A good marriage is built on a very basic principle–I’m for you. More than anyone else in the world, I am your greatest cheerleader, supporter, and friend. I see you better than anyone else, yet I love you more than anyone else. I want the best for you to such an extent that I’m willing to submit my own dreams and desires in order for you to succeed.
As both spouses have this mindset, a deep friendship is created. This friendship forms the foundation upon which the rest of the marriage is built. Because they are for one another, they trust each other. Within this trust, respect and intimacy flourishes. (See: How to Better Control Yourself)
But few things kill trust like envy. When envy is present, instead of being for my spouse, I’m jealous of what they have, who they are, or what they are experiencing. Rather than cheering them on, I’m holding them back.
Is Envy Present in Your Marriage?
When we experience discontent because of what someone else has or who they are, we are experiencing envy. It’s an emotion born from the perception of lack. It can only exist as we compare ourselves to someone else. As comparison occurs, we feel bitter about our circumstance believing we deserve what another has or deceiving ourselves into thinking another has a superior life because of who they are.
In marriage, envy appears in three distinct ways. We can be envious of:
Our Spouse. Envy can be present with our spouse. We can believe they have an easier life, are given too much praise/credit, or desire aspects of their lives. Rather than being happy for them, we desire to have what they have. This desire causes us to hold our spouse back rather than to propel them forward. Instead of being for our spouse, we are (often times unknowingly to them) against them.
Other People’s Spouses. Envy is often sourced in our jealousy of another person’s spouse. Seeing just an aspect of who they are, we compare our limited understanding to a fuller picture of who our spouse is. We then write the story that the other person is better than our spouse. We believe that our marriage would be better if our spouse was like the other person.
Other People’s Marriages. While it’s healthy to allow the positive traits of others to inspire us to do better, envy doesn’t cause us to love our spouses more. It leads to us being more critical and discouraged regarding our relationship.
To see if envy is present in your marriage, consider:
1. If your spouse was given a bucket list trip that didn’t include you, would you be truly excited for them or would you feel more disappointed that you don’t get to go?
2. Is there a person which you believe would make a better spouse than the person you married?
3. Is there a marriage of a friend or couple which discourages you because of how good they seem to have it?
If you answered yes, to any of these questions, envy is hindering your marriage.
How Not to Envy
Envy is never a positive element in your relationship. In order to have the best marriage possible, we must eliminate envy from our lives. Here are four ways to end envy:
Work on your marriage. Envy is often birthed from apathy. As we fail to work on our relationship, we are tempted to envy others. When we intentionally make an effort to improve our marriage, envy is eliminated. It’s pushed out of our lives because 1) we are so busy working on our relationship, we don’t have to time to compare ourselves to others and 2) as we take steps forward, we grow in our appreciation for our spouse and our story. (See: How to Create Friendship in Marriage)
Tell yourself the rest of the story. What we see from others is just a part of their story. The perfect stories on Facebook and the pretty pictures on Instagram might be true, but they aren’t complete. Everybody has problems. (Trust me…EVERYBODY) Too often we fall for the deception that we are messed up but everyone else is perfect. When we believe this lie, we are tempted to be envious of what others have.
Be for your spouse. It sounds like such obvious truth, but sadly many people are not truly for their spouse. Rather than wishing for their spouse’s well-being, they are hoping their husband or wife will suffer or struggle. This isn’t loving. It’s rooted in selfishness. Unable to look beyond themselves, they interpret everything in regards to how it compares to themselves. Whenever someone is completely focused on self, they will rarely be for other people. Envy is a sign we are selfish.
Rehearse positive thoughts. Any of us can have a passing envious thought at any moment, but envy only takes root in our hearts as we give those thoughts the resources necessary to grow. As we continually compare and rehearse negative thoughts, jealousy grows. But when we push aside one envious thought and reflect on the positive aspects of our spouse and our marriage, envy does not take root.
Envy hinders many relationships. Thankfully, it is a choice. While it’s sad how many couples choose to allow it to ruin their lives, we can make different choices. Rather than allowing envy to control us, we can take charge of our thoughts and lives. Love your spouse, don’t envy them.
My marriage is suffering from this badly. My husband whom I been with for 19 years seems to hate me. Sad to say and hurtful to think of this. Never would I imagined I would be here. I honestly think he’s not happy with his life. He has had a hard life. He’s been in prison federal and did 10 years there. When he came out I had graduated college and now work in the medical field / healthcare on the clinical side. Anyway I came into a large amount of money and he felt entitled to it. According to him half which would be 5 figures when he had the opportunity same as I did but choose not to due to what I think is his addiction marijuana . He neglected the opportunity for his self pleasures. I’m saving to buy a home plus we needed a 2nd vehicle for the house. His spending habits are insane and he never saves up anything. He lives life in the moment and I don’t. I like to have rainy day funds and live comfortable instead day to day .I have trust issues due to his cheating in the past and most recently last august 2020. Since this time envy has grew and he expects me to live life as nothing as happened. He has a history of infidelity through our 19 years together . Since I’ve decided to not give him half of money it’s gotten worse. He uses withholding . Emotional abuse. No communication , he’s home but always downstairs or outside . Self meditated half the day with marijuana which drains his funds and irritates me always seeing it plus drinks daily . It’s just a lot going on here. Seem like the more I try to help the more he refuses my help cause he wants money instead. It’s so bad I asked him to leave 4 days ago while I was on vacation. He left after he got off work.
Im in a marriage like this my husband is constantly comparing smt to me. My car was peeling and l got a new paint job. He was looking so nasty at the car l suggested that he get his painted instead he said no lm getting a new car, with hobs l cant never tell him how much money lm paid bc he would start teaching nasty and we would argue. I had land a job with a pretty office and was excited asked him for lunch to come look at my office and he quickly said l cant l hate elevator. Every job l worked if l had bad day l would come home to vent to him and he would tell me to quit really good jobs and made it look like he had my back. At the time lm not working but looking so l help him with getting a job first by doing a kick ass resume and pushing him to followup he landed a good job, now lm still looking and everyday he comes home and tell how much they look him on the job after l hv told him getting frustrated bc l cant find anything. He got a promotion to another spot and l was very happy for him but now he steady throwing it in my face abt his pay not one time hv he offered to help me like l jv him. He have always done this he is the main and not one time hv he trued talk to some1 for me or some support. He would actually call me and say after a job interview congratulation before l know if l hv the job and when l didnt get it he would aw….
Im sorry honey like he was being sarcastic to the hurt in my voice, but l dont care if l hv ir not he would keep being it up like he want me to feel smt..