate life all but two of my 28 years prior to marriage to be quite frank, I had singular focus not to have a sexual relationship to be fully engaged with Christ and His direction, His affection, His time, without considering the needs of another nor the intimacy, especially in that depth. Once you have created oneness with your spouse, you continually desire to remain that way, intimate, vulnerable, connected, but outside of physical oneness…well, lets just say something is missing which I believe is by intent. There is also an attraction…could be pheromones, could be just an attraction when you sleep next to your wife each night as well. I can say without doubt that I even have a difficult time sleeping and will find myself up until 2am or even avoid sleeping at the same time rather than deal with the frustration knowing she’s quite clueless and after multiple conversations even so blunt and polite the understanding resulting in change escapes. So, rather than create a stir, I’ll lay there until she’s asleep and fall asleep elsewhere just to evade what becomes a night awake waiting to sleep.Its just not worth losing another night of sleep which I can do nothing to remedy. You don’t have this sort of problem when you’re celibate for sure! Life is very different after marriage, 6 children, and a very busy life. For those believing its simply a shower, courting, a real kiss, time away, lack of connection outside of this aspect, weight gain, poor connection with Christ, wants beyond reasonable expectation I can clearly say….addressed. Sometimes the weight of the world is just an even greater match.

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  12. Feeling Lost Reply

    Sex feels like a chore to me. I can’t hug, watch television, or even kiss my husband without it HAVING to lead to sex. Then when I get mad and tell him no it makes me feel bad. I don’t know what to do. I can have sex with my husband all he wants but I’ll be getting nothing out of it. All I want is to be able to watch a movie or lay my head down on my husband’s chest and relax but I can’t. It has to lead to sex every single time. We’ve talked about it many times and nothing has changed yet.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      I would find a good marriage counselor to assist you both through this issue. Ideally, you could negotiate plenty of non-sexual touch in the same way I often help couples negotiate sexual touch.

    • NotReallyMe Reply

      I have to sadly say that I can relate to this, and we’re not the only ones!!! This is a real big problem between men and women in intimate relationships. It is one thing to understand how sex is for men, but it is just as much a man’s responsibility to understand what sex is to women as well. This is a very hot topic that has to be addressed and compromises made. It’s not a bad thing, if snuggling, cuddling, holding hands or kissing leads to sex, actually it’s all the better. But it shouldn’t have to, every single time! Flirting, touching and teasing throughout the time you are able to spend together helps ignite the passion and start the fire! But when it becomes predictable that any intimacy outside of sex, is done only to have sex or the ever popular view of men that if they get turned on, that something HAS TO BE DONE (with it) because it’s the last time they will ever in their lives get turned on again! Please, I promise and guarantee, unless there is a medical condition, you CAN and WILL get turned on again!!! So, being the wife, with the responsibility, you give in, at first to please your man, but when its this way day after day, month after month….they it becomes a chore and usually has a woman, we already have a lot of “chores” that we really don’t need any more!

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  14. Sherri Reply

    I’m not even married yet, but I have two kids by my fiancé. We’ve been together for 5 years. I totally agree with you how sex is so powerful and that it shouldn’t be shared until marriage. I no longer anticipate getting married because I feel like I don’t have anything left to give. Sex has become a chore to me now. I feel like I have made the ultimate mistake by putting so much into this relationship. I want a relationship God will honor.

  15. Bob Reply

    “New research is demonstrating what many people already knew from experience: Women lose interest in sex over time, while men don’t. The finding has the potential to help couples, the researchers said. Knowing that many women’s sexual desire diminishes over the course of a relationship could encourage both partners to be more realistic about their sex lives, and could help them weather the changes in desire as they occur.”

    http://www.livescience.com/18233-women-lose-sexual-desire.html

  16. Joy Reply

    I’m a wife, and I do get. I really get it. I get it because I am the one being rejected. Have I been cold to my husband and caused him to feel so hurt that he doesn’t want to initiate? No–I always say yes. I am, in fact, a warm wife. This “you were cold and ruined him” argument is so common and so off the mark for me that it acts as another punch to the gut. When you do all the asking and your husband is too tired/ate too much pizza/watches TV into the night instead of wanting a physical relationship it impacts a woman’s self esteem profoundly. Being sexually rejected is not some sort of pain unique to men. Evidently more and more women are complaining of rejection lately. I think it’s not really that more women are experiencing it, it’s just that they are more willing to get out from under the weight of shame we carry for being so “weird” and speak up. Maybe what these cold women need to hear is that there are plenty of women out there ready to go, so they need to step it up.

  17. Scarlett Languini Reply

    I am a woman but I am having this same problem with my male partner. It makes it twice as hard because it is always assumed that it is women that take this role and it’s the last thing you would ever expect from a man. I fail to comprehend how someone feels they have the right to trap you into monogamy and then refuse to have any kind of sexual relationship with you – and when I mean any it is in a literal sense – not diminished sex life zero sex life.

  18. Jen Reply

    What if you’re the wife… And your husband doesnt want sex? Everything listed here is me…. Its like roles are reversed. I cant be the only one….

  19. NotReallyMe Reply

    Kevin, I have really enjoyed your blog the past few days after finding it on familyshare.com. I have found your writings interesting and pretty relative to agree with, until I came upon this one! For some reason this one has struck a nerve and is borderline to pissing me off! And I know it’s not all because of what you’ve said or how you said it but is because of of my own relationship and the circumstance/situation that I have found myself in. Guess I’m mad at myself for being in it……So, I’ll stop here and spare you my comment!

    • Chris Reply

      NotReallyMe, I have read many of your comments. Some I understand, some I don’t. However, my understanding is irrelevant. I realize you posted a few months ago, but if you happen back on this site, I want you to know someone has prayed for you and your marriage today.

  20. Frank Reply

    I understand completely!!!! I’ve been married for nearly 14 years. When my wife and, I were dating we made a pact that we would abstain from sex until married. This was not an easy task for me since I was not a virgin, and she was. I’d had sexual partners in the past, and I just needed to change my outlook on relationships. There were moments when sh wanted to give herself to me, but I resisted, and there were also times when I was getting to passionate, and she needed to resist. After 7 years of dating, and resisting the desire to tear each other clothes off we married. I was so excited, but then everything was not as I thought, we did pre-marital counseling, and one thing that stood out from the meeting was what our idea of sex. I think the issue is with what I see on a daily basis while at work; I’m referring to myself, and not to every other male in the world. I love women who are the following :

    A) Confident
    B) Assertive
    C) Attractive
    D) Loving
    E) Sexual (with her husband)
    F) Godly

    It seems that my wife treats sex like a chore, and not a desire. I told her that it’s ok for a man to desire his wife in a loving, intimate, romantic, and sexual manner. However it’s very upsetting when she no longer desire’s me in the same way. I understand that women will not always be available mentally, and physically at a moments notice, but if the only time your going to feel sexual towards your spouse is when I take you on a couples vacation, intimate dinner’s, surprising you with gift’s, and when the stars aligned just right, then this is not something I”m “NOT” happy about.

  21. Brenda Reply

    I have rejected my husband for years. We dated for 6 years and have been married for almost two. I didn’t realize how important sex was to a man and what rejection made him feel. He told me we didn’t have enough sex but I just thought it was for pleasure. I didn’t realize the pain I caused him. He told me he was not happy with me and that this is why. Since then I went to see a counselor and realized that I never felt pleasure from sex because of my association of pleasure with feeling dirty due to childhood abuse. I overcame that but my husband doesn’t know if he wants to work in the relationship. He doesn’t want to go through this again and nothing guarantees that I won’t change back. I reassured him that I won’t because I love him and know this is how he receives love. That we can talk of things aren’t how he wants and we can change to make each other happy. He still hasn’t given me a chance to prove this to him. What else can I do?

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Brenda, I’m not sure there is much more you can do. It sounds as though you have looked at yourself, recognized your own issues, and worked on them. I’m not sure what else can be hoped for or expected from you.

    • Chris Reply

      Brenda, I doubt many women understand how deeply it wounds a man to be turned down by his wife, even if they have read it and understand the words. I don’t know if you have a personal relationship with Christ, but He is the first one I would turn to. I would also encourage you to continue to reach out to your husband. It is likely that his heart will soften and the bitterness that he is likely holding onto will eventually begin to fade. If he is willing, Christ can give him a renewed excitement about your marriage. I hope you will be encouraged to know that statistics show that marriages that work through the tough obstacles are likely to become more satisfying and healthier than when things were easier before those obstacles appeared.

  22. steph Reply

    Im a woman and i feel the exact same when my partner regularly rejects me.
    Sometimes after a rejection he rolls over and falls asleep while i lay awake my heart pounding so hard it hurts. Tears streaming down my face i feel so many negative things all at once.
    Unworthy, not good enough, disgusting, jelousy of my girlfriends sex life stories, unsatisfied, frustrate, alone, angry and spiteful, hate anxiety.
    I understand compromise and ynderstanding is key. We cant get what we want all the time but its destroying my self esteem happiness and our relationship.
    I honestly need sex sometimes to bond us back romanticly. But he isnt interested.
    Makes me want to cheat to be honest but i know deep down i wouldnt enjoy it because in my heart id be wishing it was my partner loving my body and not anybody else.
    Im really at breaking point.

  23. Morgan Reply

    I would LOVE for my husband to want to touch me in any way, shape, or form. After an affair, he has yet to respond to anything I do. Blames it on me. Blames testosterone. Blames being tired. He hasn’t touched me in over 4 years. I’m ready to call it quits. He’s completely disobeying scripture.

  24. Maria Reply

    My husband rejected me sexually for years. I was a normal and healthy woman, LONGING for good sex, yet he put me down, told me I wad a nympho and a sick dirty wacko abd to go to q doctor to solve it. He hurt me every day with his rejection. I saw how much he loathed me in his eyes. Eventually I stopped asking for sex abf looking for his embrace, knowing he loved me in other ways but he simply despised me in bed. This made me lose a LOT of power, now I’m only good for working and I utterly despise my life. I don’t feel like a woman anymore, just a piece of trash.

    Well, now he wants HIS sex, but I can’t, it only hurts to be with him. It Hurst ad if he’s really raping me. It’s a horrible feeling. But he now wants that I “go back to normal”. He tells me he’s sorry, he didn’t mean these things he told me, he was depressed, he was a jerk… but I’m not recovering, it’s been two years but I just don’t recover any sexual attraction for him. I just can’t have sex with him, I just remember how much he despised me for having sexual desire for him, it doesn’t go out of my head. Now he threatens to leave mr because I’m damaged goods and he deserves better. I probably am. I don’t feel sexual attraction for any man anymore and honestly I really don’t wish to live. I’m drinking and crying as I write this. I know I would have made a wonderful and sexy wife for a man, a very good wife, but life thought otherwise for me. Life gave me a loser for a husband and made me a loser as well. I’ve been castrated by him, literally. He looks like a yihadist to my eyes. I just hope I die soon.

  25. Canlovethatslostbefound Reply

    I have sex with my husband almost everyday. I was happy for a while, after a cheating scandal two years ago. Now I have learned that he is trying to contact other women again for the past year. He has taken a liking to some of my family members and old friends in pictures ( if you catch my drift). As I confronted him to this devastating action, he feels distraught, ashamed, and embarrassed. I’m not sure if he is purposely ruining our marriage or has a lack of self control. What I don’t understand is why is he not satisfied with my constant love making. I feel disgusted although I don’t like to show it, because I assume it won’t resolve anything. Any tips to my problem? Or am I hopeless?

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      A few thoughts: The two of you need help to get through this. His issues have very little to do with you or your sex life. There is probably a cycle of addiction, shame, and guilt at play. He needs to learn how to cope properly and to deal with the real issues which he is trying to deal with through sex.

  26. Felicia Reply

    I’m the wife , and yet I feel like this article is saying how I feel ! My husband is the one who rejects me . Tells me “sex is a WANT not a NEED ! ”
    Yet it really is a need for a marriage ! It’s a fundamental part of marriage !
    I hate reading most of the comments from the article , I see a lot of woman or wives are the same as my husband . I guess we took on reverse roles . Sex is beyond just pleasurable, it’s bonding the outlet not just for a man or husband but a wife as well . We were made to be one and enjoy each other in a way no one else gets to. It brings the bond of love closer ! And it sure does feel personal when someone in a marriage is being rejected ! I love that idea of a 24 hr rule . But don’t think I can talk him into it .

    Good article !

  27. Lordhealmymarriage Reply

    How does a wife freely give her body to her husband, when she is living in an abusive marriage? Sex is very important to my husband, as you mentioned. However, he is not bonded with me. We have been married tor 40 years. Our first 32 years were awesome. However, “The last 9 years have been Hell”, to quote my husband. I find it hard to give me body to my husband when it does not feel like he really loves me.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      I would say she doesn’t. There is no way to give your body to someone you don’t trust and abuse destroys trust. I would say you need to seek counseling immediately.

  28. Fan Reply

    I think most people starts out great, then things change as time goes by. Men and women are faced with every day problems whether it be work issue, financial issue, under too much stress family problems and so on. People can get unhealthy under these circumstances. So it is very important to balance life, and form good living habits. This is important because only by taking care of ourselves first, can we care for our spouse. My wife and I started out great too, until she started college two years ago. English was a second language for her so it was even more difficult for her. She started taking 4 classes per semester and she really worn herself out quickly. Naturally, she doesn’t have the energy or the drive left for me when I get home after a day of work. often she doesn’t come home until very late. I started getting rejected for sex more and more, and boy I certainly felt the pain. I do the house work, cook the dinner and get the grocery every week, but in the end she did nothing to change after two years. I guess completing her education was more important than family and I think that’s a big issue with priority. We ended up damaging our relationship because of fights and argument over time. Right now she told me she would only take 2 classes next semester, but I had lost that trust in her and I too hope she realize what she was sacrificing is far more important than anything in the world. From this I hope to convey the message that family is always more important than anything else. Learn to balance life, take care of our own and take care of our spouse will form the basis of a happy family. When people get their priority wrong and hurt their family, nothing else will go well. Everything flourish on the basis of a successful family. No matter what happens out there, the feeling of knowing you got a warm home and spouse to go back to every day is priceless. I hope any new couples would understand this and do everything you can to hold on to that great feeling you started with and maintain it every single day.

  29. Red Reply

    My wife and I recently went through a conflict about her reading romance. For a long time I encouraged it because there was a fire in the bed room. I felt desired because we both talked about, initiated, and had amazing intimate sex. God reviled that it was something that needed to go and we had a very rough 3 months. We have since grown from it and she proudly admits that it was wrong and she loves me too much to read about other people. However, sin the last 5 months she has initiated sex twice. Rejected me multiple times and is convinced that nothing has changed. I feel very broken and, though we have talked about how it makes me feel and she has said she understands, nothing has changed. The risk is too great to try anymore. I no longer want to initiate anything. I feel like I am never going to be what she wants and everything and everyone will always take priority over me. I have pored affection out on her, I have taken her on elaborate dates, I have bent over backwards to show her how much I love her (not just to get sex but because I genuinely love her and I want her to see and feel that). Her response? Sexual intimacy is a chore or at best just getting off because she’s horny. She doesn’t pursue me like before the books and defenantly not like she did when she was reading the books. I just don’t know what to do but to give up. I will never leave her but my interest in intimacy is dying. I can’t say anything else to her that I haven’t already said. Once you KNOW how someone feels, making no effort is just not caring.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Red, have her check out tolovehonorandvacuum.com Also @hotholyhumorous

  30. Lisa Reply

    Picture a Venn diagram. You know, two overlapping ovals. Men’s sexuality is the left oval. Women’s sexuality is the right oval. There is a space where they overlap. The overlap is small but the ovals are the same size.

    Our culture has taken make sexuality and defined it as sexuality. Period. So, that little part where men and women overlap has come to define women’s sexuality. And it’s small, much smaller than the man’s oval which is what our culture calls sex.

    Yet, in marriage, we should start with the overlap but grow outward into each other’s ovals.

    Unfortunately, many women have been taught their their oval isn’t sexuality so it’s repressed.

    Men, venture into your wife’s oval. It’s different than yours. You’ll be tempted to think it’s not a sexual oval because it’s different than yours. But venture there anyway.

    Men are not more sexual than women. Our culture denies that a woman’s sexuality is, indeed, sexual, unless she acts like a man.

  31. Adam Reply

    It’s funny, there are so many Christian marriage advice blogs that contend with this question. I’m not a believer but was raised in the church. From my perspective, these discussions often omit the elephant in the room: namely, the Christian church’s broad de facto stigmatization of sex for young adults and anyone who isn’t married.

    Please don’t bother quoting me the scripture concerning “fornication” and premarital sex (although, if you want a great tangent, someone really should address why Christians so uncritically accept the arbitrary teachings of the fallible human Paul on this and other topics. Simply certifying his every word as “divinely inspired” seems all too convenient). The Bible says what it says. Still, in a modern world unlike the Biblical one, where people no longer marry at puberty but wait until their mid 20s or 30s, the upshot is that you are asking them to spend a decade or more of their prime sexual maturity in self-imposed celibacy.

    What is natural for the prepubescent child takes a boatload of mental discipline and social conditioning for an adult. These decades of “sex is to be avoided” indoctrination shape the mind in ways that are hard to alter. So is it such a wonder that Christians (and particularly women) who “succeed” at this exercise in self-denial so often find themselves unable to turn on a dime when married and enjoy their sexual union with wild & joyous abandon now that the church sanctions it?

    I think that’s a highly unrealistic implicit expectation, one that lies at the root of many sexless Christian marriages. As ye sow, so shall ye reap! Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Abstention is an immediate and painful reality, while the promise of future marital bliss is merely a remote and insubstantial hypothetical figment. They don’t come close to balancing each other out, any more than the vision of a banquet 5 years away helps a famished person.

    And that Divine authority, first invoked to keep unmarried folks out of “trouble,” is so easily twisted around and re-framed after the wedding to keep a husband’s–or a wife’s!–unwelcome desires at bay. Witness the many letters here from spouses characterized as ungodly “perverts” and “sex maniacs” who have departed from the path of the righteous and therefore no longer merit sex in the eyes of their piously non-libidinous partners.

    This entire dynamic is what makes nonbelievers like me blanch at the idea of “having God in your marriage”: because so often, asserting “God’s will” becomes just a convenient way for one partner to pull rank and gang up on the other in an otherwise unwinnable argument.

  32. Lauren I Reply

    What I don’t understand is why husbands take it personally when you don’t feel like having sex when it’s not like their desire for you is really personal. Husbands are often checking out other women and fantasizing about women other than their wives. So really, the only reason he wants sex with her is because she is his only “proper outlet” and not because he wants her specifically. She’s just the only boobs and vagina around that he’s allowed access to. So if his desire for me isn’t uniquely personal to me, why should he take it personally if I don’t want sex with him? I just don’t understand men.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Lauren, thanks for the question. While I understand the original question, I do not agree with the premise around the question. I don’t know your situation so I can’t tell if you are reading your situation into every situation. I don’t think all husbands are often checking out other women. Good men put guards in their lives to help this. For a good man, it’s not that she is “just the only boobs and vagina around.” While men should work not to take it so personally when women refuse sex, many women can do well to understand men often view sex differently than women. He may not feel like you are rejecting sex; he might feel you are rejecting intimacy.

  33. Rae Reply

    Kevin,

    What happens when it’s the other way around? When I want sex more than my husband? I need to feel intimate and close and he doesn’t seem interested in anything except oral (getting off). I end up feeling rejected and undervalued to him and like a ‘sex maniac’. Help.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Serious conversations need to happen. If the overarching narrative of a couple’s sex life is about one person, it’s out of balance. Sex should be for the both of you. While one experience might be more for one than the other, both deserve to give and receive pleasure. The best step here would be to go to a good marriage counselor and work these things out.

  34. Bystander Reply

    Okay I’m sorry but this is absolutely disgusting and the most repulsive display of an opinion I have seen in my life. This post belittles sex in a way that I am astonished by the thought of anyone believing this. Woman are NOT responsible for the complete failure or success of sexual relations with in marriage. You make it seem that if a marriage is failing and a husband is not happy with the marriage it was because the wife was not good enough at providing for his sexual needs. Yes humans are sexual beings we were made to be but men are not the only ones who have sex drive and the woman should NEVER have to feel as if they are responsible for pleasing their husbands. If a woman’s sexual drive is caused because of intimacy then there should be intimacy in the relationship, you see there are two kinds of intimacy: sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is completely separate from sexual intimacy and while a male may be more focused on the sexual intimacy they should still put value on emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is so much more than sex will ever be, it is a connection between two souls a true understanding and love for your partner and it is a rare and pure thing when it is found. Marriages don’t fail because there isn’t enough sex and the woman isn’t providing that intimacy, they fail when the importance is drawn away for the emotional connection and the woman searches for that intimacy while the husband looks for the sexual intimacy to fill the whole because it is pleasurable for them. It is completely ignorant for you to believe that woman don’t crave sexual intimacy and that because of this supposed lack of sex drive its their responsibility to make sure they still hit the sack so that the husband will stick around and be happy in the relationship. Have you ever considered that rather both of them should be in equal pursuit of an emotionally intimate relationship so that the woman can have the same desire to be sexually intimate and therefore allowing both parties to be much more satisfied? You may think this is the most important thing for woman to know going into marriage, but I would say that the most important thing would have to be running as far and as fast away from your potential husband if he believes this. I am so enraged by this post its so very ignorant and conceited to view a relationship like this and I’m rather disappointed that you would put this out there and make woman feel as if the relationship depends almost solely on whether or not they have sex often enough with their husbands. I really don’t know how to put into words how upsetting it is to think you truly believe this. You will be in my prayers along with any woman or men who have been convinced that this is true. I hope you have a blessed day and a healthy prosperous future.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      I could be wrong, but you might be reading your experience or hurt into this article because I simply didn’t say most of what you claim I’m saying.

  35. svcet Reply

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  36. Caroline Reply

    Well this is officially the creepiest, most manipulative, rapiest thing I’ve ever read in my life. Cheers.

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