Jul 312013 40 Responses

Four Lies to Never Tell Your Spouse

Every lie tells a truth.

As we deceive in one area of life, a truth is revealed about another area.

Lying in marriage reveals the true unhealthiness of the relationship. A lie doesn’t mean the whole relationship is unhealthy, but it does show an area of serious concern.

Left unchecked, small lies become a growing cancer which can destroy any relationship, especially marriage. (See: Find the Lie, Name the Truth)

Few people lie with an ill intent.

  • We lie because it feels easier.
  • We lie because we are trying to protect others.

    More on this topic can be found in Friends, Partners, & Lovers. Buy it here.

  • We lie because we are afraid of the truth.

While spouses lie about many things, most lies fit one of the following categories.

Beware of the following lies in marriage:

Lies of Location: Except for the possible planning of a surprise party or trip, I should never have to lie to my wife about where I have been or where I am going. Lying about either of these issues reveals an area of my life in which I am intentionally trying to cut out my wife. She is the most important person in my life. Cutting her out can only be done for negative reasons.

Lies of Communication: My wife should be aware of every form of communication available to me. I should never have a secret email account or an unknown cell phone number. While my job requires certain elements of confidentiality, I do not hide whom I’m speaking with. There is no reason to have secret conversations with others which my wife cannot find out about. Lies of location and communication are the two greatest warning signs of adultery. If you find your spouse lying about either, make an appointment with a counselor. (See: Two Steps to Solving 90% of Relationship Problems)

Lies of Finance: One of the most surprising elements of doing funerals over the past decade is the number of unknown loans, debts, bank accounts, and other financial issues which come out after the death. I never knew the number of people who make secret transactions without the knowledge or consent of their spouse. A financial lie is often a lie of extreme childishness. Unwilling or unable to come to a common ground with our spouse over a financial decision, we act like an 8–year-old and steal the cookie when we think no one is looking. Instead of lying, work on communication and negotiation. If you and your spouse still cannot agree on a purchase, don’t make the purchase. (See: Do Not Commit Financial Adultery)

Lies of Feelings: The most common lies seem innocent. Saying, “I don’t care” when you actually do. Saying, “that’s fine,” when it’s actually not. These lies conceal how we truly feel. As I’ve written before, it’s not my job to read your mind. Loving someone doesn’t mean we have the ability to predict how they feel at every moment. Communication is necessary. If we do not tell the truth about what we think and how we feel, true intimacy cannot take place. Lying about feelings reveals that we don’t trust our spouses enough to show them who we actually are. It’s a warning sign of a relationship which isn’t as healthy as it might appear. True intimacy allows us to reveal our true selves to our spouses and know we will be loved.

We lie because we think lying is easier. It will get us what we want without anyone being hurt.

And it often works….for a time.

Yet eventually, lies are discovered.

Hearts are hurt.

Relationships are broken.

Trust is shattered.

Lying might be easier in the moment but it’s more difficult in the long haul.

That’s why it is vital to tell the truth.

  • Even when it’s hard.
  • Even when it’s not convenient.
  • Even when you think you can get away with it.

One of the responsibilities of marriage is to tell the truth.

It might be difficult in the moment, but it will pay great rewards over a lifetime.

Good marriages are built on the truth.

40 Responses to Four Lies to Never Tell Your Spouse
  1. Maureen Reply

    This is so true it is surprising that you find lies even in Christian Marriages and even with Pastor`s especial with all these social medias.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Maureen, thanks for reading and for the comments. I’m intrigued, why is it “surprising that you find lies even in Christian marriages and even with pastor’s?” It seems like the gospel doesn’t make that surprising at all.

  2. deelmo Reply

    I think most men lie because they are too proud. They don’t want their wives to know that that they failed again. Most men lie about sexual things, like masturbation and pornography. They lie to protect their SELF, not others. For a wife, these are these worst lies. The ones that break the heart. And break the trust, respect, and admiration that they once felt towards their husbands. Masturbation and pornography show the the wife what kind of person the man truly is. Those two things reveal more about him than any other ‘lie’ or mistake he has or will ever make.

  3. Jodi Reply

    I have been married to my husband for 20 years. He has always had a problem with lying from day one. It is truly destroying the trust I have in him. He is aware of the problem, but time and time again I am having to face the same issues. The sad thing is that he lies about things about things that should be easy to tell the truth. I am now believing that his actions prove to me the lack of love and respect he has for me.

  4. Alex Reply

    I have been married for 9 years and my husband has regularly lied to me about the 4 subjects you have highlighted. This is despite us seeing marriage counsellors, where he has ‘committed’ to stop being dishonest. He says he lies because he doesn’t want to deal with my reactions, but there would be no reaction if he told the truth. Even when caught out, he still lies, leaving me unsure of where he has been and with whom. I almost never get the true story, rather him defending his actions. He makes me feel like it is my fault that he lies, and that’s what hurts the most. Like Jodi in her earlier post, I too believe his lying proves the lack of love and respect he has for me. The BIG question I have is how, where and when to draw the line? We have young children, and they are picking up on his dishonesty often begging him to just tell the truth. It breaks my heart, but clearly it’s not enough for him to change.

  5. puppynumber7 Reply

    I found out 2 years ago that my husband of 30 years was lying to me about drinking (he has a drinking problem). He has continued to lie about it to me and his family, making out that I am to blame for his having to lie. I always thought he was a straight-up kind of guy, but have found out that he’s not, which is a bit of a shock. Now I wonder what other lies he has told me. He makes me feel worthless and unwanted. He is now drinking in the open instead of lying about it. But he is still lying to me – yesterday I asked if we won any Lotto on our ticket and he said No. He didn’t know it but I had taken a photocopy of the ticket – I checked for myself and we had won $75. I asked him why he keeps lying but again, he said it is my fault because he wants to have money that I don’t know about. He said he can’t buy me a present without me knowing about it (I do the accounts because he doesn’t want to). I said why not withdraw cash and just tell me you are keeping it? Why lie?

  6. lana Reply

    Well, 36 wedding anniversaries under our belt…
    My husband has been physically attractive facially and in his fitness.
    We have good jobs, our home is paid for, our children have families gifting us with grandchildren.
    Now his frame has a ponch out front and a nose that is becoming bulbous and purple. His drinking began out of the blue in 2006, ended abruptly with a serious motorcycle accident in 2010.
    But in the last 10 months, not only is it beer but whisky, and lies.
    I am thinking perhaps Pinochio is an allegory of drunken liars, the nose grows with every lie.
    We are still paying on medical debt from 2010, his alcohol expenditures were 300.00 a month prior to the accident on just beer alone. Not sure what it is now with 50.00 bottles of whiskey on top of the beer.
    One lie, two lies three lies in the last couple months call all 36 years of what I supposed was based on trust into a sinking sand pit.
    Wow, who am I, who are we?
    How did this happen and how do we measure worth in dishonesty, and to think we are people of faith in the CREATOR…
    Hmmm…

  7. Jude Reply

    Wow! The people writing sound so like my husband & I. Feeling less respected, sad, alone & unsure of what to do. He just always says “Calm down!.. Nothing gets resolved. This lying has been happening since the eve of our wedding. 26-1/2 years ago. I just feel exhausted from it all. Our boys are grown now. I’m thinking of leaving but don’t really want to.
    Jude here.

  8. Angela Reply

    Maureen I have or thought I had a Christian marriage, but my husband had lied to me for 7 years. I thought he would change because he convinced me it was just a gambling addiction, and swore to GOD he’d never deceive me again. I’ve had this gut feeling something wasn’t right for years, but he convinced me I was going crazy. He recently admitted to a “friendship ” with a female coworker that he kept from me. He blames me saying that he was afraid I would get upset. I kept thinking how could he be this liar if he knows God. He and I had been deepening our relationship with Christ ,or so I thought. But, I finally looked back over our marriage, and prayed for eyes to see and hears to hear God’s truth in all things. What I saw by looking back was very painful to acknowledge, and still hurts deeply. My husband is a sociopath. There are many out there, and some use God as a cover. More than one can imagine. The reason they use God is because it’s a masterful way to gain someone’s (or everyone’s) trust. I can’t understand why he has done these things to someone he claimed to love, but praise God I can’t think like the monster he is. It was heart wrenching to discover this, but also it was a relief. I spent years thinking I wasn’t good enough, and just looking for answers. Nothing makes sense when you are married to a sociopath. I’m trying to plan how to salvage what little I have left, and get myself and my kids out of here. Wish you luck .

  9. Shawn Reply

    Well ladies, I am one of those husbands who is selfish, prone to instant gratification, porn addicted, who acts as if the “rules / laws” don’t necessarily appy to him or his motivations. I have become a habitual liar, something I truly hate in others. I am probably borderline sociopath, definately passive-aggressive and fearful is probably the best word, or cowardly. My wife “blows up” as my procrastination and “princely” attitude keeps putting us in bad situations. I am afraid of telling my wife when I’ve let her down in some way, not just because of my own self esteem but also because I truly don’t want to hurt her emotionally so I lie or withhold the truth until it is impossible to deny any longer. The last job I lost (looking at porn at work) I actually pretended to go to work as usual for about a week (I was actively looking for another job, hoping to find one before my wife found out about being fired.) I’ve been fired from every job I’ve had since I was 18 (or laid off, but only because I deserved to be fired), but somehow manage to land on my feet as my 1st wife used to say, and keep from falling into complete ruin but those in my life – Wife, ex-wife, Children, Parents, In-Laws, they all suffer more than I do. Anyhow, this isn’t a confessional, I just wanted to thank you for what you have written here in the comments section. It probably won’t change me but I do want to stop. If your husbands have anything in common with me, they are not actively or consciously trying to hurt you. It is just the results of our selfishness, not accepting our responsibility as an adult, as a husband, as a father, as a man…

    Best wishes to you,
    Calmly address his problems with the focus on improving communication. We have difficulty dealing with anything looking or sounding hysterical – that pushes us away. Don’t forgive until our actions earn such forgiveness, but also don’t “beat a dead horse” with the same record playing over and over. I don’t know – just thinking out loud here.

    • steve Reply

      shaun you sound like a human you are good and sensetive you have a soul dont blame your self you are what is needed but this modern life does not fit you so you hurt your self not meaning to hurt others .but they love you more than most.love your self first.find who you are,we sound pretty much the same ,,lol self destructive..its easy way out,,oh the earth is flat..you probably have a very high IQ ..thats not easy we think too much..lol,,use your energy in a good way if you can,you are a leader,,,;-)

    • julian martinez Reply

      Yes. I agree with you. My past has a lot in common with yours. No excuses. I’m an asshole who can’t just being one despite being humbled and hit rock bottom. I hate it. I change what I’m willing and can change. Slowly improving.. but it’s my fault no one else’s.

    • Badlands Babe Reply

      It’s called growing up.

  10. tiffany hyt Reply

    Thank you Shawn for sharing. I appreciate that at the very least you can take responsibility for your actions. Also the tip on getting hysterical. I experience horrible anxiety and when my husband (if you can even call him that) hurts me it sends me into an awful panic attack which eventually leads to hysteria because he keeps kicking and spitting on me emotionally when I’m at my lowest. I know it only makes him behave enough worse towards me almost as if he gets off on the pain he is inflicting. I despise divorce and expressed that before ever getting married. I never thought I would consider it but if I don’t have respect for myself how can I expect anyone else to? What I’m most upset w is that he has backed me into a position to have to go against my morals. My feelings for him personally have become in different and non existent

  11. […] If the answer is no, he doesn’t love you. (See: 4 Lies to Never Tell Your Spouse) […]... kevinathompson.com/litmus-test-his-love
  12. ed Reply

    My husband has lied his whole life. He is very good at it and he knows no other way, so his lies are who he is. It is a natural thing for him. Of course he is so good at it, that I did not realize the lies until several years into the marriage. ” My ex girlfriend stole my mail and caused me to get into a financial bind ruining my credit”. “We will get out of it because of all the money I earn”. Ten years later and no ex girlfriend in sight, he spends every dime he earns, and has for years. He has no savings, no investments and no 401k. Early in our relationship I was duped (out of love) and he went through my savings and I took out a home equity line of credit on my home for him. I have since learned my lesson and have been able to rebuild my finances.
    He loans people money (thousands of dollars) to be the good guy, and we have two mortgages, a HELOC, two car loans, bills up the ying yang, and unpaid taxes. He denies lending people money….another lie. He gave all of our financial information, including copies of bank statements to a family member and co-signed an apartment lease behind my back. All this after he asked me for help to rebuild his credit. Needless to say I am still very upset about this family member having all of our financial information. I feel so violated and hurt by all of his actions, but especially this one. He’s always racking up credit card debt buying collectible items that stay in boxes because we have no where to put them. Excessively spending on clothes to the point where he has taken over three closets in the house, including mine. Sends people to expensive restaurants and certain family members of his call to say they’re going out to eat, so he’ll pay the $500 + meal. He says he has a problem saying no. His self gratification lifestyle comes first without the consideration of me or the marriage or our future. There is so much more that I did not even touch on, because I this would turn into a book. Bottom line, liars suck. I always kept it real.

  13. Lucy Reply

    I have a very serious problem with my husband. He lies all the time. I have caught him in lies numerous times. I have listened to him blatantly lie to his job that he was running late from a flat tire instead of saying he overslept. Most of his lies are stupid. I ask him why he would lie over such stupid things when the truth is fine. No one is going to get mad at you for saying the truth. But he gets angry when I tell him that so now he tries to accuse me of lying when I am not. He is trying to break me down. Well, this last one is the worst lie I think, who knows really? He said he had to travel out of town for training for his job and he did not send me his itinerary etc, like he normally does. He acted a little weird the night before but acted normal the day I dropped him off. then I found numerous holes in his story. Found out he flew across the country and is staying with his buddy. Now he will not talk to me. Because I am the one full of crap.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      I would recommend immediate counseling with or without him. If he doesn’t start telling the truth the relationship is likely over.

  14. KRISSY Reply

    I have found out a couple months ago that my husband has a female co-worker whom he talks to on the phone at least 8 times for the day. Each call going over 30mins. At first when he was getting these calls I wasn’t suspecting anything but then everything change. No one from his work place use to call him so this increase is very noticeable. I was looking on our phone bill and the phone is there every day and night with text as well, too much time for a co worker. I confronted him about it, he got defensive, saying he doesn’t know who I speak on my phone which is a lie. He knows f everyone I speak to. I ask why is she sending your pictures, he ask what pictures and how did I see pictures. I told him I didn’t like the change. He agreed that it would make me suspicious and that it was his fault and that he is sorry but it happen again. At 3am he is having conversations with her at home. I said to him you definitely do not respect your home and marriage so neither does she. He gets defensive if I ask to see his phone lately and it started to sleep in his pockets. Once he said he was going to a part somewhere else but ended up going to her birthday party when he said he want going there. His reason for going the guys werent ready to go to the other party. I don’t even know what to think. I know he lies, that one thing I know of a fact about my husband. We have been married for 2 years. In total we have been together for 6 years with two babies.

  15. Sara Reply

    Husband lies about everything even when he is caught red handed he will lie on top of that lie and then he will starting pointing fingers as though it’s all my fault when I fact he is absolutely incapable of remotely telling the truth. The other night he lied about the simplest thing he swore he said bye to be before he left with the kids knowing he didn’t then he became angry when he stated such and such facts because they were not true and then he proceeded to get angry saying so you are calling me a liar. Yes, at this point I am in fact calling you a liar because you know as well as I do that you were caught on one of the dumbest lies ever and instead of just saying I’m sorry for the absolute stupidity you just kept it rolling. I’ve also, had evidence when he does things wrong. Said part is he can still look me in the face and lie he’s just like his mother Trash ALL AROUND! It’s funny because he stands over me trying to act as though you calling me a liar see here’s the funny part those words always come out of his mouth and never mind but the other night when he lies I did in fact let him know he was in fact a liar and that he wasn’t going to intimidate me. I’m sooooo done and want a Divorce for this POS has lied one too many times to me and I deserve the world not this JOKE OF A MAN!!

  16. Tracey Reply

    I have caught him losing so many times it’s not even funny and then after all that he thinks he has the right to feel me up like Seriously who does that. I’ve actually given him the benefit of the doubt numerous times Only to realize I’m so done with him and his BS sad part is that he’s Not even worth it. He never has been and Never will be. If he can lie about the simplest of things what else could he be lying to me about. It’s sad because I can tell by his actions that he in fact doesn’t love me but god forbid I say those words because he becomes so angry it’s not even funny. See I married a good guy who turned out to be the worst man I’ve ever meet in my entire life. he has done some very horrible things to me very horrible and yet he acts as though it’s all my fault that I’m the problem. If I bring up concerns he says here we go again which is so unfair because they are concerns in which I have and by the way he is acting my concerns are very real and valid. I should be able to talk to him but he then goes into these HUGE rages of fit and when I question him regarding anything I could just be asking he is already on the defensive and I haven’t really asked much of anything. I think he does this thinking I won’t ask why or what is going on like the bigger the scene he throws or the more crazy He appears about the matter that it will all go away – it doesn’t however at that moment in time I do stop talking or even asking. I have called the cops on him before and the cops actually thought he was drinking and/or drunk because of how crazy he looks and how BIG his eyes get when he’s so angry. I wish he would step to a real man the way he steps to me his wife who is a woman because a REAL man would put him in his place. And I know 100% they would. To me when he becomes so enraged with angry and then of course he starts punching holes in the wall, punching holes in the cabinets threatening to kill himself something is seriously wrong and then nothing ever gets taken care of or handled because when I ask what can we do to ensure that his rages of destruction Never happen again all I hear about is I should ask him like this or I should change that NOTHING OF HIS PSYCHO SYCOPATHIC Behavior should be changed only I should change how he is questioned with is many many lies he spews. It’s sad because he does this in front of the kids without care for them or really without care to anyone.

    • julian martinez Reply

      He is not a man. He is not a man. A coward, a child and appears to have cross the line and is a pyschopath. Only his needs are important. I have seen people like this in my line of work. Be careful. Get away. Or put him away..

  17. Martha Reply

    My husband lies non stop to people and expects me to match his story so that he doesnt get caught which annoys the hell out of me because I dont like to lie because you just never know it may come back & bite me in the butt! Just simpleittle dumb things like if someone asked him what he was doing hed lie & say hes doing one thing but really hes drinking or if someone asks for money or anything he always tells them something other than the truth and I always ask him “Why do you do that???” Why dont you just tell them the truth like who cares??!! He would either laugh and say who cares or whats wrong with that? Or just doesnt repond and if i dont back off then It ends up backfiring and I end up in tears just because he knows what he is doing is stupid but he doesnt want someone reminding him & jst refuses to chat about it. I trust him with girls but with everything else I always ask question myself whether he is for real. Married for 11yrs and he lied to me about money and put us in debt & still are till this day and I resent him for it. 5yrs in to the marriage i was pregnat with out 1st baby & we were argueing quite a bit and he would take off and spend our money @ the Casino & would come home & not speak to me until I made the first move which I did and still do but of course I was ALWAYS wrong! Anyways one of those times where he had taken off after an argument he came home with a 32″ TV saying that he had bought it with his winnings from Casino & apologised about our fight. Another time after that he came home with a 50″ TV saying the same thing. Another time after that he came home while i was in bed facing my back to him & he was apologising that he had spent all our money again & I was furious at this point. I sat up crying my eyes out telling hil how upset I was & then he gave me his wallet & I opnenes it & there was $1000 & he had a grin on his face & told me that he had won it at the pokies on his way home. This all happened after our arguments…….ONE day we received a letter from a sort of credit card company where you can make purchases at certain stores and a TV was one of them. He said he had no idea and that he would ring them. Time went by & I came across another letter with 2 TV’s and he said hes not sure why and was vedy angry at the credit
    Card company for sending letters under his name when he had not purchasd anything. This went on for weeks and weeks & I kept asking him & we had argued a few times & i ended up in tears because i knew that it didnt Add up…..ONE day I was looking for something in his car and there was a credit card underneath the car mat of the drivers side. I confronted him & he was lost of words and was very apologetic. I was 8 months pregnant & FURIOUS it wasnt even funny and then the worst thing of all is that probably not even 30mins of my crying and anger and bringing up all the lies he said to me? He ended up being angry at me for Making a huge deal about it. He swore that he would never make up such big lies again but he still lies about dumb things and whenever I ask him not to lie and that i hate it when people lie he turns to me and tries to say that I lie as well so i dont have the right to judge him. If i say ok yea there may be the little white lie when im tired and i dont want visitors i can say im doing something when im not but he says but still a lie is a lie!!! His lies are not normal but tries to make me out to be a liar. frustratg!!

  18. Sad and confused Reply

    Wow, I am saddened to see that my husband has lied on all these accounts as well. I finally pushed for counseling, which he reluctantly agreed to. I am ambivalent that the counseling will help our relationship…as he has lied about some pretty important and intimate details. I guess the most sad thing for me is that we have always been best friends and the stuff he struggles with is very deep. I have let him know that I love him and will never judge him…yet he will not let me in. On suspicion, I checked his phone…and he has a secret email where he has planned several “outings” with other people and made it very clear that his wife is never to know. “Don’t want to mess up the family thing,” is what he wrote. My heart is breaking, but thank you for your article…I am slowly realizing how toxic my relationship is.

  19. Jacqueline Torres Reply

    I too have a husband who is a liar. I have been married for a few years and have come to find out that my husband had placed spy apps in my phone,set up different accounts and hacked into the system to make me feel as though someone is stalking me. Come to find out it was my husband! He himself had apps hiding apps so one day I went in his phone and forward the files he had stored and forward it to me. OmG all these days sites chat groups Twitter along with a list of girls name and numbers to user names etc. I confronted him and he replies “oh sure” whatever Jacqui. I told him You only spied on me to cover your own doing. To this day he continues to get angry if I talk to him bout it, he still tries to blame me for accusing him and that I bitch too much. I said I have facts and my husband tells me good for you. Wow. I’m so sad. I said all I do is love you. I also noticed he has several Facebook accounts email accounts bank account and that he putz everything international with different languages. He never owns up to his doing. Never tells me sorry has no respect for me and my opinion he needs a good ass kicking. Told him I’m done with his nartistic behavior. Stupidity is when you believe the lies. I know truth and that’s why I’m out.

  20. Sandra Reply

    Funny how in most of these comments the other person is the liar. Lol. I lie. I lie by withholding information because I want to get my own way, because I like my ideas better and because I HATE confontation. He lies too I guess. Sometimes I wish he’d withhold a little more information. Some things I do not want to hear. I never try ask him hard questions because I don’t want to put him in a situation where he feels he must lie. I listen and acknowledge and die inside because I lie. I’m too afraid and too proud to tell the truth. When I have told the truth about my imperfect self. . I just get in trouble so. . I lie.

  21. Dee Reply

    My partner has lied to me for years over different things says he never has had Facebook and Twitter but every day it’s always in his data base every day even when I clear it the next day it there again always delete his history but always denied it the only time it’s not on there if he is is at home I found porn on there the other week again looking through his data he said it’s it’s where he plays the games and that’s the way he logs in to Facebook and Twitter so now enough is enough

  22. Jenny Reply

    my husband lies, then we file bankruptcy, he lies more, the bankruptcy fails so we pay to file again. I scramble get things as repaired as possible, put my nose back to the grind, only now, I watch every call, look over the bankaccount, try to see the lies. you know what? he changes the pattern. You cannot change a person who lies. They will always lie. It is who they are from the very core.
    I stayed until I turned myself inside out. I hated who I had become and I was the one put in antidepressants. Throw the pills away and run as fast as you can away from a liar.

  23. Vicki Lingle Reply

    My husband of just 2 yrs has been accused by another woman of sleeping with her for 6. Before I even knew him. She gave a dirty pic (it’s him cuz he sent it to me once – yuck) & copies of texts. He denies it’s him. For 9 months I’ve dug further & found questionable charges, hotels, restaurants, a google account, etc. He says he was stalked by his X & this gal to break us up. He denies all it. I caught him read handed with a secret phone recently & he said his parents bought it for him to communicate since I’m “up his ass about everything”. We tried a counselor who has us go to Apple to setup me being able to read his texts & location. But, instead of him just turning that service off, he for 9 months showed on that phone nothing suspicious except bad mouthing me but now I found out he has another phone. Can this behavior ever be corrected if he denies it or will it last forever? Not sure if I should just divorce already. I’m a one woman kind of gal. This has devastated me and he’s manipulating everyone around us to make me look crazy but he’s the one lying and secrets and possibly cheating…more than likely cheating.

  24. Ci Reply

    I can so relate to the comments I have read here. My husband of 23 years lied to me for more than a year about continuing to be working when he had been terminated from his last job. He drained what little savings he had, while insisting that he was “working from home”. It was only when our mortgage went into default that I found out the truth about his termination. I insisted we go to counseling or to an attorney for a separation agreement. Even then, he refused to admit that he had a problem. He kept insisting that once he got a job, everything would be fine. I am a classic middle child, the ultimate peacemaker who hates confrontation. We have perfected social chitchat, never having anything of substance to say to one another. I used to love and respect my husband as the head of our household. No, sadly I do neither..

  25. Kris Reply

    I was abused as a child and then married an abuser. I learned to lie to survive. I know there are different reasons to tell “little lies” – makes me look better, I can’t always tell the difference between the lie and the truth, and it is a form of self-preservation. Some examples have been at work if I have not started something, I will tell my boss I have, then get right to work on it; I may tell someone they look good wearing clothes that I would not pick out; etc. The lastest is that I bought a phone and my boyfriend wanted to show me which was best after I had already bought it, so I told him I hadn’t bought one. I knew I could return it and our finances are not intermingled. We do not live together either. He blew up and said he can’t trust me. I don’t understand it. My ex-husband lied about having an affair and called me paranoid and crazy for thinking he was. He lied about drinking and smoking. He lied about me to our children. To me, those are lies. A phone? Maybe I just can’t tell the difference anymore.

  26. Liza Reply

    Financial Infidelity is the same as Cheating.. Lying is the center of all these scenarios and the feelings of betrayal are overwhelming.

    Therefore, I can relate to many aspects of this article and the great replies. However, my situation is a bit different as it relates to financial infidelity and lies. I recently learned my husband of 2 years (we are both divorced and middle aged) lied to me about how much money he would inherit from trusts etc. and told me dont worry, “There will be plenty of money” and “You will have the life of your dreams” and “I will pay off your student loans, don’t worry consider them my bills” -Just a few examples of the promises that became lies. What makes it all worse is that he did all this knowing that i wanted financial stability and that i had my own debt I was anxious about..
    I loved him and I believed him. So now what?

    This is my life and my dreams. Who I want to share it with should have been made based on truth and complete transparency- including finances. He made promises he couldnt keep so he wouldn’t lose me and thought he could ‘make it up to me” and turn it all around.

    I’m left dazed and confused and wondering why I was such an idiot and believed in him. It feel like he figured out what I needed and then he gave it to me. To capture me? Its all very confusing to say the least. He loved me that much he would lie to keep me or he manipulated me and he is not the man I thought he was? I did fall in love as he was everything I dreamed of and I felt he truly loved me. I guess I need to figure it out and come up with a plan.

    I would like real feedback and advice. Experiences/advice/opinions on Financial Infidelity?

  27. JB Reply

    30 years ago my wife and I were just dating. We broke up! When we got back together she asked if I had a girlfriend and I said yes. She Asked if I have been sleeping with her. Honestly “sleeping” With her meant to me whether I Was making love to her . I immediately said no because I never did. I didn’t think it was right to go away ! But she knew I was fooling around a bit sexually with her but not all away ! Sometime after that I thought I did sleep in her bed but just fooled around a bit. I know she meant did we go all the way! A few times my 0CD kicked in years later for some strange reason and thought actually I did sleep with her. Why I thought of it years later I don’t know But I know that’s not what she meant . So I never thought I was lying Or I would’ve said yes. For some reason that has bugged me at times. Now if I was to bring that question up 30 years later, and say what I just told you, she would think I was nuts,number one, it could turn into a huge fight over nothing and why would I even talk about that 30 years later. I’ve confessed it to the Lord, been as honest and faithful to her whenever we were dating and obviously after we got married. I think I’ve been a good Catholic, made my confessions and will you have three beautiful children. To 9 out of 10 they would think I was nuts writing this. To hurt the relationship with something like that so long ago that was not meant to be a lie I know I would be crazy but it bugs me. Am I that nuts? Even in AA, when you have to tell the truth to anyone you hurt, if you cheated and it’s going to destroy a marriage you’re not supposed to tell her ! This sounds crazy but just writing it to you and asking for an opinion makes me feel better. This only comes and goes every once in a while when my brain is out of whack. She’s wonderful and I would hate to hurt her even with something that sounds so simple 30 years ago. Because I know what you meant then !
    Thoughts ?

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      If it’s bothering you, I would consider telling her in order to get it settled in your mind.

  28. DP Reply

    JB, if what you have shared is the honest truth then you’re one of a few men women are looking for…. The only thing I know would keep your wide and give her emotional security and trust is you telling her the truth. In case she gets mad at you, it will not take that long. I want to say thank you to everyone who shared their dory on this platform. You have no idea how much you rescue many from potential dangers. A high five to Kevin, you’re a genius. God help you heal many brokenhearted and of course those who need guidance.

  29. Richard Reply

    My wife lies about money so much I am feeling destroyed. And the lies come after I thought we have achieved victory. I am exhausted and deeply hurt. I am not sure I can trust again. My pain,why break the trust of a loving husband. Why the lies?why

  30. Kc Reply

    I lied and was steadfast for too long in a lie to my wife about a lunch with a colleague whom she had just confronted me with suspicions. It has shattered the trust in our marriage even though the nature of my relationship with my colleague was not at all sexual or emotional. My wife cannot believe me because of the lie that I told. This is clearly my fault, I just wish there was someway I could show her that I’m not all bad but I have lost all credibility. Every time we take a turn where it feels like we might be able to survive together as a couple, her anger builds again and progress is immediately torn down. What is left for me to do to rebuild her trust in me and in our relationship? She doesn’t believe me but it is truly not in my nature to cheat.

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