Apr 192016 21 Responses

7 Things Never to Say to Your Husband

The stereotype is of the insensitive husband saying stupid things to his wife. It’s a fair stereotype because it happens on a regular basis. However, saying inappropriate things is a two-way street. Women can also say things that are hurtful or destructive.

While I’ve already written 7 Things Never to Say to Your Wife, here is the companion piece. Avoid these and your marriage will be better because of it.

Here are seven things never to say to your husband:

1. If you really loved me, I wouldn’t have to tell you. Maybe your husband should know what he shouldn’t have done or what he did do. Maybe he should have learned enough by now to understand why you are upset. But he doesn’t, so you need to tell him. The only way for him to ever understand you is for you to regularly communicate how you feel. Assuming he should know is not productive. Making him play the guessing game drives you away from a healthy relationship and not to it. Be kind. Be clear. And tell him what is wrong. (See: It’s Not My Job to Read Your Mind)

2. You’re a pervert. I regularly get the question from wives, “Is my husband a pervert?” When they tell me why they fear he might be, I often respond, “Nope. He’s just a man.” For women who grew up in ultra-conservative homes where sex was seen as shameful, some common desires from men are viewed as signs of perversion by their wives. Having a normal sex drive defined as perversion is damaging. Of course, some men do ask for perverted acts by their wives and those acts should be rejected, but don’t define his whole heart because of one aspect. It’s fair to call an act for what it is. If he asks for something God clearly calls off limits (ex. adding another person to the marital act), call the act what it is–“No, that is perversion.” Call out the act, but not the person. (See: What Your Husband Wants from You in Bed)

3. I’m fine. Don’t say it if it’s not true. If you truly are fine, then feel free to tell him so. However, if you aren’t fine, don’t lie to him. Lies never help marriage. Tell him the truth. Understand why you feel the way you do and what he may or may not have done to contribute to that feeling. Own your feelings and clearly communicate them to him. Until you do, don’t expect him to know what is going on.

4. I’m fat. Maybe you are. Clearly you feel like it. But what do you want your husband to say in response? Are you searching for a compliment? Then tell him you don’t feel confident and need help. Are you trying to divert his attention from sex? Then tell him you aren’t in the mood, but tell him a specific time and place of when you will have sex. Explore the real issue and discuss that. Don’t downplay your looks and watch your husband struggle to figure out how to respond.

5. Don’t be a whimp. Never hint, joke, or intentionally attack your husband’s masculinity. Speak into who he is as a man, don’t question it. Any time a wife questions the manhood of her husband, it drives him away from her. It may not feel like a major issue for a wife, it might even feel playful, but the damage can be significant. (See: This is the Kind of Husband I Want to Be)

6. You’re just like your dad (or, you’re not like my dad.) Never contrast your husband against another man in a negative way. If you want to compliment your husband, it is far better to compare him to a man you respect. Saying, “I love how you listen to me like your dad listens to your mom” or “I love how you sing to the kids the way my dad sang to me” are great compliments. However, you should never negatively contrast your husband with another man, especially your dad or his dad. It just doesn’t help. Use family to compliment, not to critique.

7. Do you find her attractive? Maybe this is acceptable with someone you don’t know (i.e. someone in a movie), but don’t test him with your friend, sister, or co-worker. It’s a no win. Every husband should have men in his life to whom he is accountable regarding boundaries with other women, but he needs space to be honest. When a wife asks this question, it can feel like a game of gotcha–you’re wrong whether you lie or tell the truth.

Wives: What have you said which you later regretted?

Husbands: What should be number 8?

21 Responses to 7 Things Never to Say to Your Husband
  1. […] Marriage doesn’t make it any easier. While committing our lives to one another should give us ... kevinathompson.com/never-say-this-to-your-wife
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