Dec 192014 8 Responses

14 Ways the Elf on the Shelf Might Die

I’ve always wondered what the signs of pastoral burnout might be. One pastor tells of his experience of going for a job and finding himself weeping uncontrollably. Another person in the helping profession talks about losing a close relative and never shedding a tear. I’m cognizant of the dangers of burnout in a profession with such an emotional toll.

I recently think I crossed the line when I found myself lying in bed at 2am imagining ways the Elf on the Shelf might die. 

I’m not proud of this confession. Dreaming of the death of a beloved child-figure cannot be a healthy step for a pastor. Yet it was a true occurrence and I don’t think I’m alone in wishing bodily harm to the tiny puppet.

The Elf on the Shelf is meant to be a character of great fun, but in our house it is a tool of parental guilt. A few mornings ago our 6 year-old ran into our bedroom and said, “Mom, you forgot to move the elf again.”

Last night when I realized we had forgotten to move the elf, instead of dreaming up creative ways to entertain our children, I began to brainstorm ways the elf could meet an early demise.

So here are the 14 ways I think the Elf on the Shelf might die:

1. He was the victim of medical mal-practice from Doc McStuffins.

2. He died in a tragic accident jumping off the tree trying to turn off the movie Frozen.

3. He began selling an online weight loss product during the off season and was murdered by his Facebook friends who were tired of his pushy posts.

4. He had an unfortunate occurrence with Crocodile Dentist.

5. He mistook a Breaking Bad Action Figure for a Tickle-Me Elmo.

6. He confused the garbage disposal for a hot tub.

7. He was strangled by the Sock Monkey for reasons which are still unknown.

8. Ken caught him in the dream house.

9. His body was found stuffed into an Easy Bake Oven.

10: Four Words–Shelf on the Elf.

11. He told the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to go back to the 80s.

12. We all knew Furby had an angry side.

13. Apparently a G.I. Joe interrogation crossed the line.

14. He asked Barbie her real age.

However it happens, it’s time for the Elf to go. The kids don’t believe and the parents are tired of pretending. I can’t take another year of this.

So what’s number 15? If Elf the Shelf met an early demise, how can you imagine it might happen?

For more Funny Friday, see:

And After the Funeral She Hit Him in the Nuts

Silas on the Sybil War, Col. Sanders, and Peeing Crooked

Ella on Kicking a Teacher, Telling a Knock-Knock Joke, and a Pre-Dinner Prayer


8 Responses to 14 Ways the Elf on the Shelf Might Die
  1. Michelle Reply

    Thank you! I think the “Elf on a Shelf” (which by the way has inspired the Hebrew version a “Mench on a Bench”) is the dumbest Christmas tradition I’ve ever seen. I’m so glad it came around after my kids were too old to care. It’s kinda like Pinterest, an insanity triggering, guilt inducing form of bondage for otherwise adjusted, sane people. Thank you for having a sense of humor and calling the Elf what he is, something that should find his way into history. Merry Christmas.

  2. Lindsey Kennedy Reply

    This post is perfect. We got the elf because we thought it would be a fun tradition each year. Dead wrong. I hate that thing. He’s creepy and I never remember to move him until the middle of the night or the next morning. And although we’ve never told Anniston not to touch the elf or “he’d lose his magic,” other kids have informed her of that. I pray, or ponder rather, every day that she would touch the thing. So far no luck. Only two more nights. I think he might get lost or be needed by someone else before next year.

  3. James Reply

    I had that same thought about “shelf on the elf” a long time ago and searched for a photo to match. Apparently, of all the twisted photos people take of their elves that hasn’t been one. Or it is on some top-secret server somewhere which is not accessible from the web.

  4. Randy Keen Reply

    Ther should only be one Elf on the shelf, and that is on the night of the Angel tree dinner. We tried the “elf on the shelf” when our girls were little and it just misteriosly disapeared. They both said they new nothing of its vanishing. I was good with that answer.

  5. Dovadje Dickson Reply

    wow this is sumtin else

  6. mckenzie Reply

    why did you do that

  7. savage Reply


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