Five months ago I walked into a small office and after a few seconds of chit-chat heard the question I’ve asked hundreds of times, “So what’s going on?”
While I’ve never hesitated to get emotional help over the last two decades from friends and co-workers, it was my first time to sit with a stranger and discuss what is going on in my life.
From My Office to His
The journey to the counselor’s office began several months earlier. For the fifth time over the past decade I had a minor medical issue which could partially be explained by stress. This time it was a near daily nauseousness.
While there was a physical component which needed to be treated, the symptoms were also an aspect of anxiety. (See: I’m Tired of Being Nice)
It was a sign I was not handling stress properly.
While a scientist would want to identify the exact action which solved the problem, I’m not a scientist. My theory is to throw the kitchen sink at an issue. So I:
- allowed my doctor to run some tests to rule out more serious issues
- took some minor medications to deal with the physical aspects of the problem
- changed what I ate of a morning to get more calories at the beginning of the day
- upped the amount of exercise I got each week
- lost weight
- took actions to get better sleep at night
- did some organizational restructuring at work
And I sought professional counseling.
Some Professions Should Require Counseling
Every person will experience multiple seasons in life when they would be aided by counseling. Most major transitions–death of a loved one, empty nest, job loss, etc–could be better experienced with help.
Some professions have unique stressors which make counseling more necessary for its practitioners. First responders, helping professions, and military personnel likely need more emotional assistance than others. (See: You Hurt My Feelings)
The pastorate would fall into that category. Since graduate school, I always knew I would seek counseling at the first signs of burnout. So there was no hesitation to make an appointment when I found myself saying, “I’m tired of hurting.”
I Found Counseling Enjoyable
While the idea of counseling frightens some, I found it fun. I regularly point out to others things which are obvious to those around them, but blind to them personally. I found it fascinating to be on the receiving end of this information.
During one visit, my counselor pointed out the obvious: “I’m the only person in your life that you have absolutely no responsibility to help.” I knew his statement to be true, but I needed reminded. As I sat for counseling, I kept trying to assist my counselor. I didn’t even recognize what I was doing. After years in the pastorate, it is just how my mind works. Yet as soon as he said it, I realized I was trying to help the one I was paying to help me.
Five Lessons I Learned from Counseling
During the counseling process, I learned many things. Here are five concepts which were made clear:
- Whether we know it or not, life is taking a toll on us.
- While we might be able to cope on our own, there is no reason to try.
- Never underestimate the value of someone validating what you are feeling.
- You are not the exception. If everyone needs help, that includes you.
- Emotional health is continually developed.
There are many other personal lessons, but these are some of the general truths which apply to everyone.
Why Am I Telling You This?
Not a week goes by in which I don’t encourage someone to get counseling–a marriage that is struggling, a teenage girl trying to figure out life, a man going through a difficult time at work–in these situations and a thousand others, I tell someone to call a counselor and work through their issues.
I do so because it works. The success rate isn’t 100%, but it is amazing the effectiveness when a willing client is paired with a good professional. (See: 13 Questions to Gauge If You Need Marital Counseling)
So if you are facing a situation and struggling to get through it on your own, find a counselor. If you live near me, hit the contact button and I can refer you to a friend.
Thanks for your candor. You have helped people today just by admitting that even strong people need a tune-up now and again to remain healthy.
Thank you Ida.
Thank you for sharing your own personal story. I have found that seeking counseling isn’t as “off the wall” as it once was years ago. In years past, if you took anti-depressants or went to counseling, you were labeled “crazy”. I have always been one to share my experiences with both anti-depressants and counseling. I have helped a few people along the way – to overcome the stigma and seek the help they need.
I am a type 1 diabetic – since I was ten. Been 31 years now. When people talk about anti-depressants like they are for “crazy” people, I politely let them know that I have taken them for over a decade now. I liken it to insulin. My body does not produce insulin. I have to take it daily, multiple times or I would die. So, if my brain or nervous system needs some seratonin or counseling, I also provide my body with what it needs. That usually makes them think twice.
I have to say, I am in counseling right now – a specific type called EMDR. I was diagnosed with PTSD over two years ago after a physical fall and subsequent surgeries left me exhausted… more than usual, in pain, and broken. It was as if all types of events from my life were popping up… causing me extreme anxiety. Anxiety attacks became the norm of the day – multiple times even.
I was told that through all the events (aka traumas) in my life, I had just enough energy to “keep them below the surface” but when I fell, had multiple surgeries, etc. I didn’t have any energy to devote to hiding the pain.
So, I began counseling. Something I am told over and over is that I have to take care of my needs FIRST – or I won’t be around to take care of others, like my son. I have always been a giver, a doer, the one to help everyone, the girl in school people came to for counsel, etc. I had a strong Biblical upbringing, and as part of that, I always felt it was Selfish to put myself or my needs First. God came first. Then family. There was never any room for thinking about myself, my health – what I want or needed.
As a 42 yr old woman, divorced, with a teenage son – struggling with multiple chronic health conditions, I am realizing for the first time, thanks to counseling, that I NEED to take care of / put my needs first. I need to love myself in order to fill the well and love and help others. I can’t give from an empty place. (which is what I have done for so long) My identity and value were based on what I could do for others.
When you physically crash and can’t help others, you feel you have no value. Devastation happens.
i am trying to apply what I am told:
1) Don’t be afraid to put my needs first – self love
2) Don’t feel guilty that I cannot be there in same capacity for others, right now
3) Be open to accepting help, ask for help. ***** This by far is the hardest thing for me*******
4) Live in the now – appreciate all the smal lthings and be grateful for all of it
So, thank you for sharing part of yourself – your human self with all of us.
May others also share and seek help – it’s not weak, rather a strength to realize when we cannot do it alone.
Thanks for this! I also found counseling helpful and enjoyable. Knowing I was safe to share things that I couldn’t say to anyone else, was such a gift.