Part 2 of the Love Styles series (series overview). Start with Part 1: What Is Attachment Theory?
In Part 1 we split attachment into two big categories, secure and non-secure. Here’s a freeing shortcut before we ever get into the different flavors of non-secure attachment: the most useful question isn’t “am I anxious, avoidant, or disorganized?” It’s simply, “is the way I’m acting right now secure or non-secure?” Because the answer to every attachment question I get is the same, fixate on what a secure approach looks like, and move toward it. That’s why this episode matters most. Secure attachment is the target for everything else.
What secure attachment actually is
I define secure attachment as a relational state in which a person consistently experiences emotional safety inside their intimate relationships. A securely attached person believes they’re lovable, without an inflated ego, and importantly, they have a healthy love for themselves. So often in marriage we’re asking a spouse to love a person we ourselves don’t love. Secure people also believe others are generally trustworthy (not naively, they know some people aren’t safe), they can express needs without fear, they manage emotions without collapsing or exploding, and they can handle both intimacy and being alone. One quiet marker: secure people are drawn to other secure people, while a non-secure approach can actually be attracted to someone else’s lack of health.
The same health, across every relationship
Secure attachment shows up everywhere. In romance it looks like closeness without control, conflict that’s neither avoided nor escalated, and confidence that repair is always possible. In friendship it’s reciprocity and healthy boundaries, sharing openly without oversharing (that friend who overshares is usually running an anxious pattern). In parenting, the clearest sign is simple: the adult stays the adult. Non-secure parenting is when a parent starts mirroring the child, matching a tantrum with a tantrum, instead of modeling the regulation the child is supposed to learn. And at work, a secure person can take critique without personalizing it, because their identity isn’t riding on the job.
Sixteen marks of a secure relationship
In the book I lay out sixteen characteristics of a secure connection, not an exhaustive list, but a checklist you can hold up against your most important relationships: trust, respect, intimacy, exploration, emotional regulation, communication, empathy, flexibility, stability, resilience, healthy thirds, support, shared goals, conflict resolution, physical intimacy, and a positive outlook. A few are worth pulling out.
Communication is assertive rather than passive, passive-aggressive, or aggressive, you state clearly what you think and feel in a way that isn’t threatening, then leave room for the other person to respond. (This doesn’t mean you communicate perfectly. My wife runs an ad agency and I write and speak for a living, and we still miscommunicate constantly, we just laugh about it.)
Healthy thirds means outside relationships strengthen your marriage instead of threatening it. One of the most overlooked roots of adultery is a non-secure attachment style that quietly develops “unhealthy thirds” over a lifetime.
Conflict resolution rests on a line my wife and I repeat to each other: “I don’t have to understand you to believe you.” I can take her perspective as true even when I can’t see the world her way.
The “will you hold me?” test
One vulnerable marker of growing security, especially for men, is the ability to ask your spouse, “will you hold me?” Not sexually, but as a way of saying, “I’m tired, I’m frustrated, I just need contact right now.” It takes real courage to admit you need reassurance, and being able to ask it is a sign that the trust and respect are truly there.
Secure attachment and shame
Here’s the deepest difference. An anxious approach whispers “I’m too much.” An avoidant approach whispers “I’m not enough.” A disorganized one fears “I’ll be left, controlled, or exposed.” A secure approach carries none of those. Instead it says: I made a mistake, but I’m not a mistake. I feel awkward, but I’m still worthy of love. I failed, but I’m not a failure. That’s a healthy picture of being a flawed person who is still deeply loved.
So before you rush to diagnose your non-secure pattern, get this picture of health clear in your mind first. Take the sixteen marks (there’s one per page in Love Styles) and simply ask, “is this true of my most important relationships?” If not, that’s your goal. And you can get there, because how you’ll love in the future is determined by how you choose to love today. You can also name where you stand with the free Love Styles assessment.
Next in the series: the three non-secure styles, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, and how to recognize them in yourself. Understanding your love style goes a long way toward changing the odds.