Jan 222014 9 Responses

Spicing Up Married Sex by Learning from the Adulterer

I’ve only heard it a few times—”the sex was bad.”

It’s clearly the exception and not the rule. In nearly every case, the sex in an affair is great.

Nothing else is great:

  • The lies
  • The guilt
  • The broken relationships
  • The ruined reputation

Yet, the sex is great.

And how can it not be?

It’s secretive, new, and adventurous.

Affairs are bad even though the sex is often great.

But great sex is not saved for adultery. (See: This is Only for Women, Men Shouldn’t Read)

Ironically, many of the things which make adulterous sex great can be used to make married sex great.

While the temporary thrill of doing something we shouldn’t be doing can’t be copied, several of the practical aspects of an affair can be utilized by a married couple: (Men, before asking your wives to consider this post, you need to read: I Wouldn’t Sleep With You Either)

1. Change in location. Most affairs do not take place in the home. While everyone has heard the story of one spouse catching the other spouse in their bedroom with another person, most affairs find a different location. Hotels, cars, apartments, and a myriad of other places are used. Just a change in location can make the experience better. While a married couple should never risk illegal activity (i.e. don’t try to have sex in a public park) they can make an effort to have sex somewhere other than their bedroom. When was the last time you had sex somewhere other than your bedroom?

2. Day-time sex. Most married couples get in a rut of having sex in the same place and at the same time. Generally, it is the last thing of the day or the first thing of the morning. Many affairs do not allow for this since one or both parties are at home with their families. This forces the rendezvous to take place at other times and a change in time can make things more interesting. It also often involves “the quickie” which is an important part of any sexual relationship (see Three Types of Sex Every Married Couple Should Have). When was the last time you called your spouse for a lunch date at home?

3. Flirting. Probably the most overlooked, yet effective tool a married couple can use to spice up their sex life is flirting. Imagine how you would communicate if you were having an affair with someone—text messages, voicemail, emails, secret touch, long gazes—do that with your spouse. Part of this communication should be about anticipating the next encounter. When was the last time you whispered in your spouse’s ear while in a crowded room?

4. Different positions. I’m not sure why having an affair causes people to try things they normally wouldn’t try, but I’ve sat through a number of uncomfortable conversations and heard one spouse say to another, “But you would never try that with me.” Here is a definition of a sexual rut: having sex the same time, the same place, the same way nearly every time. If you are in a rut, change it up. Try something new. It might not be enjoyable, but it will communicate to your spouse you are willing to try. When was the last time you tried something new or revisited something from the past?

5. Initiative. An interesting thing often happens in an affair–a passive spouse often becomes an aggressive lover. While in the married relationship, she may never initiate sex; in the new relationship, she will often do so. While in the married relationship, he may never be romantic; in the new relationship, he is constantly coming up with new ideas. Showing this initiative at home will often help prevent the need for you to show it elsewhere. When was the last time you went out of your way to initiate something with your spouse?

Sex in an affair may be good, but it’s not the best. The best sex happens in the midst of a committed, loving relationship over the course of a lifetime. However, this relationship takes work to maintain and whenever we find ourselves in a rut we need to do something about it.

There are not many things a married couple would ever want to emulate from those having an affair. It’s a horrible decision with disastrous consequences. (See: Pastoral Advice for Single Women) However, there are some things which married couples should be doing but many are not. By putting more energy into our married relationship, we can often prevent the desire for any other relationship.

9 Responses to Spicing Up Married Sex by Learning from the Adulterer
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  5. Natasha Reply

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  6. Stupid Reply

    “Sex in an affair may be good, but it’s not the best”. You can say that again. I had an affair. I had great sex at home, I fell for an online ex co-worker. It lasted a long time and he made me feel so hot. We only had sex three times. Excited? You bet. Big handsome stud. Sex? Awful. No forplay, erectile problems. He played with himself more than we had sex. No orgasms for ether one of us. He freaking sucked. But he was a good bullshitter. I fell for it. Yes I’m stupid. But when I hear all the “great affair sex” stories I laugh. Sex with my husband is so much better. He’s not a bullshitter and he knows how to rock my boat. My affair partner bragged about how good he was. The texting was exciting, going to his room was exciting, the sex was horrible. And he bragged about it afterwards. He thought he was so good. Yes I was stupid. But I’m hear to say sex with a good husband can’t be beat.

  7. Al Reply

    If affair sex is the best…awesome and mind blowing…why would you want your spouse back after that? So you could live with mind movies, low self esteem, and bad memories of how your spouse rejected you and your marrage for mind blowing sex? You really want that in your head for ever? They come back sobbing when caught but they had their fun. And you were not part of it and never will even come close. They laugh about it to friends and on affair forums. “Oh it’s so great!” “Best sex of my life”….you want to live with those memories? And the few that say it’s bad…well….you really believe them? You think they are gonna say it was so much better than you to your face and then expect you to take them back? Get real….cut and run.

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