Sep 012016 6 Responses

8 Lies We Believe About Sex

Every culture has unwritten beliefs about sex. In some cultures in the past, women were seen as always desiring sex while the men were the sexual gatekeepers. In our society the reverse is often the case. In some cultures sex is frowned upon while in others it is idolized.

We are no different than any other age in that we have created many incorrect myths regarding sex.

Here are 8 common sexual myths: (See: A Sunday Sermon About Married Sex)

1. Men can’t control their sexual desire (and shouldn’t be expected to). Men regularly get a pass when it comes to failing to control their sexual activity. People ignore inappropriate comments even when they demean women. They turn the other eye when men destroy families because of sexual indiscretion. Men get such a pass that in many instances men can create sexual harm, but women get blamed for it. The fact is that men are fully responsible for their sexual choices and they do have the power to restrain sexual appetite.

2. Sex in marriage is boring and predictable. It can be if a couple allows it to become that way, but it doesn’t have to be the case. Actually sex within a long-term committed relationship has a greater potential for variety and meaning because as trust grows, each individual can become more open about their desires and communication. Many individuals who have a multitude of partners do not have variety in experience. They are experiencing the same sex (first-time sex) over and over again. True variety happens as a committed couple continues to explore one another.

3. Sex is simply a physical act and doesn’t have meaning beyond one experience. Sex is far more than a physical act. While some try to justify the sexual acts by claiming it’s just physical, it doesn’t take much for a person to realize that’s not true. Sex has an emotional and spiritual meaning which extends far beyond the physical experience. This is one reason (and it’s only the first of many) that sex should be saved for marriage. If it were just a physical act, an individual could have sex whenever and with whomever they desire. Because it’s more than a physical act, sex should be saved for the most special of relationships. (See: Are You Having Enough Sex?)

4. Sexual compatibility should be tested before marriage. While sex should be discussed before marriage, it’s a myth to think such compatibility must be tested before a commitment is made. Sex before marriage doesn’t test the compatibility, but it weakens the commitment and clouds judgment. I regularly speak with people who have sexual problems within a marriage, but I’m yet to meet a couple where it’s a compatibility problem.

5. Sex is for men. In many cases, a man has a higher sex drive than a woman, but not in all cases. Yet, no matter who has the highest drive, sex is always for the couple. While an individual session might focus on one spouse, if a couple’s sex life is solely about one person, something is wrong. Women can enjoy sex just as much as men.

6. Younger people are better at sex. In the right setting, whenever I speak to college students I begin my speech by saying, “Why are your parents better at sex than you?” The question always gets laughs, because no one in the audience thinks its true, but it is. The answer is because of practice. Society likes to equate good sex with youthfulness. While there are advantages to youth, there are many more to age, wisdom, and practice. What an older man lacks in vigor, he makes up for in knowledge. What an older woman lacks in flexibility, she makes up for in confidence. For many couples, their most fulfilling sexual experiences are later in life, not earlier.

7. A couple can solve their own sexual problems. Nearly every couple at some point in the marriage will need to seek outside assistance for a sexual issue. Whether it be a man being willing to talk to his doctor about performance or a woman speaking with her physician about desire, there is no shame in getting help. Young couples can be aided by speaking with a counselor about common frustrations. While sex should remain private, a couple must have the courage to seek help when needed. It’s wrong to assume a couple can figure out every problem on their own. (See: The Greatest Aspect of Sex)

8. Sex is antithetical to holiness. Many within religious circles believe sex is dirty. While they rightly shake their head at the sexual excess of our society, they wrongly conclude that all sex is dirty. Some even believe that abstaining from sex within marriage makes them closer to God. It doesn’t. Sex is part of God’s creation. It was created for a specific purpose. To abstain from sex within marriage is to deprive oneself and one’s spouse from experiencing God-designed pleasure.

What would be a 9th lie which many believe regarding sex?

 

6 Responses to 8 Lies We Believe About Sex
  1. Les G Reply

    I love and cherish your profound philosophies on many aspects regarding relationships. I have just separated from my Cambodian wife (cultural difference?) but having read your pearls of wisdom I am still bewildered by my situation! However, I w old like to know what you perceive is the difference between mercy and forgiveness?

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      In part, forgiveness is in response to a specific situation. Mercy is a general disposition. I can be merciful to people even if they haven’t created an offense against me. Mercy can be initiated, but forgiveness is always a response.

  2. Ronassise Reply

    9th lie, an affair (sex with someone else) can make your marriage better ( because it solves a missing piece)

    Wow is THAT wrong!

  3. […] Any problem that can threaten a marriage is a threat to both of us, therefore, it is a problem for b... https://www.kevinathompson.com/what-men-and-women-dont-know-about-sex
  4. Jeff Reply

    In some cultures in the past, women were seen as always desiring sex while the men were the sexual gatekeepers. Just curious as to what those cultures were? Did it happen to be early Jews?

    Thanks.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      In some cases in the Old Testament where kings had harems, you can see where sex was more important to women because it meant favor and closeness whereas a man sadly had other options.

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