Feb 142014 0 Responses

How to Buy a Gift for Valentine’s Day (Funny Friday)

Valentine’s Day is the gift-giving mulligan of Christmas.

Just 6 weeks after every man has been outed as insensitive, unaware, and completely out-of-touch with the wishes of their wives based on the poor gift they got them for Christmas, along comes Valentine’s Day as an oasis of second chance.

Unfortunately, we often fail at Valentine’s Day as much as we did at Christmas because we didn’t listen to everything our wives listed that we should have gotten them after they opened our poorly chosen Christmas gifts.

And that’s if you’re lucky enough to be married. The unlucky ones are those that are dating. Valentine’s Day is an all-out crap-shoot if you have haven’t tied the knot. If you’re in a relationship, or you want to be in a relationship, the gift is all-important.

Buy too expensive and you’re desperate.

Buy too cheap and you’re not serious.

Buy too personal and you’re a sick-o.

Buy too impersonal and you don’t care.

It’s a no-win situation for a man. (See: On George Straight, a First Kiss, and Seminary Women)

And in the rare situation where a man desires a gift, apart from sex, for Valentine’s Day, it’s a no-win situation for a woman.

So here are my suggestions for how to buy a gift for a woman and a man on Valentine’s day.

How to Buy a Gift For a Woman

I’ve only been successful at buying a Valentine’s Day gift one time. I bought Jenny a car.

How can you go wrong with that? A five digit gift. (See: The Preacher’s Wife)

I had failed at two digits and three digits, so I skipped four digits and went straight to five.

Steve Martin once said there are two well-known aphrodisiacs for women and one of them is certainly a Mercedes SLK230. Well I can’t afford a Mercedes, but in our house nothing says love like a Toyota.

So that’s how you have success on Valentine’s Day–you take your wife’s paycheck, buy her a car, and if she is faithful in making the payments for three years, the car is all hers.

How to Buy a Gift For a Man

“It’s impossible to buy for you.” I hear it every year–every birthday, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, and Christmas. It began with my mother, who was joined by my sister, and now the choir is complete with my wife.

For some reason when boys become men, women begin believing a lie that there is nothing that will please us come gift giving time. It is the only explanation of how so many men end up with ties, shirts, and an assortment of coffee mugs.

I know it sounds difficult–what do you buy for someone who generally buys whatever he wants whenever he wants it–but it really isn’t that hard. It’s only hard because women often forget something they already know.

When you hear your husband talking to his buddies about the latest game or hunt, you think, “He’s such a child.”

When his romantic plans don’t happen because you’ve had a long day, he pouts and you think, “He’s such a child.”

When you go to his mother’s house and you watch how she babies him, you think, “He’s such a child.”

Yet when it comes time to buy him a gift, you forget that he is a child. (See: A Small Fire, a Can of Gasoline, and a Test of My Manhood)

When it comes to gifts, you didn’t marry a man, you married a child. Therefore buy him a toy and he will be happy.

Of course it might take a more powerful toy than what you buy your preschooler. It will definitely need to be bigger and probably more expensive, but toys are what we are looking for. If it flashes, whistles, has an on/off button, requires a battery/charger, can destroy something, go at high speeds, or fly, and has absolutely no redeeming quality for life, it will probably make a good gift.

As soon as women realize their men are boys, the idea that we are hard to buy for goes away as the realization appears that children can always be distracted by something new. That’s all we are looking for.

So forget the “needs,” the shirts, the mugs, the flannel, and the ties. Instead, go to the nearest toy store and find something that’s ridiculous. We are men, therefore we are boys and so we will like it. And if you really want to make our day, find something that flashes, whistles, has an on/off button, requires a battery/charger, can destroy something, go at high speeds, fly, has absolutely no redeeming quality of life AND is something that YOU can wear–well then you will have bought us something for Valentine’s Day, too.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

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