Nov 012016 4 Responses

This One Trait Will Improve Your Relationship

Humility is attractive. It possess a beauty. It’s magnetic. Humility naturally draws others to itself. Maybe because it is so foreign to the human condition, humility intrigues us.

Marriage thrives in humility, but it dies in pride. Show me any broken relationship and I will likely show you at least one person who suffered the delusion of pride.

Pride’s byproducts in marriage are diverse:

Adultery is the prideful belief I deserve something I’m not allowed.

Contempt is the prideful concept that I am better than you.

Silence is the prideful act that you don’t deserve my voice.

Anger is the prideful response that I can act however I wish.

Pride destroys through division. It kills the intimacy between a couple and makes each spouse feel alone. Humility is pride’s antidote. (See: Two Steps to Solving 90% of Relationship Problems)

Humility Grounds Us

Humility is related to the word humus. Someone who is humble is often referred to as being “grounded.” They have a good understanding of who they are. Their self-concept is neither overblown nor under-judged.

Humus is the dark organic material often used in gardens. Decomposition has broken down elements to their lowest point resulting in stability. Left to itself it will literally go unchanged forever.

When added to soil, humus has many effects:

  • It feeds the soil to make it more fertile.
  • It allows for the co-existence of plants, animals and microbes.
  • It protects the good characteristics of other soils.
  • It naturally extracts and destroys negative aspects of other soils.
  • It retains water allowing other soils to withstand droughts.
  • Because of its porous nature, when other soils are too compacted, it allows for aeration.
  • Its dark color helps warm the cool soil in spring and cool the hot soil in summer.

Humus, when added to other soils, brings life.  It causes everything else to thrive. What humus does for soil, humility does for marriage. When we are broken down to our most base, stable form, unchanged by everything around us, we bring life.  When we are humble, marriage is able to flourish.

Humility:

  • allows for the co-existence of people
  • brings forth the good in others
  • naturally draws out and destroys the bad
  • retains enough supply to get others through dry times
  • is porous enough to bring air when others need a breath
  • warms the cold and cools the warm

Humility rids a marriage of pride and allows two people to properly relate and grow. (See: 5 Signs You’re Ready to Get Married)

Pseudo-Humility is Repulsive

While humility attracts, pseudo-humility repulses. Many people wrongly confuse humility with a poor self-esteem. They think if they aren’t very confident, they must be humble. But insecurity is not humility, it’s another form of pride.

When we fixate on our weaknesses, inabilities, and mistakes, we are still focused on ourselves. Pride can express itself as thinking to highly of oneself, but it can also be seen in thinking to lowly of oneself. Humility is neither. A humble person has a proper understanding of who they are–refusing to overvalue or devalue themselves. More than anything, they simply don’t think of themselves as much as the person filled with pride.

Pseudo-humility expressing itself in self-pity is not attractive. People might run to the initial cry for help, but before long they will be turned off by the self-loathing. A romantic partner might try to rescue someone with a pridefully low self-esteem, but eventually they will resent the partner for it.

True Humility Is Sexy

A grounded person is attractive. They understand who they are and who they aren’t. They aren’t self-loathing, but they also aren’t self-aggrandizing. They are so at peace with themselves that they focus more on others. They can be helped and uplifted by others, but not easily discouraged or brought down by outsiders. They are their own people even as they deeply care for whomever is near.

Humility leads to a proper confidence. It allows for growth and development. It gives a person the courage to explore while also being content with who they are. All of these characteristics are attractive. We are drawn to humble people. (See: Intimacy Is Far More Than Sex)

If pride is a marriage’s ultimate threat, humility is a marriage’s most important defense. When two people humbly love one another, their relationship will flourish.

4 Responses to This One Trait Will Improve Your Relationship
  1. Kara Petroske Reply

    Thankfully there only needs to be one that is humble! ☺️

  2. Terri Stidmon Reply

    I have taken your advice from the article, “If your dog runs away let him”. My husband left five months ago and has since come home there has been no progress. He works and I won’t hear from him for 10+ hours. He cheated and was staying with his lover. He isn’t humble, he never wants to discuss improving us. He shuts down. I am continuing to fight for our marriage and love him deeply. I don’t want to be a fool for loving him still. I pray with him, by myself, corporately and would like your new ideas. The Holy Spirit is telling me to pray for him in this area. So I will. But what insight can you share if your spouse is not humble.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      I think it’s important that while you shouldn’t chase your spouse, you should establish strong boundaries. I would go to counseling together. The current state of your relationship is not acceptable and he should desire to improve it.

  3. Terri Stidmon Reply

    Thank you for your time! I appreciate your feedback.

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