Apr 292018 26 Responses

Six Signs of a Lazy Man

Never marry a lazy man. There are other men you shouldn’t marry, but this is near the top of the list. When I wrote Five Types of Women You Shouldn’t Marry, someone commented with advice regarding men you shouldn’t marry. Without hesitation, the first thought was one who is lazy. Laziness kills relationships. It might not be apparent when a couple is dating, but when a commitment is made laziness will cripple connection, create bitterness, and condemn the woman and man into a parent/child relationship.

While anyone can be lazy, it’s a plight far more experienced from men than women. One of the greatest struggles with modern society is the abundance of lazy men. While a healthy work-ethic isn’t enough to guarantee a strong relationship, it is a good prerequisite.

6 Lazy Signs

When a man is lazy, he often is characterized by several of the following:

1. He makes everything about him. Humility takes effort. Serving others demands energy. The laziest route is always the most selfish route. Lazy people make everything about them–how they feel, what they want, what they desire, etc. Even their spouse’s birthday or special day is about them. A healthy relationship weaves the spotlight from the couple to each individual. Lazy men aren’t willing to share the spotlight. Everything has to be about them.  Question: Does your man regularly set aside what he desires in order to focus on you?

2. He demands the benefits but takes no responsibilities. It’s easier to blame others rather than to take responsibility for a situation. While lazy men love the benefits of marriage, they do not enjoy the duty of commitment. So they love to spend money but aren’t diligent in making or saving it. They are quick to be served, but not to serve. Relationships have many benefits, but they also have several demands. We shouldn’t have the former without the latter. Question: Does your man carry a fair amount of the workload in the relationship? (Site: Are You Being Used and Not Loved?)

3. He doesn’t know your wants, desires, needs, or fears. Knowing another person is a process. It can never be assumed and knowledge must always be growing. Lazy men just aren’t willing to make the effort. Their laziness in this area might express itself in a lack of inquisitiveness, making assumptions, refusal to pay attention to details, and failing to listen. Any man who claims to fully know a woman is probably arrogant and lazy. Men don’t know women. They study them and are continually aware there is much more to know. Question: Does your man regularly ask your opinion or thoughts about a variety of issues?

4. He refuses to compromise. Peacemaking takes an effort which many are unwilling to give. Finding a middle ground demands that we identify and communicate our desires. We listen and understand the desires of our partner. We determine what we are willing to give up and what we can’t. Lengthy discussions occur in order to find an agreed-upon resolution. This doesn’t happen once in a relationship. It’s an ongoing pattern week after week. Many men don’t find the process worth the time or energy. Instead, they will demand their way either by force or through emotional manipulation. Question: Does your man do the work necessary to find common ground when disagreement occurs?

5. He never goes the extra mile for you even if he does for others. Love isn’t about the bare minimum. While there are times that we only do what is necessary, the best relationships are regularly defined by two people who continually go the extra mile. Many men will serve others well while failing to do so for their wives. They work hard at their career, play hard with their friends, but fail to serve the one they claim to love. Question: Does your man do far more than you expect in order to communicate his love?

6. He is full of excuses but not changes. Words are easy. A person can say whatever is necessary at the moment to appease a partner who is upset or give the appearance that everything is okay. But words that aren’t followed up by action are empty. They are pointless. Change takes effort. While words occur in a second, meaningful change is never immediate. It’s one thing to say I’m going on a diet; it’s something totally different to lose weight. It’s easy to say I should work out; it takes true effort to go to the gym every day. Words are important, but only if they are followed by actions. Question: Does your man do what he says? (See: A Litmus Test for His Love)

A healthy relationship requires work. While marriage shouldn’t be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, it should be something that demands many things from you. Because marriage demands energy, it requires a person not to be lazy. While dating a lazy person can be enjoyable, being married to one never is.

Never commit to a lazy man because a lazy man is never fully committed to you.

26 Responses to Six Signs of a Lazy Man
  1. T Reply

    Kevin, this “lazy man” sounds a lot like a man with a narcissistic personality, maybe on the range of disorder / NPD. “Me.me,me” the complete antithesis of God’s gospel message/the life of Jesus Christ.

  2. Tracy Murray Reply

    Oh my word! I’ve never seen an article that so accurately describes my ex husband ! Every point is spot on! As a mom of 8 biological children who I homeschooled for 30 years I was forever busy, but my husband only helped when it suited him or when someone else was watching. Even your example about dieting was one he used over our 34 years of marriage. In addition, he never made more than $40,000 a year and I managed to run the household debt free.

    Your article was extremely comforting as I as myself as one who would end up divorced. I was committed til death. But because of the situation I was already dead in many ways. I have been divorced for 2.5 years and I am happier than I’ve been in a long long time. I laugh again and I’ve found ME again.

  3. JM Reply

    I would love feedback on this, I have been with my fiancé for a total of 9 years, over then last year he has shown #5 and is spot on #6 .. what can someone do to get back to a good healthy relationship at this point? My biggest concern is he aw knowledges there is this issue however never follows through with making the effort of fixing the communication or issues at hand, it’s all these false promises that kept building and building and i want to stop any sort of parent/child now before we say I do.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Great questions. I would get with a counselor and get to work. Maybe he can find out why he hesitates to make changes.

  4. Niki Reply

    I’m so glad I found your blog and book but wish all of it had existed 15 years ago. Now the lazy man you describe who became my husband is finally doing something… leaving us! I can’t say I’m upset, considering the laundry list you just perfectly described, which I’ve lived under for far too long. I just hate knowing he’s taught these traits to my children and will cause them pain by walking away. Thank you for speaking truth to what I believed was just my opinion and/or view.

  5. Leann Reply

    With this character of a spouse, it actually is the hardest thing in life.

  6. Ashley Reply

    This is so good. Most people seem to have the concept that if a man is a good worker and provides for his family, then he is not lazy. But I’ve discovered that laziness can show up in the relationship even if it’s not present in the Job-related area of one’s life. When it’s like that it’s so hard to convey to others what the situation is like, because it’s less tangible than if he were refusing to work.

  7. Sandy Reply

    OMG, this is so right on point and right on time as my relationship recently came to an end after over 5 years of back and forth off and on struggling to make ”us” work, but this laziness was probably my biggest issue with him and everything you’ve described is right on point especially the emotional manipulation (gaslighting) and reading this article gives me the peace that I so need right now as it’s still early days, that I’ve made the right decision finally walking away from this toxic relationship as I also could never be myself.

  8. MJ Reply

    This article describes…me. Kevin, what steps can I take away from this behavior and toward recovery?

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      The start is to see the problem, so well done. Next, I would get with a counselor, life-coach, or mentor who can hold you accountable to some new choices.

  9. Crystal Reply

    I am ashamed to find myself here, looking for answers. I was warned, during our four years of dating, of the ‘type’ of man i was about to marry. That was 18 years ago. For me, the hardest part of this has been wondering why it feels as if I’ve been a single parent to our three girls all these years. However, my husband does have many good points/positives I try to focus on, instead. I vowed to stay with him, for better or for worse, & while I would never leave him, I do find myself daydreaming of how it must be for those wives that are cherished….which I feel so guilty about. He doesn’t believe in counseling & refuses to agree that we both need mentoring. I don’t know where to go from here, all I know to do is to get up everyday, put one foot in front of the other & keep remembering that my husband is in need of the same grace as the rest of us.

  10. KSK Reply

    If one has a lazy partner – STOP doing things for them and they will most likely realize that things aren’t quite right when they no longer have clean underwear to wear each day… cut off the pipeline of enabling their laziness. Life is not to be spent caring for able-bodied adults – that’s insane. Counseling may work for a bit in the beginning, but humans are creatures of habit. Unless the enablers stop enabling the lazy humans, they won’t change. Stop ironing their clothes and cleaning up after them – if you’re doing this BEFORE getting married, it’s your own fault, don’t expect them to magically change. If this behavior rears its ugly head after marriage, the offender is in their “comfort phase” and is taking you for granted, which will lead to relationship problems and possibly divorce, if it’s severe enough. Allowing another adult to drain you with their laziness is not the way to live…

  11. SK Reply

    What do I do now that I am married with young children to this kind of man? I accept my fault in ignoring the warning signs, but now it is too late. My family is heading towards ruin, facing possible homelessness by the end of the year. I have done everything I felt I could to help and to fix this but in the end only he can change.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      I would seek professional counseling, preferably with him but if not then without him.

  12. RR Reply

    This describes my live-in boyfriend exactly. I have struggled for two and a half years. I moved out at the end of the year, and made the mistake of returning. His “I promise to change” lasted a day. Anyone reading this, take this blog and these comments as an example-pack your bags before he ruins you, and move on. Men to lazy to live are even lazier to change.

  13. Ivy Reply

    Excellent article, Kevin. Spot on. This sound like a Narcissist individual.

  14. Melissa Reply

    Is there a way to change the “lazy”. I know I read someone said stop doing stuff for them, but there are some stuff I’d still have to that he won’t just to keep our house from smelling. Why are they like this. He doesn’t believe in counseling.I want to leave, but I have a 3 and 6 year old. How can I do that to them?

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      “Why are they like this?” Most of “them” aren’t. He needs to step up and be a man. I would go to counseling with or without him.

  15. Margie Reply

    I’m 61 and my husband was raised in a home / culture where this is the norm. I was as well. I can’t recall my husband ever asking me what I felt or thought about anything important. He does love me to the best of his ability I believe. It’s almost like years ago we viewed marriage as a working team but genuine intimacy was not a goal or even expected to be. The man was simply “more important” ? The wife was supposed to do everything to make his life easier and it went without saying that he was the one to be served. I think these attitudes were based on the man being the sole bread winner – but I always worked as well. I never even considered laziness in light of relationships – I’m old and from the Deep South but I’m sharing this post for my unmarried daughters that I probably taught without intending to- to expect no more.

  16. Sarah Reply

    My bf refuses to work,says he is retired but has no income.what do I do??run in the opposite direction.he believes in God will provide…I work and earn an income

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Generally, God provides as we work. I would be very cautious with someone who thinks like this.

  17. Ikema Y Williams Reply

    I sm reading everyone response and its sad to say that I HAVE A LAZY MAN…But I have questioned other men on the subject. I’ve asjed are you lazy or do you help with things at home and they go on to say I love cooking i lije cleaning up or I do ckean I wash fold clothes but as far as NY ON 43 YEAR OLD MAN…COMPLETE DOESN’T DO ANY OF THAT UNLESS HE SEES ME CLEANING UP.. He barely even keeps himself up to part I should have left his ass a lohg time ago vut I’m preparing Myself to leave him I can not accept a marriage proposal from A LAZY NAN.. U mean its only right to say that if he’s performing these works now, I can only imagine how things are gonna be after the marriage…Women are fooled by the fact that our men will change but they wont but men are known to feel that the woman wont leave but she will..Being lazy is such a turn off for me I want a man who puts in just as much effort and Energy as I do and feel good about it.

  18. Lady B Reply

    This is so very true. I believe that these men will die in their own misery. They are selfish, lazy, don’t care about anyone but themselves. Claims to know God but acts like the devil’s child. They are hopeless to say the least. Only, when God gets a real hold on them, then they will change. Sometimes it will take a major thing to cause them to be afraid even unto death. They would lie, cheat, steal, curse you out, talk about your family and call you all kinds of names and think nothing of it. They are full of HELL and don’t think they are free. I know too, because I’m married to a Lazy Ass Man and thinks he is fine as wine and don’t have a pot to pee in. I work hard everyday and tire of his silly, clowning, joking and thinks stuff is funny. Haven’t worked since 2008 just pure ole lazy. I’m ready to leave and move on. He is 64 yrs old and not thinking about getting a job. His day is surely coming quicker than he think. He is a dreamer, talker and not a doer at all. He too is a Narcissist individual. These type of people doesn’t want help and think nothing is wrong. It all adds up to be plain ole crazy and need to be locked up in a mental institution for life. They can’t function at all. I pray all the time to the Lord for HIS wisdom on to how, when, and where to go. I can do good all by myself. He’s not helping only hindering me. This isn’t my life. God has so much more in store for me and I want what HE wants not what this man wants. He’s not going anywhere but down. LAZY PEOPLE DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT SELF! I’m glad I saw this blog and will be commenting more. God bless you for writing about the true of Lazy men. Keep writing this TRUTH for young women and I’m so thankful that I didn’t have daughters. I have two sons and I pray for them as well that they don’t get involved with lazy women. God bless you Kevin. Thank You

  19. Tom Reply

    There is a big difference between lazy and defeated and the author appears not to have the experience to disingenuous

  20. Marcie Reply

    My husband conveniently has some physical problem every fall.He can’t help with the outdoor clean up because he has a sore shoulder or a sore ankle or it is a back problem.There is always something.Although he sees that I am doing the work of two people he never thinks to hire someone to do his share.His behaviour is so predictable that it is almost laughable when it happens.

  21. Peter Mortensen Reply

    Omg my girlfriend and soon to be mother to my unborn child is all the above. Now i feel like an ass for not seeing this in her till now‍♂️. I feel like a house slave and she just let everything slide like a teenager. I hope i can find help here.

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