At the altar, bride and groom promise to love one another. It’s the formation of a unique relationship where a couple vows to become friends, partners, and lovers. At it’s best, marriage is the gift of knowing someone will always walk by your side, have your back, and see you eye to eye. It’s a great gift.
But just as I often stand before couples as they are making these vows, I sit before couples who are on the brink of divorce. They aren’t friends because they have drifted from each other’s side. They aren’t partners who have each other’s back because they are too worried the other might stab them in the back. They aren’t lovers who fully see one another but choose to love anyway.
They are enemies.
With some, the opposition is obvious. Couples yell and scream at one another, speak poorly about each other, and let everyone know of their contempt for their spouse. (See: Are You Being Used and Not Loved?)
In other relationships, the division is much more subtle. To outsiders, the relationship looks healthy, but each spouse knows the other is not for them. They don’t have their best interest at heart. They might appear loving in public, but they are cold at home. They might be a great conversationalist at the party, but they are silent around the dinner table. They might be willing to serve everyone, but they will not serve their spouse. Trust is lost and despite good appearances, the spouses are enemies.
In both scenarios, the two who are supposed to be each other’s greatest support is seen as their greatest threat. There are few things in marriage as comforting as knowing your spouse has your back. It frees you to ignore some problems or not feel pressured to seek some opportunities because if something arises, your spouse will take care of it. Life is easier because your spouse is for you. Yet there is nothing more exhausting than fearing that the one who is supposed to protect you, might exploit you. When your spouse becomes your enemy, it’s a double whammy–not only do you lack the peace and rest that comes from having someone watching out for you, but also you have to expend more energy watching out for them, making sure they don’t do you harm.
A Simple Test
Is your spouse for you?
If you cannot quickly and confidently answer that question, you have a major problem. It may not be immediately fatal, but at a minimum, it is a growing cancer on your relationship. Without outside intervention, the lack of trust will likely end your marriage. Without question, the absence of trust is having negative consequences on your present interaction.
Most individuals fail to positively answer the question for one of two reasons:
1. Their spouse can’t say they are for them. For some, there are no questions. Both parties know that they are not for each other. There is no pretending. They are about themselves and nothing else. If the well-being of the other person happens to run parallel with personal well-being then that’s a bonus, but generally, one spouse uses the other for personal gain.
2. Their spouse’s actions do not prove that they are for them. In some relationships, there is a question. The husband or wife might say they are for their spouse, but their actions don’t back up their words. The reality is that if a person’s actions do not continually prove they are for you, it doesn’t matter what they say. Actions prove the reality of words. If your spouse doesn’t act in your best interest, they are not for you.
Are You For Your Spouse?
It’s easy to know if we feel our spouse has our back or not. But we shouldn’t be so quick to assume our husband or wife knows that we are for them. (See: Why You Should Pray For Your Spouse)
Are you for your spouse?
- Do you want your spouse’s success maybe even more than they desire it?
- Can you celebrate their wins without any semblance of jealousy?
- Does it bring you even more joy when someone compliments them even compared to when they compliment you?
- Do you have to hold back bragging about your spouse to others because you already speak so highly of them?
- Do you regularly watch out for them trying to compensate for their weaknesses without them noticing?
- Do you ask them on a daily basis “what is one thing I can take off your plate today?”
While it’s important to know that our spouse is for us, the first step to a good marriage is making sure we are for our spouse.
Great article and easy to consider the questions. It is so sad when you realize your spouse is your most stressful part of your life. Thank you for this.
Unfortunately I totally agree with you; it’s extremely painful. My husband and I are separated at this point in time, and he is not for me and the rest of our family and hasn’t been for a while now. Marry a Partner Not a Child spoke volumes, but we are married – now what. I am changing my ways; I can only hope he is changing for the better as well.
My spouse is not mine…
She might have met someone better than me hence she hates me, she doesn’t love..
She want to separate from me, as she had brain washed my two grown up two childrens, one son and daughter MBA tech that I am suspecious, I am not good since marriage and much more.
Our 33 years of marriage life has come to end.waiting to get separated after son’s marriage within two months…
I surprise, how one can chane drastically and stag behind back to me..
Before 2 years she couldn’t live without me, but now she is not interested in me…
I have lost my hope and worried about life, what will happen…
No belief on human as saying,
” Man is the cruel animal on planet”
My spirit,has already been lost since one year…
No interest in living further life…as everything has been ruined…
Pl advice..
When one spouse is a narcissist, there is nothing to fix the situation except divorce.
I feel like I was the one that was the abuser but in reality she was gaslighting me when someone gaslights the other one does that bring out the worst than us does that make us the abuser
My spouse secretly has phone sex with another woman when I’m asleep we have been married 11 months this has been going on even now for 11months and he has a relationship with this person he constantly denies it the marriage is really bad I’m 59 he is 65 the sex sucks! He rather have phone sex masterbating on the phone rather than pleasing me I’m so hurt and devastated I don’t have any answers please advise me
I already knew my husband was my enemy. But your artical makes me feel better because now I know people know that this happens. My husband lied the day we married , he has always been my enemy and I was too stupid to see it. Now if you would write articles on how to get out of this mess. That would be great. I have been damged by him. I have learned to live alone no matter who is around. I used to tell people , i stopped because nobody wants to help and nobody wants to be brought down. I am old now and i have asked many people for help and I have been told no at best. At worst I have been taken advantage of. They know I have nobody on my side, so why not? I feel helpless and hopeless , then along comes an article like yours , and i still get no help and i go that much further down. Don’t think I am depressed, I couldn’t tell you all the horrible thinghs iv’e been through. I feel very forunate to be alive.
My spouse of 20 years expects me to respect and support her immediare family, which i have out of respect for her desire to support her immediate family.
She cannot bring herself to respect my family and wwe have talked about it but it is not her problem.
i have one sister survoving and she is a sweetherat and has never done anything to the wife that could be an interpersonal slight. We are close, but are 2000 miles away and there in minimal interaction beyond meeting for dinner on her travels.
My spouse has three siblings living. the family is disfunctional and I will not get into that.
I have respected the wifes wishes and helped support two of the other financially and physically in the home. The third complains abiut everything and none of them et along… really, for more ten a few hours.
I have just retired and and burned out of the drama that continues.
Have begun drinking more then I wish to “escape” the emotional and mental stress of this continueing drama of my wife rescueing her family at my expense.
Anyway…. I am prepared to quit this body and this life seeing no resolution beyond waliking into the desert to see what will happen as anything would be better then this ongoing story in the few years I have left.