Marriage is not primarily about grand gestures. It’s not the anniversary trips, the surprise gifts, or the long-winded apologies that shape the tone of our relationship. More often than not, the health of a marriage is built in hundreds of small moments. In these daily interactions, our words and responses carry more weight than we realize.
Julie Mennano, in her book Secure Love, captures this truth in one sentence: “When people feel dismissed, they double down. When they feel seen, they soften.”
That’s it. That’s the principle that explains why small moments escalate into big arguments—or why they can instead create safety, trust, and connection.
The Human Need to Be Seen
From birth, every human being is wired with the need to be seen. Psychiatrist Curt Thompson often says, “We all come into the world looking for someone who is looking for us.” When a baby cries, they’re not just demanding food or comfort; they’re longing to know, Am I seen? Do I matter?
That longing never disappears. Adults carry it into marriage, parenting, and every friendship we hold. To be seen is to be validated—not necessarily agreed with, but acknowledged. To be unseen is to be dismissed, and when that happens, something inside us begins to fight for recognition.
Why Dismissal Makes Us Double Down
Think about the last time you were upset and someone told you, “Relax. It’s not a big deal.” Did you calm down? Probably not. If anything, you became more frustrated. You raised your voice. You repeated your argument. You insisted they didn’t understand.
That’s doubling down.
Dismissal communicates that our emotions are inconvenient, unnecessary, or invalid. It teaches us that in order to be recognized, we must get louder, bigger, or more intense. And so, in marriage, a spouse who feels dismissed often escalates—not because they want conflict, but because they want connection.
Ironically, what the dismissive partner often desires (“calm down”) is sabotaged by the very response they chose. Instead of peace, their words fuel more chaos.
Why Being Seen Softens Us
Contrast that with the experience of being seen. Imagine you share something vulnerable and your spouse responds with:
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“I can see why you’d feel that way.”
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“That sounds really hard.”
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“I hear what you’re saying.”
Even if they don’t agree with your perspective, the validation communicates: Your feelings are real. You matter to me.
And what happens? You soften. The need to escalate evaporates. Emotional intensity lowers. Connection increases.
It’s not magic—it’s biology. Neuroscience tells us that when we feel seen, our nervous system regulates. Fight-or-flight calms down. Safety is restored. And safe people are more open, curious, and compassionate.
Attend and Attune
So how do we make sure our spouse feels seen? It comes down to two practices: attend and attune.
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Attend means showing up with your presence. Not distracted, not halfway listening, but fully available. Put the phone down. Turn off the TV. Look them in the eyes. Being physically and emotionally present is the first step toward helping your spouse feel seen.
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Attune means tuning in to what’s happening beneath the words. It’s empathy in action. Like tuning an instrument, attunement requires sensitivity. It means noticing tone, body language, and mood. It means meeting your spouse in their joy, grief, frustration, or hope—not trying to drag them out of it.
John Gottman defines attunement with the acronym ATTUNE: Awareness, Turning toward, Tolerance, Understanding, Non-defensiveness, and Empathy. Put into practice, attunement is simply saying, “I’m with you in this. I want to understand.”
Practical Ways to Help Your Spouse Feel Seen
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Reflect back what you hear. Instead of jumping to advice, try: “What I’m hearing you say is…” This shows you’re listening.
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Validate feelings before solving problems. Even if you think the issue is small, acknowledge the emotion: “That sounds frustrating.” Solutions can wait.
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Match emotional energy. If your spouse is excited, celebrate with them. If they’re grieving, sit in the sorrow with them. Connection happens when emotional rhythms align.
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Create daily rhythms of connection. Walks after dinner, 15 minutes of conversation before bed, even sending a meme during the day—these small practices build a culture of being seen.
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Resist defensiveness. Sometimes your spouse’s feelings will feel unfair. Don’t argue with their emotions. Remember: validation doesn’t mean agreement; it means acknowledgment.
The Bigger Picture
The principle doesn’t stop with marriage. Parents, your kids desperately need to be seen. If you dismiss their tears or fears, they will double down—louder tantrums, more stubbornness. But if you kneel, look them in the eye, and validate, they soften.
At work, employees long for the same thing. When a co-worker’s concern is dismissed, frustration grows. When it’s acknowledged, collaboration deepens.
This is not just a marriage principle. It’s a human principle.
A Better Way Forward
The truth is simple: dismissal fuels disconnection. Validation builds intimacy. When people feel dismissed, they double down. When they feel seen, they soften.
Imagine if your marriage became a place where you both felt consistently seen. Arguments would still happen, but they’d be shorter, less intense, and far more productive. Tension would still exist, but it would be met with empathy rather than defensiveness.
The difference between being dismissed and being seen is the difference between walls and bridges. One pushes us apart. The other draws us together.
So today, practice attending and attuning. Look for the bids for connection. Put your phone down. Validate your spouse’s feelings. Tune in to their inner world.
You may be surprised just how quickly a hardened heart can soften when it finally feels seen.
