One of the problems with two of the three types of sex every married couple should have is that sometimes one spouse is not in the mood for sex.
Whether one spouse wants to be spontaneous or a romantic encounter has been on the calendar for a week, there are times when one person wants sex and the other does not.
These times can cause great frustration within a relationship. One can feel rejected, the other can feel pressured. Neither are the desired outcome. (See: What Your Husband Wants from You in Bed)
To help couples with this common frustration, I encourage implementing the 24–hour rule.
The 24–hour rule states: a spouse is free to turn down the initiation of sex by their spouse or to cancel planned sex for whatever reason they wish, but if they do so, they must initiate sex within 24 hours.
- Got a headache?
- Too tired?
- The house too messy?
- Is the game close?
- Just don’t feel like?
A person can turn down sex for whatever reason they wish, however, sex is important. It is a vital aspect of marriage. It is so important that if a spouse chooses to turn it down, they need a plan for the next encounter and they need to initiate the next encounter.
Consider the benefits of the 24–hour rule:
It frees us from pressure. Sex should not be the result of pressure or coercion. While a healthy sexual relationship demands discipline and all discipline means sometimes doing things we don’t feel like doing, when it comes to sex a person should always be free to say “no.” This gives such an opportunity.
It gives hope. How many spouses (especially men) have wondered to themselves or said out loud, “Are we ever going to have sex again?” The problem with being turned down for sex is rarely missing the event that night; it is far more about wondering when it is going to happen next. By communicating a time frame, it shows that one spouse is turning down sex for the moment, not forever. And it gives relief to the other spouse who knows sex will happen soon. (See: The Greatest Aspect of Sex)
It communicates expectations. One of the problems with being turned down for sex is it makes one less likely to initiate again. When a couple has gone some time without sex, they can get in a strange dance where no one knows what the other is thinking. This rule eliminates the confusion.
No rule can solve every problem and this rule will not be a quick fix to everything. However, it can help. The simplicity of it offers great freedom.
What is another rule which could help common frustrations regarding sex?
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I have shared this with many marrieds. What a wonderful solution to avoid confusion and misunderstandings!
Thank you Lisa.
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I’m married for three years now..and we have a 6 months baby..I feel this rule is not gonna work, because my husbend will not intate anything..he is occupied with work and his mom issues.. I hate myself everynight I wear something nice for him and expect something to happen, but nothing happens he just sleep like a baby!!! And forgets about me! We schudled one day per week yet he is not committed.. I put a lot of effort into the relationship, I am just tired ..I hate myself and I resent him slowly for not putting any effort.. I don’t want him physically anymore, but how can I not care and protect my feelings?
I would make an appointment with a counselor and go whether or not your husband is willing to go with you or not.
You say that “Sex should not be the result of pressure or coercion.” I agree. But, in some cases, this rule could still cause pressure on the part of the spouse who declines. It sets up a 24-hour countdown clock over their head. If they don’t initiate sex in the next 24 hours, their spouse will feel rejected. Thus, the following day, the declining spouse still feels pressure and may worry that they will cause their spouse to feel rejected, which I think your 24-hour rule is trying to avoid in the first place.
As a wife recovering from vaginismus, I have gone through several days, early in marriage, where receiving any kind of sexual contact made me anxious due to the pain. What should I have done then? Said “yes” to sexual intimacy even though I was feeling anxious two days in a row?
My husband was and is incredibly patient and gentle. Whenever I have had to totally shut down an intimate moment because of anxiety or pain, he didn’t pressure me to give him a handjob the next day to make up for it. That would have been very counterintuitive. Even when my vaginismus was at its worst, I still pursued him sexually and initiated intimacy, as far as I was able, but only because I felt complete freedom to say “no” or “please stop” to anything, anytime, as many times as I needed to. That has been a huge part of my healing. I would say, “Soon,” but we never put a timeframe on it.
What about when the problem that caused the spouse to decline is not resolved within 24 hours? What about people who are depressed, in mourning, having health issues, or in a stressful season? What if life simply gets in the way and, 24 hours later, both spouses are too exhausted and fall asleep? These scenarios, including vaginismus, are common and worth mentioning and honoring as being potentially outside the jurisdiction of this 24-hour concept. I would hope that the spouse who was declined, especially in the above situations, could have the compassion to not religiously stick to a hard-and-fast rule.