Aug 262013 34 Responses

My Best Advice for Single Women

Single women, listen: don’t sleep with him until he is willing to die for you.

Seriously.

I’m not being overly-dramatic.

I’m not being legalistic.

I’m not being prudish.

Do not sleep with him until he is willing to make a life-altering commitment to you, promising to God, your family and to you that he will love you, protect you, honor you, and be willing to give his life for you.

Until then, do not have sex with him. (See: Dating to Break Up–a Unique Perspective)

God knows what he is talking about. He saved sex for marriage for a reason.

Sex is one of the great bonds between a husband and wife.

To take it outside of its intended context is to invite a plethora of negative consequences into our lives.

One of those consequences is a society where girls become women, but boys never grow up.

There is an epidemic of boys failing to mature into manhood. They are selfish, egotistical, and unwilling to take personal responsibility. John Piper tells a great example in his article Can You Define the Relationship.

Make no mistake: men are responsible for their actions. Single women are not to blame for boys failing to become men.

However, women must ask themselves, “What do we do in this culture in which many boys refuse to become men?”

One answer: refuse to sleep with them until they are willing to die for you.

It’s not the only answer. It’s not a perfect answer. Yet it is a practical step in response to the current problem.

Imagine how different the world would be if the only way a smart, attractive, intelligent women would have sex with a man was if he was willing to play the true role of a man.

What if women said, “I don’t sleep with boys?”

  • If you want me, get a job.
  • If you want me, move out of your parents house.
  • If you want me, date me for at least a year so I can see you in every aspect of life.
  • If you want me, be a spiritual leader.
  • If you want me, use your God given strength to help others.
  • If you want me, stop looking at other women.
  • If you want me, stop flirting with other women.
  • If you want me, prepare yourself to be financially stable.
  • If you want me, make me your top priority after God.

Instead, many women make it a habit of sleeping with boys while assuming they can change boys into men. Boys to men is a singing group; it is not the job description of women.

On a monthly basis, I speak with women who ask me, “Why won’t he marry me?” In nearly every situation, I respond, “Why should he? He has all of the privileges of marriage without any of the expectations.” (See: Don’t Blame God When You Break Up with Your Boyfriend)

You can’t play house with a man and then be surprised when he is unwilling to do more than just “play” the role of a husband or father.

Now again: men are responsible for their own actions. This is no excuse for what men are failing to do. This isn’t the fault of women, but it should change how women live in this culture.

On a regular basis I stand with a couple before a crowd of people as they commit their earthly lives solely to one another. Women, until that commitment is made, don’t sleep with him.

And for all the married women who agree with this, who have someone who has committed his life for you, and who married a real man—do sleep with him, often.

 

34 Responses to My Best Advice for Single Women
  1. Caleb Reply

    Great blog as usual. Kevin, are you saying a women shouldn’t date a guy until he moves out of his parent’s place or she shouldn’t marry him? Or are you saying something else related to those ideas.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Marry. I would say before they marry there needs to be a plan and an ability to sustain life on their own.

  2. Jessica Reply

    Many of my friends and family have shared your blog on facebook, and every time something rubs me wrong about it. For one, although I am surrounded by Christians and am one myself, I know of very few women from my grandmothers’ generation to my own who did not slept with their husband before the wedding. What has changed is the secrecy of this act and then the resulting high divorce rate because many marriages were born out of guilt for having slept together or because a child was conceived. Obviously, the high divorce rate does not apply to my grandmothers’ generation, which, in my opinion, is because those women did not have the economic opportunity to leave an unhappy marriage. Secondly, although you repeat that men are responsible for their own actions, your blog is in fact ironically putting the onerous on women to “change” them. I agree that there are few Christian men these days, and it is a problem we all must address, but more of an emphasis should be put on the parenting of those boys than on a behavioral act of Christian women that hasn’t changed all that much over time.

    Also, are you saying that sex is what turns a girl into a woman by stating, “sex is one of the great bonds between a husband and wife. To take it outside of its intended context is to invite a plethora of negative consequences into our lives. One of those consequences is a society where girls become women, but boys never grow up”? I don’t know you, but I am sure that is not what you intended to say. However, this type of messaging coming from people of your position can be very harmful in achieving what you are preaching.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Jessica,

      Thanks for the comments.

      No, I’m not saying that sex makes a girl a woman. I do think the occurrence of sex outside of the normal responsibilities of manhood does play a role in boys not becoming men.

      I completely agree a larger emphasis needs to be placed on the parenting of boys. I think one of the greatest problems with our society is absent (or apathetic) fathers. My argument is that one reason this is the case is because we have separated sex from fatherhood.

      It’s important to note this post was born out of over a decade of talking to men, women, and couples as well as doing an untold number of weddings during that time.

      I can assure you, the couples who have waited until marriage (and I always assume they haven’t until I am told otherwise) have a much higher rate of marital satisfaction. As a matter of fact, it is striking to me the difference. Whether this is causation or correlation can be fairly debated.

      I know it is hard to understand someone’s heart over a blog or Facebook. Please know my desire is to help women, not to blame them. On a near weekly basis, I tell women, “You deserve to be married to a man, but you are married to a boy.” It is a sad state. I hope my article encourages women. I’m sorry if it did not do that for you.
      Kevin

    • Gen Reply

      A boy who doesn’t have to buy the cow but gets gets the milk for free are the boys that he is addressing. Why bother becoming a man for a women that will easily give it up

  3. Jlynn Reply

    Kevin,
    Great post. Love it. Question, in above comment.. . You just stated how you often tell women they are married to a boy.. But you also said for women to wait until the man commits to them in marriage.. Saying that makes him a man?.. So are you saying that if a woman had sex with a guy.. Then he marries her.. He’s still stuck in boyhood, even though he chose to commit to her?

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      No, I’m not saying that. I would judge his manhood by his actions. We all make mistakes. We all do immature things.

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  9. heartbroken Reply

    I really liked what you said….I married a boy and yes I thought he would change….He lied to me about being with me until death do us apart and now I am regreting it so bad….This guy married me and then left me and now he hates me….he won`t even look for help….I used to blame myself, but now I know that he is still a boy…btw I really like your blog…

  10. Bekah Reply

    And for those single women who are mature in their faith, mature in their understanding of relationships, and have no wish to use their desirability (I’m not even talking about sex in itself) as a carrot to motivate a guy to grow up?

    And for those single women who are not ashamed of their own sex drives, who practice the difficult work of celibacy, but grow weary of the pervasive notion that sex is a stronger motivator for men than for women?

    And for those single women who fear, in part because of articles like this, that all men are like the boy-men they keep meeting (and would never go on a second date with, let alone have sex with, because they respect themselves too much)?

    …I say to those women – hang in there. It is hard. You are my heroes. There is no formula for finding a real man who can be a real friend and a real lover, and then even if/when you do find him and marry him, it isn’t necessarily easy to navigate learning to depend on each other without manipulating each other.

    And for those single gals who DO need the advice given here, but also should be gently reminded that they are responsible for their own growing-up which still needs to happen?

    …I say to you gals – hang in there. It is hard. But you can do it. Find friends who live the way you want to live, who will tell you soul-filling truth when others tell you lies, who will help you understand how much you are worth as a person and help you walk your way into being the kind of woman you want to be. But grow up for your own sake, because you want to be fully who God made you to be, and not because it’s the way to get a manly man.

    And I am praying the peace of Christ for all of you girls, gals, and women.

  11. Fredrik Reply

    I would argue that is what women who changed first and that on the whole men have just recently started to adapt. Why would men marry with fickle women and no-fault divorce. Society encourages bad behaviour and a lack of morals. Men are always responsible for their actions and still are, all the single mothers don’t pay for themselves. But don’t have sex unless your prepared to be a parent and children needs both a mom and a dad.

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  17. Aloise Reply

    Right on.

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  21. Howard Reply

    In some parts of the country the “move out of your parents’ house” may be problematic. There are plenty of countries around the world, Italy being the most affluent of them, where the bride or groom is welcomed into the multi generational McMansion of his or her inlaws. And the mother in law, in these countries, turns out to be the real head. You are lucky, living in Northwest Arkansas or wherever the hell you live, but in America’s coastal metropoleis the price of housing is so far ahead of the salaries of young folks that I fear we shall be moving, in these coastal cities, to the Italian model I have described.

  22. Kathleen Reply

    I divorced and he remarried quickly to my best friend. Then he passed away. 20 yrs later (I’m 60 now) I am dating three men and am at a loss to know which one to date exclusively. During those past 20 years I’ve had long engagements twice and saw red flags and broke each of them off. Now the three I have been dating for the past year-and I’m lucky because none live in same town as I do so I don’t get a date but a couple times a month. it is hard for me to choose just one, because all three say they love me and are talking marriage-like minded things. All 3 bring different qualities to the table. I appreciate reading your material to help me find answers. I been waiting on God to help me and for Him to choose the right one. I just know it is hard for me to care for my ailing parents and keep up the farmwork alone. My desire is for a helpmate, someone to grow older with and to enjoy the rest of my life with. And now that I have written all this I see I need to make myself a chart of each one and list my desires and do a comparison, but of course I will pray continuously as I don’t want anymore mistakes.

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  27. L Smith Reply

    Why do women rush into sex? I understand the biology behind why men do. but why would a woman?

    When I was a young “stud,” I worked hard to have sex with a woman as soon as possible after meeting her, and then, after a few times with her, I started to look for the next one; I often only had sex with a woman once, then I was gone.

    By the time I was thirty, I had had sex with more than five hundred women; my first was when I was fifteen; she was thirteen.

    So, I am not what most would consider to be “Hunk’ish” or “Beef-cake” material; I am just 5’6″ tall, and even today, I am not a macho man; I don’t have rippling physical qualities; my nose is too big for my face, though rhinoplasty four years ago, reduced its mass; it WAS very large; freakishly huge, and caused other medical issues, which was the cause of the surgery.

    I am not particularly well educated; I only completed part of an Associate degree program before dropping out of college. In fact, I have never been successful at any profession that I have pursued; there have been many… too many. I really had nothing going for me to make me a great catch. With all that being said, I shagged a lot of tail; a disturbing amount in fact.

    I have now been married for going on twenty years; I have N-E-V-E-R had sex with any woman other than her since we were married. Still, even married, women make passes at me; often in front of my wife, which use to bother her, but now she laughs at, especially when I turn and kiss my wife in front of the other woman as soon as it happens.

    Why do women offer sex so fast; why do they not seem to consider the reality of who, or what they are considering having sex with? I am amazed at the low thresh-hold a majority of women seem to have. My experiences cover women of all generational ranges, physical attributes, educational backgrounds, financial and social ranges as well.

    From the nineteen year old young woman that gives me my change back at lunch time, with a sultry smile, playful gaze, and a l-o-n-g and s-l-o-w release when handing back my change; the thirty-two year old woman in the office at my work, that goes out of her way to search me out every morning to say hello, despite the fact that, aside from working at the same company, we have no work interaction at all; to the older widows at the church we attend; I had to drop out of a volunteer group to avoid a woman that touched me constantly; it was inappropriate, and I hate confrontation, so it was easier to quit.

    In my opinion, women need to slow down, give a relation time to develop, and figure out who or what the creature is they are about to bed.

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