In his book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, Marshall Goldsmith proposes that many executives make the mistake of believing the skills which allowed them to rise through the corporate ranks will be the same skills which get them to the next level of leadership. He confronts this idea with the simple reminder that what gets a leader promoted to one position will not be what is needed to get to the next level—what got you here won’t get you there.
The same mistake leaders make in business, individuals make in marriage. We foolishly believe that what we did in the past will sustain our marriage in the future. It’s a tragic mistake. As Goldsmith would say, “What got you here won’t get you there.”
A couple comes into my office. The wife is done. She’s had enough. In her eyes, she has put up with him for too long. He hasn’t seen her hurting heart. He hasn’t noticed her lack of joy. He hasn’t noticed The Warning Sign of a Bad Marriage You Might Miss.
She is done, but he’s confused. He doesn’t understand what has suddenly changed. For him, life is the way it has always been. While he knows she’s not always happy, he doesn’t understand why today is so different from last week or last year.
“She’s changed,” he says.
I nod in agreement.
“I haven’t,” he says. I nod in agreement.
He believes the problem is her; he doesn’t see his own failures. He has failed to realize “What got you here won’t get you there.”
Couples often see change as the cause of marital problems when in reality it is the preventive cure of marital problems. Change is a necessary ingredient for a healthy marriage. If your marriage isn’t changing, it’s dying.
When a spouse (usually the man) says, “I haven’t changed.” I ask, “Why not? Why haven’t you grown, learned, explored, discovered and repented of sin, formed new habits, gotten better? Why haven’t you changed?”
My Spouse Deserves a Better Spouse
My wife is a gift. She is not someone I deserve; she is someone who was given to me. This is Why We Should Still Give the Bride Away as a reminder of what she is.
One thing she deserves is for me to be the best person I can be. Clearly I can’t be perfect, but I can always be improving. Because of this, I must always be changing. And so should she. If either of us stay the way we have always been, one of us will leave the other behind. Part of the fun of marriage is to change together. We are both in a process of maturity—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Failing to change is failing to be the husband or wife your spouse deserves.
What’s Holding You Back
For some marriages, failing to change destroys the relationship. For others, a failure of change hinders the growth of the couple. As one changes and the other doesn’t, the couple loses their connection. Consider:
What communication skills have you learned in the past five years to improve your marriage?
What is a bad habit which you no longer possess?
What have you heard or read about marriage in the past year that makes you a better spouse?
How have you grown professionally in the past few years and what lessons can you apply to marriage?
How is this season of life better than previous seasons?
How is your sex life better today than last year? 5 years ago? 10 years ago?
On a regular basis, I stand before a couple and listen as they repeat marriage vows to one another—”…to have and to hold, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health.” Imagine how sad it would be if ten years from their wedding day the couple showed up unchanged—having learned nothing, grown in no way, having not matured. It wouldn’t be the sign of a great marriage; it would be the sign of failure. Marriage depends on change.
No matter how great your marriage, whatever got you to the place that you currently are, will not get you where you want to go next. Only if you learn, grow, and change will your marriage improve. (Start here: My 5 Favorite Books each can be applied to marriage.) It’s true in business and marriage: “What got you here won’t get you there.”
Like a Psych professor said in class decades ago when speaking of marriages: “What you do to get them, you have to do to keep them.”
I found that to be true even today.
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This was a great article. I have changed since my husband and I got married 4 years ago, as has he. The first 2 years were typical honeymoon phase. The last 2 years have been extremely stressful, marked by his unemployment, ensuing financial stress, illness of both our parents and a head injury and several months off work (me). He’s recently started a business in a city 3 hours away because if high unemployment where we live, so we only see each other 2 days a week. He’s so exhausted, we rarely have date nights imir spend time alone. Sex is rare.
Through it all, I’ve become short, frustrated and less patient which is not his fault but at the same time, I’m more vocal about asking him for help around the house and more attention / affection, and my worries about money. (He didn’t believe me when I told him we have only $100 at the end of my pay period because it’s all eaten up by mortgage, food, utilities, credit card and his child support payments, etc), but he’s never taken any initiative in managing or even asking about our finances so it all falls to me and when i let him know where we’re at from month to month, he accuses me of tracking his spending; refers to it as my house, my money, etc, I bought out house before I met him).
He feels I’ve completely changed because I never vocalized my feelings about these things before, and am not the same woman he married. I know I’m less tolerant of certain things (eg chores) because I feel resentful that I am doing it all – working to pay the bills and all the household chores, money management, cooking, shopping etc. When I point it out, his response is, “you don’t do ALL of that every day so what’s the big deal?”. I feel disrespected and unappreciated and when I explain that, he says “of course I appreciate you, but i hate when you tell me all the things you do for me. It’s like you’re throwing it in my face, so if that’s how you’re going to be, I ll just do those things myself”. I’m so frustrated and sad about the state of our marriage, I don’t even know where to turn.
Wow, it is unfortunate that you are experiencing this. Your husband definitely needs counseling/therapy to find out where all this disrespect and selfishness to say the least is coming from Therapy will help you as well find your footing. Your husband is actually being abusive and you are enabling. I’m not saying bail on your marriage but I am saying get help. Even if your husband does not agree to (which he should) help, you go right away and get some help for yourself to help you navigate through this difficult time. I am on the skirt tail of marital infidelity and am blown away by the way people who are found guilty act to the betrayed. I’m finding these disappointing behaviors are normal. I filed for divorce and there was a lot of back and forth but eventually my husband recognized all of his disfunction and reluctantly agreed to counseling. I have also discovered a lot about myself and it was not all good lol. Hang in there. If your husband has any decency in him eventually he will agree to get help even if he is kicking and screaming all the way there. Do not allow yourself to be walked on in the meantime. Stop babying and enabling him. He is a grown man and because you allow him to get away with not being responsible he takes full advantage. Sounds like he is mad with himself but taking it out on you, which is text book behavior. All I can tell you is what I told myself which is when a man loves a woman, there aint nothing he won’t do. They don’t get it at first, but once you decide you will respect yourself and not tolerate nonsense based on his insecurities (that’s what your husband is speaking) they eventually come around. On the other hand if he does not come around and or agree to therapy, you have to swallow that pill that just maybe he is the wrong man. Good luck to you!
Diane,
I have the same exact situation only in reverse (change “husband” for “wife” and “he” for “she”, etc. – I am sure you get the message.
That, and my situation doesn’t involve any infidelity.
Plus the fact that she HAS changed… in the opposite direction. She is moving out to be “The Glorious On Her Own independent Woman”… and refuses any counseling.
In fact, she clearly is extremely fearful of marriage counseling. I am fairly positive (in fact am positive) that I know the reason for that fearfulness – and that counseling would actually even help on that aspect.
But she refuses to even accept the reasoning (for if she did so then she might be tempted to go to counseling… a very vicious circle)
Here is the flaw in this line of reasoning.
Change is RARELY for the better. Far more likely that ANY change(s) will be for the worse.