Sep 132013 10 Responses

Ashes to Ashes (Funny Friday)

Never Throw Ashes Up Wind

I have a general rule—I will not be the one to spread someone’s ashes.

I’ll do the funeral for anyone and anywhere, but I will not deposit the ashes no matter what a person’s final wish.

A few years back, I did a funeral at a golf course.

For some, it seems like an odd place for a funeral, but for many it’s the place in which they most often mention God’s name.

The funeral was a simple one—a few words, a recorded song and a closing prayer.

After the funeral concluded, the family requested that I spread the man’s ashes at his favorite spot—the 18th tee box.

I told the family it would be more meaningful if a family member would do the actual spreading as I presided over the service.

They agreed so as I led a simple service, the man’s son was to spread his father’s ashes off the hillside of the finishing hole.

The crowd gathered, I prayed, and the son made a critical mistake. Whether you are hitting a 3–wood or spreading ashes off that hill, you always want to take a blade of grass and throw it in the air to see which way the wind is blowing. Sometimes it is downwind, but often the wind is howling up the hill.

Like many a golfer, the man quickly learned what he forgot to check.

Charlie was poured from the bag, caught an updraft and immediately flew over the heads of the congregation and into the woods.

Everyone stood in stunned silence until I finally said, “It looks like a slice.”


Be Careful Who You Marry

The only problem with cremation is it creates a life-long dilemma—who keeps possession of the ashes.

One couple went through an ugly divorce and when the wife was cleaning her things out of the house, she took her ex-father-in-law’s ashes out of spite.

The two were not particularly close, but she believed she deserved half of everything and she dared her ex-husband to come get his half of his dad.

The husband called his lawyer who in turn called her lawyer. Before the judge got involved, the woman came to her senses and returned the urn to the husband’s driveway.

The only problem is that she returned the urn while at a high rate of speed and out her driver side window.

The urn shattered, the ashes went everywhere, and while her text was truthful, it probably wasn’t kind—”your Dad is in the driveway.”


So if you are wanting me to spread your ashes one day, I won’t.

If someone does, they need to check the wind.

And if the ashes are ever stolen, you might ask that they be returned gently.


10 Responses to Ashes to Ashes (Funny Friday)
  1. dennyneff Reply

    thanks for ending a tough week on an uplifting note. Love ya Pastor and I’m looking forward to Sunday morning regardless of the direction of the wind.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Thanks Denny. I think Sunday will be meaningful.

      • dennyneff Reply

        I have two friends who’ve committed to watching in via live feed (one may even start coming) and another who has assured me he’s coming, so I’m pumped for sure. Blessings my friend

  2. Kevin Reply

    Love It !!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Judy Cagle Reply

    Love it !!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Patti Floyd Reply

    Sometimes you are hilariously sacreligious !!!!! Love it!!

  5. Sue Rogers Reply

    Oh Kevin, …, you are like a turtle…, “You just keep on keeping on!” You bring joy to all of us!!! Not only in your writing, but with your biblical teachings as well! Thank you for being YOU!

  6. Kim oliver Reply

    My parents have a similar story regarding ashes.. Their friends ashes were spread in the white river but the water wasn’t flowing like the kids imagined.. Soon they were all swimming with their dad.

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