Sep 042013 95 Responses

If I Could Tell Wives One Thing

Wives: Spend the rest of your marriage trying to understand the importance of sex in the lives of men, especially your husbands.

You don’t get it.

You will never fully get it.

Even your husband can’t completely explain it.

Yet, God created him to view sex in a different way than you.

And he is not wrong for doing so.

He is not a pervert.

He might seek unbiblical ways to express his sexuality. He might have bought into counterfeit forms of proper sexual expression. He might do perverted things.

Yet his desire for sex and his need for sex is not perverted.

While perverts do exist, and while many men are expressing their sexuality in extremely unhealthy ways, primarily through and because of pornography, when healthy sexuality is called perversion, that in and of itself is perversion.

Men do not view sex the same way as women. There is nothing wrong with the differences. And one is not more holy than the other.

Far too many women enter into marriage understanding there are differences, but never make any effort to explore the differences, never seek to understand their spouse, and often stand in judgment of their spouse assuming the husband needs to become more like the wife.

This is wrong.

If I could only tell wives one thing in regards to marriage, it would be to continually grow in understanding the power of sex to the male mind, especially their husbands. (There are times in which men have a low sex drive. If you are in this type of relationship, read this–Gentlemen, Start Your Engines)

Here are a few thoughts:

1. Sex is so powerful, do not bring it into a relationship until marriage. As I often tell single women, do not sleep with a man until he is willing to die for you. When men engage in sex before marriage, they cannot think clearly enough to make the best decision regarding marriage. Sex is so powerful, it clouds the man’s ability to make a rational decision.

2. Men often feel intimacy through sex. While many women have sex as a result of intimacy, many men feel intimacy because of sex. Every time you hear your husband talk about sex, realize he is actually talking about intimacy. It may not be intimacy the way you think of it, but it is intimacy the way he thinks of it (and remember, neither viewpoint is better than the other).

3. When you reject sex, men feel like you are rejecting them. I’m not saying you are. I’m not saying this is right. But I am saying how it most often is. To reject sex feels impersonal to you, but feels very personal to a man. Yet you should still have a right to reject sex. This is one reason I created the 24-hour rule. It gives the wife the ability to reject sex, but gives the husband a set time frame within which sex will occur. “Not now” is given a time-frame. I’m yet to meet a man who dislikes the 24 hour rule.

4. When sex is not a priority for you, men feel like they are not a priority for you. It’s the same as number 3, but just as important. To the extent you make sex a priority, husbands will feel like you have made them a priority. On a regular basis, I meet women who claim their family is a top priority, but they have not sought to understand their husband’s view on sex. While they might think family is their top priority, their husbands will not feel like a top priority.

5. Because it’s important to me, it should be important to you. We do not have the right to tell our spouses what they can and cannot care about. Even if you don’t understand the sexual needs of your spouse, you still have to care about them. If they care about it, you should care about it.

6. You are your husband’s only proper sexual outlet. This should be his boundary and your encouragement. God created most men to greatly need sex. If God created men this way and allowed you to marry your husband, then he created you to be your husband’s only proper sexual outlet. This is a great pleasure and a great responsibility. While a man is fully responsible for his decision making, it helps to have a partner in the battle against temptation. Women, find out more in the post: This Is Only for Women.

Sex is not everything. It’s not even the most important thing. Yet it is a vital component to a healthy marriage. When a wife makes an intentional effort to understand her husband’s viewpoint of sex, he feels heard, understood, and desired. When she ignores it; he feels ignored.

There are a lot of things I want to tell wives regarding marriage, but if I hard to narrow it down to one thing, it would be this: spend the rest of your marriage trying to understand the importance of sex in the minds of men, especially your husbands.

Ok husbands and wives, what would you add to my list?

For further reading, check-out Kevin Leman’s book Sheet Music.

See: If I Could Tell Husbands One Thing

95 Responses to If I Could Tell Wives One Thing
  1. Beth Reply

    I do understand that God created our husbands to be very sexually active. Bur what can I do when I am faced with living with fibromyalgia. I live in constant pain, especially my hips . I want to have intimacy with my husband, but even when we cuddle, he’s expecting sex in the end. He doesn’t want me to hurt, but there’s not enough painkillers in the world to keep from it. Suggestions?

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      This is a wonderful question. It also illustrates the proverbial nature of this blog. What I say is generally true, but there are clearly situations that fall outside the norm. I would contact a marriage counselor and seek advice. If you live in the Fort Smith region, call me and I can refer you to one. It’s possible they could have several suggestions regarding this issue.
      Thank you for the question.

    • NotReallyMe Reply

      I know this is an old post but I’m commenting on it anyway!
      Beth, I kind of understand where your coming from. Even though I don’t have fibromyalgia as you do, I am familiar with it because my mom suffers from it. But I suffer from my own pains, herniated disk and arthritis that is pinching my sciatic nerve in my hips causing pain down my leg that gets so bad it brings me to the floor at times and I can’t walk on that leg at times. As well, my spine’s curvature is opposite of what it should be at my hips, moving up I guess there is a missing disk so that there’s bone on bone, a lot of arthritis for being only 43, I carry stress and tensions in my shoulders and my neck, and have a swollen disk between C5 and C6 and there’s a bone spur in the exact same spot that the disk is pushing on. So, I am in pain every day of my life, but I still like having sex and find that sometimes it can help take my mind of the intense pain. I also like to have “quickies” more often through out the day, but that’s opposite of the way my man has become. We were once on the same page but as we age he likes to make it last longer, (I think this is actually because it just takes longer for him to reach lease) so an hour of sex and trying to withstand the impact becomes quite painful and I’ve never been into pain during sex, but the pain turns me off, so that after 15 minutes I start to dry out and am no longer turned on. And at times lay there praying it ends soon and when it does finally end I feel like I’ve been hit by a Mac truck and am in more pain than what I was before having sex and my vagina is on fire that has required an ice pack! But, regardless of the pain, I still “give in” or uphold to my “duties”, but what makes it harder for me each time is that if its really bad, he just doesn’t accept no and the worse feeling in the world to experience with your husband is to try to pretend your enjoying yourself, while trying to hide the tears coming from your eyes!

  2. John Reply

    My marriage has disintegrated because of this very problem. I have been made to feel like a ‘sex maniac’ for wanting to have normal sexual relations with my wife of 13 years. The flame of passion burned bright when we first met. We had great sex early in our marriage, but as she aged my wife became asexual. The act soon became a chore for her that left me dissatisfied and filled with guilt. I have thought that this is just part of marriage and aging; that the fire dies to nothing but faint embers. More women should read this if they hope to keep their man. Sex is not a ‘tool’ to trap a man and then be set aside. I’m very relieved to see this article which eloquently states what I have felt inside and lived.

    • Sherry Reply

      Yes, John as people age and hormones lag sex can become a “chore” for both parties. I would encourage both men and women to seek hormone help. It takes a lot of searching, but there are doctors out there now who will help. It does become a “chore” and very painful for a woman to have sex when her vagina has shrunk and is all dried out. Why would you want to do something that HURTS not only during but for days after the act? Mix with that the erectile dysfunction that men start having and most people say ,”why bother”!! With correct hormone therapy you can enjoy great sex once more!!

    • NotReallyMe Reply

      Wow, John, at first I was feeling empathy for you, that was until I reach the part where you had to say “more women should read this if they hope to keep their man.” I’ve heard many men refer to their penis’ as “tools”, but I haven’t ever heard a vagina being called a “tool” created for the sole purpose of trapping men! If it’s a trap, you think that all men would know this and do what ever it takes to avoid it. Maybe they are catching on and more are choosing to be with other men instead? And in regards to the passion that burned so bright at the beginning, when you first met, came from the “newness”, excitement, anticipations, unknown, and attraction that is experienced at the start of a new relationship, (it is extremely powerful and can become addicting) but then once the woman “traps” a man, there’s no longer the need to go out hunting any more! So both women and men become lazy and because the man’s been he feels there’s no escape and women feel since they caught a man, there’s no longer a reason or need to impress the man, since it already worked! Women get comfortable and can let themselves go and men think they no longer have to impress their wives, because they already did this and it worked, they got them into bed! Even though it’s been 25 years since the day I met the man I would marry, I can still remember and experience those feelings at had for him back then and I soooooo long to have those feelings again. I think this is one of the main reasons that both men and women cheat, is to experience the passion and feel the heat once again! So, just like the fire you start in a fire place or in a pit at a park your camping at, if you don’t want to experience the “cold” or eat your food raw, you do what you have to, to keep the fire burning (cutting wood and gathering it, finding foliage, or buying more lighting fluid from the gas station) because keeping the fire burning is soooo much easier than having to restart it, if you’ve let the fire go out! Problem is, keeping a home warm or making sure there’s a cooked meal to eat becomes the woman’s “job” or “chore” and some men think that since it is, it is then also their “job”, “duty”, or chore to keep and make sure that the fire stays burning, but if there is no wood stocked up in a reserve eventually it will be gone, and the fire (will have no other option) than to burn out!!!!!!

    • Andre Theman Reply

      I’d like to cosign to this post wholeheartedly!

  3. Ed Garner Reply

    Failed to mention how women often use sex (or the withholding thereof) to get their way or what they want. This is not right, either! It makes men feel manipulated and cheap!

  4. Amy Henry Reply

    This stirs up the whole ‘chicken and egg’ thing. What comes first, a woman not wanting sex, or a man not wanting intimacy the way woman feels it? And who ‘gives in’ first to whom? Who’s responsibility is it to initiate?

    The answer is both, but if it’s the man who is wanting sex this badly, it only makes sense that he be the one to try to figure out what gets a woman ‘wanting’ it as well. Women are not turned on by a fatso sitting on the couch eating garlic popcorn. Women are not turned on by passivity of any shape, size, or form. Women are not turned on by guilt trips or pity parties.

    Sure, we can ‘give in’ or ‘do our duty’ but what man wants that? Gosh, guys, have you tried flirting with your wives? Catching their eye during a party? Watching her make dinner or love on the baby and commented on how beautiful she looked? Are you developed intellectually, are you interesting, are you alive and vibrant with ideas and energy? Because if you aren’t, no woman in the world is going to want to have sex with you. Woo, for heaven’s sake, before whining that she is asexual. I don’t buy that for a living second. If your wife is too bored with you to want sex, at least START with yourself. If she never responds, well, then you have a problem, Houston. But at least look at yourself and say, if I were her, would I want to have sex with me? And if the answer’s, no way, you’ve got some work to do. Light the fire, dudes or quit complaining that there’s no heat!

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Well said Amy. It kind of matches my post from last month:

    • Sherry Reply

      I would like to add to this Amy. How about having clean hands and a clean penis. Do you know how many infections a woman gets because of this? Men touch their penis to pee with dirty hands then without washing himself off wants to have sex with a woman???? My man will say before he starts touching me. I need to wash my hands or my hands/penis are clean. He knows these are the magic words that make me instantly ready!! This may seem like over kill, but if a man had to suffer through a bladder or yeast infection he would make sure he was clean!!

      • NotReallyMe Reply

        Omg, Sherry this is a great point! The problem I have a lot, is that my man is a foreman and works with and on Heavy Equipment, (skid loader, backhoe, excavator, and so on) and isn’t afraid to work and get dirty with the labors’ so when he comes home can be dirty from head to toe, his hands are dirty, calloused and stained black, his clothes are filthy and at times can never get totally clean, and he wears blue jeans and sometimes (mostly when its cold) his bibs or cover alls and you know damn well that even if it is cold outside he’s still sweat throughout the day and had to go to the bathroom and since men don’t wipe and their hands are dirty…….. I’m thinking you’d want to take a shower as soon as you got home, but because it’s so late when he gets home the first thing that he does is eat and after he eats he’s in the mood for some desert, immediately but doesn’t have a clue, why you don’t jump when he says “lets go do it” and that you drag your feet on getting you to the bedroom…….hmmmmm? I wonder, why it takes me so long??????

      • Ci Reply

        My husband has very poor hygiene & has stuck a toothbrush in his mouth once within three and a half years. Says he doesn’t need to use a toothbrush because he has dentures. Then he wants to be all over me when he’s dirty sweaty and stinky. I told him I don’t like that but his comment …. I’m your husband for god sakes that shouldn’t matter !!!! — well yes it does to me and he wonders why I don’t want to have sex with him

        • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

          That’s an issue he is going to need to work on. If it’s important to you, it should be important to him.

    • Jeanetta Reply

      spot on!! Great post!!

    • Walu Reply

      Typical judgmental woman with an attitude problem laying all the blame on “dudes”.

    • Sergio Reply

      Too much expectations.

  5. Sherry Reply

    Women experience sex as intimacy as well. To say there is a huge difference between men and women in this regard is not understanding that some men are good at making sex an intimate loving experience and some are not. My husband didnt know how things were supposed to work because he was raised in a very conservative christian private school and never had sex ed. Combine that with ED and PE and you have a very unfulfilling experience for the wife. Then because of pornography he thinks that alternate forms of sex…rather than the way God intended it…should be the answer rather than dealing with his inadequacies. I am sure my experience is not unusual. I had sex with my husband twice when he was asking for a divorce, hoping to spark intimacy. Eventhough we had a great experience, he still wanted me to move out. This is how some christian men are.

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  8. Angela Reply

    My marriage is the complete opposite of this. I feel like the man in the relationship! I would like to have sex every day, or at least every other day, but I am often turned down. I am out of ideas to fix it! I shower every day, I work out, I cook, I clean, and work a full-time job outside of our home. It really affects my self-esteem because I can’t figure out why he wouldn’t want to have sex with me. I would want to have sex with me!

  9. Angela Reply

    Thank you for your prompt response. I read the article and I think it is probably number 3. I’m also a little worried about number 4. Unfortunately, I have tried to discuss it many times and I’m not having much luck. We really need to see a counselor, but…well, let’s just say that I’m not the hold-up. I’ve been reading your blogs all day since a friend posted one. I have seen some things that I could change to make my life easier until/if I can convince him to see a therapist with me. Thanks for your writing, and I really appreciate reading about the healthy relationship you have with your wife. It gives me hope!

  10. Rebekah Reply

    How is it that men and women can be celibate and happy/fulfilled for decades prior to (or in between) marriages but then suddenly when a man gets married then regular sex becomes a critical priority?

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Rebekah, It’s an interesting question. While I think it is very possible to live a happy and productive life with celibacy, I do think the opportunity for appropriate sexual expression and in marriage the actuall command of God to nourish a healthy sexual relationship makes it a top priority.

    • Sam Reply

      After being married now 13 years here is my best reply from experience which I believe address’s this forthright. When I lived a celibate life all but two of my 28 years prior to marriage to be quite frank, I had singular focus not to have a sexual relationship to be fully engaged with Christ and His direction, His affection, His time, without considering the needs of another nor the intimacy, especially in that depth. Once you have created oneness with your spouse, you continually desire to remain that way, intimate, vulnerable, connected, but outside of physical oneness…well, lets just say something is missing which I believe is by intent. There is also an attraction…could be pheromones, could be just an attraction when you sleep next to your wife each night as well. I can say without doubt that I even have a difficult time sleeping and will find myself up until 2am or even avoid sleeping at the same time rather than deal with the frustration knowing she’s quite clueless and after multiple conversations even so blunt and polite the understanding resulting in change escapes. So, rather than create a stir, I’ll lay there until she’s asleep and fall asleep elsewhere just to evade what becomes a night awake waiting to sleep.Its just not worth losing another night of sleep which I can do nothing to remedy. You don’t have this sort of problem when you’re celibate for sure! Life is very different after marriage, 6 children, and a very busy life. For those believing its simply a shower, courting, a real kiss, time away, lack of connection outside of this aspect, weight gain, poor connection with Christ, wants beyond reasonable expectation I can clearly say….addressed. Sometimes the weight of the world is just an even greater match.

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  12. Feeling Lost Reply

    Sex feels like a chore to me. I can’t hug, watch television, or even kiss my husband without it HAVING to lead to sex. Then when I get mad and tell him no it makes me feel bad. I don’t know what to do. I can have sex with my husband all he wants but I’ll be getting nothing out of it. All I want is to be able to watch a movie or lay my head down on my husband’s chest and relax but I can’t. It has to lead to sex every single time. We’ve talked about it many times and nothing has changed yet.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      I would find a good marriage counselor to assist you both through this issue. Ideally, you could negotiate plenty of non-sexual touch in the same way I often help couples negotiate sexual touch.

    • NotReallyMe Reply

      I have to sadly say that I can relate to this, and we’re not the only ones!!! This is a real big problem between men and women in intimate relationships. It is one thing to understand how sex is for men, but it is just as much a man’s responsibility to understand what sex is to women as well. This is a very hot topic that has to be addressed and compromises made. It’s not a bad thing, if snuggling, cuddling, holding hands or kissing leads to sex, actually it’s all the better. But it shouldn’t have to, every single time! Flirting, touching and teasing throughout the time you are able to spend together helps ignite the passion and start the fire! But when it becomes predictable that any intimacy outside of sex, is done only to have sex or the ever popular view of men that if they get turned on, that something HAS TO BE DONE (with it) because it’s the last time they will ever in their lives get turned on again! Please, I promise and guarantee, unless there is a medical condition, you CAN and WILL get turned on again!!! So, being the wife, with the responsibility, you give in, at first to please your man, but when its this way day after day, month after month….they it becomes a chore and usually has a woman, we already have a lot of “chores” that we really don’t need any more!

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  14. Sherri Reply

    I’m not even married yet, but I have two kids by my fiancé. We’ve been together for 5 years. I totally agree with you how sex is so powerful and that it shouldn’t be shared until marriage. I no longer anticipate getting married because I feel like I don’t have anything left to give. Sex has become a chore to me now. I feel like I have made the ultimate mistake by putting so much into this relationship. I want a relationship God will honor.

  15. Bob Reply

    “New research is demonstrating what many people already knew from experience: Women lose interest in sex over time, while men don’t. The finding has the potential to help couples, the researchers said. Knowing that many women’s sexual desire diminishes over the course of a relationship could encourage both partners to be more realistic about their sex lives, and could help them weather the changes in desire as they occur.”

  16. Joy Reply

    I’m a wife, and I do get. I really get it. I get it because I am the one being rejected. Have I been cold to my husband and caused him to feel so hurt that he doesn’t want to initiate? No–I always say yes. I am, in fact, a warm wife. This “you were cold and ruined him” argument is so common and so off the mark for me that it acts as another punch to the gut. When you do all the asking and your husband is too tired/ate too much pizza/watches TV into the night instead of wanting a physical relationship it impacts a woman’s self esteem profoundly. Being sexually rejected is not some sort of pain unique to men. Evidently more and more women are complaining of rejection lately. I think it’s not really that more women are experiencing it, it’s just that they are more willing to get out from under the weight of shame we carry for being so “weird” and speak up. Maybe what these cold women need to hear is that there are plenty of women out there ready to go, so they need to step it up.

  17. Scarlett Languini Reply

    I am a woman but I am having this same problem with my male partner. It makes it twice as hard because it is always assumed that it is women that take this role and it’s the last thing you would ever expect from a man. I fail to comprehend how someone feels they have the right to trap you into monogamy and then refuse to have any kind of sexual relationship with you – and when I mean any it is in a literal sense – not diminished sex life zero sex life.

  18. Jen Reply

    What if you’re the wife… And your husband doesnt want sex? Everything listed here is me…. Its like roles are reversed. I cant be the only one….

  19. NotReallyMe Reply

    Kevin, I have really enjoyed your blog the past few days after finding it on I have found your writings interesting and pretty relative to agree with, until I came upon this one! For some reason this one has struck a nerve and is borderline to pissing me off! And I know it’s not all because of what you’ve said or how you said it but is because of of my own relationship and the circumstance/situation that I have found myself in. Guess I’m mad at myself for being in it……So, I’ll stop here and spare you my comment!

    • Chris Reply

      NotReallyMe, I have read many of your comments. Some I understand, some I don’t. However, my understanding is irrelevant. I realize you posted a few months ago, but if you happen back on this site, I want you to know someone has prayed for you and your marriage today.

  20. Frank Reply

    I understand completely!!!! I’ve been married for nearly 14 years. When my wife and, I were dating we made a pact that we would abstain from sex until married. This was not an easy task for me since I was not a virgin, and she was. I’d had sexual partners in the past, and I just needed to change my outlook on relationships. There were moments when sh wanted to give herself to me, but I resisted, and there were also times when I was getting to passionate, and she needed to resist. After 7 years of dating, and resisting the desire to tear each other clothes off we married. I was so excited, but then everything was not as I thought, we did pre-marital counseling, and one thing that stood out from the meeting was what our idea of sex. I think the issue is with what I see on a daily basis while at work; I’m referring to myself, and not to every other male in the world. I love women who are the following :

    A) Confident
    B) Assertive
    C) Attractive
    D) Loving
    E) Sexual (with her husband)
    F) Godly

    It seems that my wife treats sex like a chore, and not a desire. I told her that it’s ok for a man to desire his wife in a loving, intimate, romantic, and sexual manner. However it’s very upsetting when she no longer desire’s me in the same way. I understand that women will not always be available mentally, and physically at a moments notice, but if the only time your going to feel sexual towards your spouse is when I take you on a couples vacation, intimate dinner’s, surprising you with gift’s, and when the stars aligned just right, then this is not something I”m “NOT” happy about.

  21. Brenda Reply

    I have rejected my husband for years. We dated for 6 years and have been married for almost two. I didn’t realize how important sex was to a man and what rejection made him feel. He told me we didn’t have enough sex but I just thought it was for pleasure. I didn’t realize the pain I caused him. He told me he was not happy with me and that this is why. Since then I went to see a counselor and realized that I never felt pleasure from sex because of my association of pleasure with feeling dirty due to childhood abuse. I overcame that but my husband doesn’t know if he wants to work in the relationship. He doesn’t want to go through this again and nothing guarantees that I won’t change back. I reassured him that I won’t because I love him and know this is how he receives love. That we can talk of things aren’t how he wants and we can change to make each other happy. He still hasn’t given me a chance to prove this to him. What else can I do?

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Brenda, I’m not sure there is much more you can do. It sounds as though you have looked at yourself, recognized your own issues, and worked on them. I’m not sure what else can be hoped for or expected from you.

    • Chris Reply

      Brenda, I doubt many women understand how deeply it wounds a man to be turned down by his wife, even if they have read it and understand the words. I don’t know if you have a personal relationship with Christ, but He is the first one I would turn to. I would also encourage you to continue to reach out to your husband. It is likely that his heart will soften and the bitterness that he is likely holding onto will eventually begin to fade. If he is willing, Christ can give him a renewed excitement about your marriage. I hope you will be encouraged to know that statistics show that marriages that work through the tough obstacles are likely to become more satisfying and healthier than when things were easier before those obstacles appeared.

  22. steph Reply

    Im a woman and i feel the exact same when my partner regularly rejects me.
    Sometimes after a rejection he rolls over and falls asleep while i lay awake my heart pounding so hard it hurts. Tears streaming down my face i feel so many negative things all at once.
    Unworthy, not good enough, disgusting, jelousy of my girlfriends sex life stories, unsatisfied, frustrate, alone, angry and spiteful, hate anxiety.
    I understand compromise and ynderstanding is key. We cant get what we want all the time but its destroying my self esteem happiness and our relationship.
    I honestly need sex sometimes to bond us back romanticly. But he isnt interested.
    Makes me want to cheat to be honest but i know deep down i wouldnt enjoy it because in my heart id be wishing it was my partner loving my body and not anybody else.
    Im really at breaking point.

  23. Morgan Reply

    I would LOVE for my husband to want to touch me in any way, shape, or form. After an affair, he has yet to respond to anything I do. Blames it on me. Blames testosterone. Blames being tired. He hasn’t touched me in over 4 years. I’m ready to call it quits. He’s completely disobeying scripture.

  24. Maria Reply

    My husband rejected me sexually for years. I was a normal and healthy woman, LONGING for good sex, yet he put me down, told me I wad a nympho and a sick dirty wacko abd to go to q doctor to solve it. He hurt me every day with his rejection. I saw how much he loathed me in his eyes. Eventually I stopped asking for sex abf looking for his embrace, knowing he loved me in other ways but he simply despised me in bed. This made me lose a LOT of power, now I’m only good for working and I utterly despise my life. I don’t feel like a woman anymore, just a piece of trash.

    Well, now he wants HIS sex, but I can’t, it only hurts to be with him. It Hurst ad if he’s really raping me. It’s a horrible feeling. But he now wants that I “go back to normal”. He tells me he’s sorry, he didn’t mean these things he told me, he was depressed, he was a jerk… but I’m not recovering, it’s been two years but I just don’t recover any sexual attraction for him. I just can’t have sex with him, I just remember how much he despised me for having sexual desire for him, it doesn’t go out of my head. Now he threatens to leave mr because I’m damaged goods and he deserves better. I probably am. I don’t feel sexual attraction for any man anymore and honestly I really don’t wish to live. I’m drinking and crying as I write this. I know I would have made a wonderful and sexy wife for a man, a very good wife, but life thought otherwise for me. Life gave me a loser for a husband and made me a loser as well. I’ve been castrated by him, literally. He looks like a yihadist to my eyes. I just hope I die soon.

  25. Canlovethatslostbefound Reply

    I have sex with my husband almost everyday. I was happy for a while, after a cheating scandal two years ago. Now I have learned that he is trying to contact other women again for the past year. He has taken a liking to some of my family members and old friends in pictures ( if you catch my drift). As I confronted him to this devastating action, he feels distraught, ashamed, and embarrassed. I’m not sure if he is purposely ruining our marriage or has a lack of self control. What I don’t understand is why is he not satisfied with my constant love making. I feel disgusted although I don’t like to show it, because I assume it won’t resolve anything. Any tips to my problem? Or am I hopeless?

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      A few thoughts: The two of you need help to get through this. His issues have very little to do with you or your sex life. There is probably a cycle of addiction, shame, and guilt at play. He needs to learn how to cope properly and to deal with the real issues which he is trying to deal with through sex.

  26. Felicia Reply

    I’m the wife , and yet I feel like this article is saying how I feel ! My husband is the one who rejects me . Tells me “sex is a WANT not a NEED ! ”
    Yet it really is a need for a marriage ! It’s a fundamental part of marriage !
    I hate reading most of the comments from the article , I see a lot of woman or wives are the same as my husband . I guess we took on reverse roles . Sex is beyond just pleasurable, it’s bonding the outlet not just for a man or husband but a wife as well . We were made to be one and enjoy each other in a way no one else gets to. It brings the bond of love closer ! And it sure does feel personal when someone in a marriage is being rejected ! I love that idea of a 24 hr rule . But don’t think I can talk him into it .

    Good article !

    • Tw Reply

      I know how you feel. I am male 29 and my wife has cut me off completely. She will still give me hugs and kisses and even grab my butt at times but if I make the move for more she rejects me. I cant say everything has always been great. We have had our issues. Last July she said she wanted a divorce because I wasnt helping around the house enough. This was 6 months after my mother passed away from cancer. I have been doing my best to become better, helping more with daily chores and what not. I feel I have really improved as a person/husband. About 2 weeks ago I made the comment that I feel she treats her friends better than me because she will go out with them for a drink till 11 or later when she has to get up early for work but when she is with me needs to be in bed sleeping by 10. This started a huge fight and she went back to the divorce mindset she once had again saying i dont do enough. I’m the one that gets up with the kids every morning and put one on the bus for school and the other to daycare so I can go to work, I do all the dishes and help with laundry, making sure the Bill’s are paid on time and any maintenance around the house. I usually get home from work late so I only have a few hours before bed to get everything done. We get a long great, can joke and have fun and can talk about serious matters. I feel as if she holds sex from me as some form of punishment for telling her how I feel about certain issues. When i bring up the issues she belittles my feelings and always goes to the statement that all i want is sex, but it’s much more than that. Shes just not listening. After being rejected so often I have stopped trying for it. I come home do my chores, spend some time with my girls and go to bed. I have thought about stepping outside of the marriage for intimacy but the thought alone makes me feel dirty. I feel like I have jumped through hoops to change for us but she is going the opposite direction. I’m at the point where I dont even want her to touch me anymore but I have no idea how to tell her without starting a fight. I still love her very much but I’ve lost the drive to care to be intimate with her anymore. For fear of rejection I just cant bring myself to even try. In the fights we have had she is usually very hurtful with her words, this last time making a comment that we are only together for convenience but in the next breath tells me she loves me and acts as if everything is good. I feel like I die inside every day. I feel like my feelings, wants, needs, and dreams arent important. I dont want divorce but I’m starting to think it’s the only option. Things never used to be this way until after our first child I started noticing the difference. We had sex less (I was told it was painful after birth) till she wanted our second child then it seemed she wanted it all the time then after back to mostly being rejected. At this point I’ve checked out emotionally but am still bothered by it every day. I can go on for ages about this but I’ll end it here. I hope others have better luck than I in their relationship. I wouldnt wish these feelings on anyone.

  27. Lordhealmymarriage Reply

    How does a wife freely give her body to her husband, when she is living in an abusive marriage? Sex is very important to my husband, as you mentioned. However, he is not bonded with me. We have been married tor 40 years. Our first 32 years were awesome. However, “The last 9 years have been Hell”, to quote my husband. I find it hard to give me body to my husband when it does not feel like he really loves me.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      I would say she doesn’t. There is no way to give your body to someone you don’t trust and abuse destroys trust. I would say you need to seek counseling immediately.

  28. Fan Reply

    I think most people starts out great, then things change as time goes by. Men and women are faced with every day problems whether it be work issue, financial issue, under too much stress family problems and so on. People can get unhealthy under these circumstances. So it is very important to balance life, and form good living habits. This is important because only by taking care of ourselves first, can we care for our spouse. My wife and I started out great too, until she started college two years ago. English was a second language for her so it was even more difficult for her. She started taking 4 classes per semester and she really worn herself out quickly. Naturally, she doesn’t have the energy or the drive left for me when I get home after a day of work. often she doesn’t come home until very late. I started getting rejected for sex more and more, and boy I certainly felt the pain. I do the house work, cook the dinner and get the grocery every week, but in the end she did nothing to change after two years. I guess completing her education was more important than family and I think that’s a big issue with priority. We ended up damaging our relationship because of fights and argument over time. Right now she told me she would only take 2 classes next semester, but I had lost that trust in her and I too hope she realize what she was sacrificing is far more important than anything in the world. From this I hope to convey the message that family is always more important than anything else. Learn to balance life, take care of our own and take care of our spouse will form the basis of a happy family. When people get their priority wrong and hurt their family, nothing else will go well. Everything flourish on the basis of a successful family. No matter what happens out there, the feeling of knowing you got a warm home and spouse to go back to every day is priceless. I hope any new couples would understand this and do everything you can to hold on to that great feeling you started with and maintain it every single day.

  29. Red Reply

    My wife and I recently went through a conflict about her reading romance. For a long time I encouraged it because there was a fire in the bed room. I felt desired because we both talked about, initiated, and had amazing intimate sex. God reviled that it was something that needed to go and we had a very rough 3 months. We have since grown from it and she proudly admits that it was wrong and she loves me too much to read about other people. However, sin the last 5 months she has initiated sex twice. Rejected me multiple times and is convinced that nothing has changed. I feel very broken and, though we have talked about how it makes me feel and she has said she understands, nothing has changed. The risk is too great to try anymore. I no longer want to initiate anything. I feel like I am never going to be what she wants and everything and everyone will always take priority over me. I have pored affection out on her, I have taken her on elaborate dates, I have bent over backwards to show her how much I love her (not just to get sex but because I genuinely love her and I want her to see and feel that). Her response? Sexual intimacy is a chore or at best just getting off because she’s horny. She doesn’t pursue me like before the books and defenantly not like she did when she was reading the books. I just don’t know what to do but to give up. I will never leave her but my interest in intimacy is dying. I can’t say anything else to her that I haven’t already said. Once you KNOW how someone feels, making no effort is just not caring.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Red, have her check out Also @hotholyhumorous

  30. Lisa Reply

    Picture a Venn diagram. You know, two overlapping ovals. Men’s sexuality is the left oval. Women’s sexuality is the right oval. There is a space where they overlap. The overlap is small but the ovals are the same size.

    Our culture has taken make sexuality and defined it as sexuality. Period. So, that little part where men and women overlap has come to define women’s sexuality. And it’s small, much smaller than the man’s oval which is what our culture calls sex.

    Yet, in marriage, we should start with the overlap but grow outward into each other’s ovals.

    Unfortunately, many women have been taught their their oval isn’t sexuality so it’s repressed.

    Men, venture into your wife’s oval. It’s different than yours. You’ll be tempted to think it’s not a sexual oval because it’s different than yours. But venture there anyway.

    Men are not more sexual than women. Our culture denies that a woman’s sexuality is, indeed, sexual, unless she acts like a man.

  31. Adam Reply

    It’s funny, there are so many Christian marriage advice blogs that contend with this question. I’m not a believer but was raised in the church. From my perspective, these discussions often omit the elephant in the room: namely, the Christian church’s broad de facto stigmatization of sex for young adults and anyone who isn’t married.

    Please don’t bother quoting me the scripture concerning “fornication” and premarital sex (although, if you want a great tangent, someone really should address why Christians so uncritically accept the arbitrary teachings of the fallible human Paul on this and other topics. Simply certifying his every word as “divinely inspired” seems all too convenient). The Bible says what it says. Still, in a modern world unlike the Biblical one, where people no longer marry at puberty but wait until their mid 20s or 30s, the upshot is that you are asking them to spend a decade or more of their prime sexual maturity in self-imposed celibacy.

    What is natural for the prepubescent child takes a boatload of mental discipline and social conditioning for an adult. These decades of “sex is to be avoided” indoctrination shape the mind in ways that are hard to alter. So is it such a wonder that Christians (and particularly women) who “succeed” at this exercise in self-denial so often find themselves unable to turn on a dime when married and enjoy their sexual union with wild & joyous abandon now that the church sanctions it?

    I think that’s a highly unrealistic implicit expectation, one that lies at the root of many sexless Christian marriages. As ye sow, so shall ye reap! Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Abstention is an immediate and painful reality, while the promise of future marital bliss is merely a remote and insubstantial hypothetical figment. They don’t come close to balancing each other out, any more than the vision of a banquet 5 years away helps a famished person.

    And that Divine authority, first invoked to keep unmarried folks out of “trouble,” is so easily twisted around and re-framed after the wedding to keep a husband’s–or a wife’s!–unwelcome desires at bay. Witness the many letters here from spouses characterized as ungodly “perverts” and “sex maniacs” who have departed from the path of the righteous and therefore no longer merit sex in the eyes of their piously non-libidinous partners.

    This entire dynamic is what makes nonbelievers like me blanch at the idea of “having God in your marriage”: because so often, asserting “God’s will” becomes just a convenient way for one partner to pull rank and gang up on the other in an otherwise unwinnable argument.

  32. Lauren I Reply

    What I don’t understand is why husbands take it personally when you don’t feel like having sex when it’s not like their desire for you is really personal. Husbands are often checking out other women and fantasizing about women other than their wives. So really, the only reason he wants sex with her is because she is his only “proper outlet” and not because he wants her specifically. She’s just the only boobs and vagina around that he’s allowed access to. So if his desire for me isn’t uniquely personal to me, why should he take it personally if I don’t want sex with him? I just don’t understand men.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Lauren, thanks for the question. While I understand the original question, I do not agree with the premise around the question. I don’t know your situation so I can’t tell if you are reading your situation into every situation. I don’t think all husbands are often checking out other women. Good men put guards in their lives to help this. For a good man, it’s not that she is “just the only boobs and vagina around.” While men should work not to take it so personally when women refuse sex, many women can do well to understand men often view sex differently than women. He may not feel like you are rejecting sex; he might feel you are rejecting intimacy.

  33. Lauren I Reply


    Thank you for your response. I realize that maybe I wasn’t articulating myself too well. Maybe I can try to rephrase or get to the heart of what I’m trying to understand… I think what confuses me is…why is it that for husbands sex is supposedly all about intimacy but at the same time he can look at another woman that he doesn’t even know and feel the exact same desire for her? He can see a nude photo of a woman on the internet or a scantily clad woman on the street and feel the same desire for her that he has for his wife (though I do appreciate that good men may try to avoid this scenario), so how is sex about intimacy for him? Does that make sense? That’s why I don’t understand why they’d take rejection too hard because it doesn’t seem to matter who the woman is. My husband can want a strange woman just as much as he wants me. So when you say wives are their husband’s only outlets it just adds to the feeling that he just needs a female body for an outlet and she’s just the only one he’s allowed touch. Does that make sense?

  34. Rae Reply


    What happens when it’s the other way around? When I want sex more than my husband? I need to feel intimate and close and he doesn’t seem interested in anything except oral (getting off). I end up feeling rejected and undervalued to him and like a ‘sex maniac’. Help.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Serious conversations need to happen. If the overarching narrative of a couple’s sex life is about one person, it’s out of balance. Sex should be for the both of you. While one experience might be more for one than the other, both deserve to give and receive pleasure. The best step here would be to go to a good marriage counselor and work these things out.

  35. Bystander Reply

    Okay I’m sorry but this is absolutely disgusting and the most repulsive display of an opinion I have seen in my life. This post belittles sex in a way that I am astonished by the thought of anyone believing this. Woman are NOT responsible for the complete failure or success of sexual relations with in marriage. You make it seem that if a marriage is failing and a husband is not happy with the marriage it was because the wife was not good enough at providing for his sexual needs. Yes humans are sexual beings we were made to be but men are not the only ones who have sex drive and the woman should NEVER have to feel as if they are responsible for pleasing their husbands. If a woman’s sexual drive is caused because of intimacy then there should be intimacy in the relationship, you see there are two kinds of intimacy: sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is completely separate from sexual intimacy and while a male may be more focused on the sexual intimacy they should still put value on emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is so much more than sex will ever be, it is a connection between two souls a true understanding and love for your partner and it is a rare and pure thing when it is found. Marriages don’t fail because there isn’t enough sex and the woman isn’t providing that intimacy, they fail when the importance is drawn away for the emotional connection and the woman searches for that intimacy while the husband looks for the sexual intimacy to fill the whole because it is pleasurable for them. It is completely ignorant for you to believe that woman don’t crave sexual intimacy and that because of this supposed lack of sex drive its their responsibility to make sure they still hit the sack so that the husband will stick around and be happy in the relationship. Have you ever considered that rather both of them should be in equal pursuit of an emotionally intimate relationship so that the woman can have the same desire to be sexually intimate and therefore allowing both parties to be much more satisfied? You may think this is the most important thing for woman to know going into marriage, but I would say that the most important thing would have to be running as far and as fast away from your potential husband if he believes this. I am so enraged by this post its so very ignorant and conceited to view a relationship like this and I’m rather disappointed that you would put this out there and make woman feel as if the relationship depends almost solely on whether or not they have sex often enough with their husbands. I really don’t know how to put into words how upsetting it is to think you truly believe this. You will be in my prayers along with any woman or men who have been convinced that this is true. I hope you have a blessed day and a healthy prosperous future.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      I could be wrong, but you might be reading your experience or hurt into this article because I simply didn’t say most of what you claim I’m saying.

  36. svcet Reply

    I think that is one of the so much important info for me.
    And i’m happy reading your article. However wanna statement on some normal things, The site taste is perfect,
    the articles is in point of fact excellent :
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  37. Caroline Reply

    Well this is officially the creepiest, most manipulative, rapiest thing I’ve ever read in my life. Cheers.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Thanks for reading?

    • mcboogerballs Reply

      Caroline. Maybe the internet just isn’t for you. But I guess you like reading things you describe as such. Just don’t be upset when you realize your problems are actually real.

  38. Don Reply

    I have had a boring sexless marriage for 12 years. I try my very best to please my wife but she makes no effort to please me. I am a human and I do not plan to wait for her any longer. I will get a divorce and find a woman who better understand my sexual needs. That simple.

  39. Berrrringia Reply

    This is an extremely shitty, sexist and untrue article that is damaging to anyone who reads it. How dare you write such misleading garbage.

    • John doe Reply

      It’s sad but true. You don’t use it, you lose it.
      His desire for you, will DIE. He can’t help it, but you can.

  40. Joe Reply

    Re Point Number 6 ” You are your husband’s only proper sexual outlet.” So true! I do not wish to be unfaithful to my wife, but she has zero sexual desire. I never made a vow of chastity (only fidelity) but I feel she is now demanding that of me. I am so embarrassingly easy to please is that area, I honestly wonder if she loves me at all. Honestly, its less effort than making a cuppa or taking out the trash. SO Im now seriously considering getting castrated to be certain that I will remain faithful. Im curious to know you thoughts on that? I don’t think I need to tell her (it would take her months or years to find out).

  41. Jojo Reply

    As a wife , I too find myself continually have to remind my husband that I need him to put my emotional, sexual and mental health as much of a priority as I make his. I remind him that I love him, so I make sure he is fulfilled emotionally and intimately through Loving passionate sexual expressions, showing my love and desire to be close. Why cant he do the same? It’s jyst caring for the one you loves emotional well being and should be an automatic instinct, not something to be reminded of. I always must initiate and if I didn’t ( I’ve tested it) I have no idea how long it would be before he had enough desire to Perdue pleasuring each other because I always gave in to my strong desires and go down on him to get him to desire me. I could never hold out or go the distance when waiting for him to clearly be the one who needs it emotionally or physically. I even tell him I had stopped initiating and was waiting for him but that it was way too long for me to wait and it’s a little hurtful to always be the one inviting him to the party and he never inviting you over to his party. Maybe I just party too much and he is tired of my party

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      I would consider counseling. It might be a simple fix for the two of you or it could something more complicated. But this is too important to just ignore.

  42. Pam Reply

    Kevin, what about the reverse situation? I live with a man who was full speed ahead for the first few years of our relationship. And then….I don’t know. I didn’t gain weight, in fact, I’ve only gotten better, in lots of ways. I am 54, he is 47. I don’t think he is cheating, but he is a workaholic, and gets irate if I say, I desire some intimacy. He uses work as an excuse, and much more. Says I don’t understand. We hardly have any physical contact. Recently his dog passed away. I went to such lengths….comfort, handling things, being supportive. Then I attempted to hug him and he got cold, said, ‘THIS is not the time for that!’ Well, last year when my dog passed, within a week he was trying to comfort me with sex! In fact, that was the last time he came on like lightening! I am a really great partner, balanced and I work in the counseling industry, as well. But loving this man is probably going to be my demise. I have tried ignoring, seeming so preoccupied that he has to ask what I’m doing, every reverse psych thing I could think of. We should be having some sort of physical contact….its just non existent. I’ve asked him for honesty and he just gets angry and says that I can have him followed 24-7, there is no other woman. Nor man, in case you might ask about homosexuality.
    You’re my last hope. He won’t go to therapy, says I’m the one who needs it and I don’t understand how hard he works.
    I’m ready to leave. After nearly 9 years.
    Over this.
    Thank you for your time!

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      I would go to counseling with or without him. I would invite him. If he is serious about his marriage vows, he will go with you. If he isn’t, then there is nothing you can do about it so the counselor can assist you with how to go forward.

  43. John doe Reply

    Read this fact: You don’t want to have Sex with your man, until he does……….ad infinitum.You always have a reason not to be with him sexually. At First he gets frustrated…but he keeps trying. You keep rejecting, reason # 999,
    Months go by….You still haven’t had sex.
    Haven’t you noticed, he’s intiating less & less, until hes stopped trying to have Sex with you?
    He went from frustration,to unbelievable Sadness & frustration Anger and started to feel like less of a man. Now your not really attracted to that, are you? It’s been almost a year, and he doesn’t flirt, initiate, and sarcastic remarks appear.
    You got what you wanted.
    Sadly he lost his desire for you, you may be married, but his desire for you, is now gone. He won’t be initiating sex with you anymore, because he’s uncomfortable with you.
    The free flow of love is now gone. It’s awkward. Who wants awkward uncomfortable sex? He doesn’t. You don’t.
    You now have what you thought you wanted?
    But instead your man, doesn’t feel like much of a man.
    He sees others touching, holding hands, bonded through sexual Intimacy. He wonders if others can tell he hasn’t had sex in what feels like forever.
    You’ve lost the bond that holds couples closer.
    He’s not interested in sex with you as he was before.
    His overwhelming desire, is gone. Deprivation slowly but surely killed it.
    He wonders where his overwhelming desire went.
    It’s gone. Most likely forever. It’s time to move on.
    The glue that binds, was slowly washed away by rejection.
    He may be next to you, but you both know, your days are numbered.
    He will leave, the pain turned to apathy.
    Look in the mirror, and remember who he was with you, before constant rejection squashed his desire, for you.

    Start looking for your new man, because he won’t look back, it’s too painful too remember. He’s sad that you chose this. He did his best.
    You had a headache……..

  44. John doe Reply

    This article rings true.
    Sadly instead of bringing each other closer. Your constant headache, will be your demise of his desire.

  45. Discard Pile Thing Reply

    As a student in my late teens and early20s, i was dead keen for sex but a virgin, and fantasised in my bed about one day turning around in my bed eight times per night and telling my husband: i love you, i desire you, what can i di to make you happy, make you want me, can we play? The reality turned out different. I married an apparently charming kind sweet man who soon let the mask fall and turned out a raging self-centered entitled abusive mommy’s little prince within months. Let me count the ways he killed my sexual desire…allowing his mother and sisters to openly humiliate me and hint that I am a whore who trapped their darling with sex to marry myself out of the gutter? Btw i srill dont get that one, both my parents were educated and refined of spirit and affluent. Calling me the ugliest woman he ever slept with ? ( but hey the one with the kindest heart, which is why I was The Lucky Winner of his hand!!) His drinking, vomiting and evacuating on the bathroom floor, the STDs? Constant contempt and disdain, treating me as less than, inferior, stupid? Silent treatment for weeks on end? Angry rages telling me in detail what a selfish piece of shit I am? Vindictive spitefulness, eye rolling, sarcasm, hissing toxic invective spit into my face? Leaving me completely alone weeks on end with small children? Emotional withholding? No emotional intimacy at all, no physical affection? The best I can say about sex with him, it was over in 5 minutes. Especially since he had a passionate love affair with porn. So one day after particularly vicious contempt and bitter sarcasm I broke all sexual contact. Figured I am worth more than boobs and a vagina with a pulse,i maybe cheaper than prostitutes and an effective masturbation aid, better than the hand and a tissue, but the days of me being used like that are OVER. Please, clever people, tell me WHERE the sexual desire must come from, WHAT do I hold on, hoe do I stop feeling unloved, unwanted, unwelcome, unimportant, unrespected, unhonored, unvalued, isolated, excluded, unsafe? Divorce was difficult for me to come to terms with, as I am deeply religious, but I prayed for guidance and it was clear: God does not want his beloved daughters abused and dishonoured. He cherished his precious children more than he values the stinking corpse of a cesspit of a marriage i was in and which only brought me sorrow and misery. Waited for my youngest to finish school…20 days to go…but unfortunately while waiting the past 5 years I became very ill, complete breakdown, could not keep an eye over my irresponsible, lazy, arrogant, magical thinking manchild. So during that timeI could not work and supplement his income with whatever he needed (i was highly successful high earning contractor) so he managed to get us with his hubris and greed and sheer foolishness into debt exceeding $2million, being kicked off his professional body for serious financial misconduct, which means I walk out of a 30 years marriage sick and penniless. In addition he did quite a good job behind my back poisoning my children against me – he their best buddy who got drunk and stoned with them from teenage years regularly, me the nagging, cold, hard b$&@“ trying to spoil their fun and teach them moral values. Before a wife is blamed for withholding sex, go see what the husband is withholding. Or doling out. I had a particularly mean and nasty case of a sociopath and NPD sick man on my hands, but even only 5% of what I went through, on a regular basis, is a total piece de resistance passion killer. I am now dead from the neck downwards and is seriously considering joining a place of refuge such as a nunnery…marital sexual abuse and degradation, sexual humiliation, sexual coercion, and “consensual” rape kills something inside a woman that can never be revived. Hearing about all those beautiful, clever, smart, special, enthralling, enchanting female beings out there, measured against me, a hag past her sell by date, also never set my hormones into delicious anticipatory overdrive. I despise sex and will never ever abuse myself like that again. I am particularly elated that I will never ever feel this person’ greedy, pudgy, grasping little fingers like maggots on my skin, never hear his disgusting out-of-breath grunting and sniffling labouring in my ear, his smelly fat body crushing the air out of me. Five or six strokes, roll of, snore. Be careful, be very careful before you judge women whose skin creeps at the idea of fornicating with the pigs they are married to.

  46. Ben Reply

    God should have spent an extra hour debugging sex when he made Adam and Eve.

  47. Lauren I Reply

    What if your husband tells you that he feels no more or less emotionally connected to you if you have sex? He wants sex sometimes but he also seems fine to go without for weeks. I know he often takes care of the physical release on his own, so he doesn’t seem to need me for that. I hear so much about how men feel intimacy through sex but it doesn’t seem true for my husband. And how does sex=intimacy if they are also looking at other women sexually? Obviously they have no emotional connection to the random woman on the street or in a porn movie, but they still want her. I just don’t see the sex=intimacy thing. Someone please explain.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      For men, several things are going on. There is the emotional intimacy that comes through sex. There is also a general drive and desire. However, not all men are the same. It’s not unusual for a man to have a lower drive. What concerns me here is the habit of taking care of that on his own and not nourishing his intimacy with you. To me, that’s a problem.

  48. Some Chick Reply

    The responses from some of the women on the other side make me sad. I’ve been married almost 10 years, and it was great at the beginning. Then I started habitually saying no. I think it would be heart breaking if that was how I felt loved, but my husband never wanted it 🙁 I have been trying to work on my issues, but I think the breakthrough came today. I already have some grasp that men feel love through sex, though I still don’t understand, and I guess I don’t really have to. But I recognize that he needs that connection. I enjoy it when it happens, but it still feels like a chore. Like it’s just for him, and I can take it or leave it. I need to figure out how to understand that it’s ok for me to say yes, if that makes sense. That I don’t have to feel guilty for allowing myself to even think about it. I WANT to want him all the time. Mentally, I always do, but I seem to have blocked my body from responding to those specific thoughts that pop through. It’s not that I don’t want him, I just don’t know how to allow myself to. Also, habitually saying no is the result of not making your spouse a priority. And I have a hunch that porn addiction isn’t so much about the spouse wanting someone else, but the fact that the person on the tv is saying “I won’t reject you”. For the most part anyway. I can’t seem to get into or out of my own head.

  49. Anon Reply

    ‘Light the fire!’
    What about those who have tried?
    Doing all the housework?
    Helping out?
    Flirting to only receive ‘I’m fat’ or ‘what are you doing’
    It’s worse when you try and are completely shut down. You give up because its hopeless.
    You cant catch her eye at a party, because she wont go.
    She has no desire for herself, barely.
    How the hell would you expect her to ever want anything to do with you?
    That is why I gave up.

  50. Joshua Hernandez Reply

    Hello, I’m 29 years old. I have been married to my wife for 2.5 years now. This is my second marriage. My I got married when I was 18 years old and it was quite a messy situation. We both treated eachother badly , there was no respect and we both cheated on eachother. Only thing is that my infidelity became public and hers didnt. I took most of the heat when we were getting divorced 4 years later .After that horrible experience, I promised myself and my parents that I would never be the same man again and that if I ever remarried I would do things differently. Fast forward 3 years , I met my now wife. I struggled to get her to be interested in me and really put in an effort to have her date me. We started dating and she was always ver distant , as far as communication and affection. I just thought she was very shy and that time would go by and things would get better. As a Christian heavily involved in the church, I wanted to get married sooner then later. I mentioned it to her various times and she had multiple excuses and I understood her. It was still early on in our relationship. About a year later I proposed and she said yes! We married! On our wedding night, I noticed that once I tried to get intimate with her , she started giving me excuses as to why she wanted to delay the sex (we had not done anything prior to this) It took some convincing and we got there. The first few months were great…but out of nowhere she just lost interest. It went from 2-4 times a week to 1-2 a month. Let me mention that I am very attentive when it comes to house work, chores, and responsibilities. I also am very romantic and have always tried to make her feel and know she is the love of my life. She acknowledges that I am a good and helpful husband and has told me she appreciates everything I do..but when it comes to intimacy, communication, romance , relationship…she has shut me down. She will give me the most absurd excuses to not have sex and will would not hold a conversation with me. I have sat down and talked about this with her , I have asked what I need to change in order to be a better husband and she would only say “nothing is wrong”. I’ve cried to her and expressed my loneliness and sexual discomfort and it never seemed to phase her…and when we did have sex , it was pitiful, she would get off and expect me to hurry and get it over with ASAP or she’d complain. There was a time where she cut me off completely and I had to ask her if she was a lesbian because she simply showed no desire to have any physical touch from me….I would cry in my car and drive around feeling so alone and depressed. I pushed all my friends away because she would tell me I was to old to have friendships and all I needed was her and my son…Well, one day i ran into an old flame from many many years ago, we talked and went on our ways. Well, we started talking more and more over social media and it led us to meeting up and having sex….I felt horrible doing this to my family and I know and understand there is not justification for my actions. I also was contacted by a mans wife asking me to please tell my wife to leave her husband alone, then she sent me multiple messages of my wife and her husband telling eachother how much they still wanted eachother and my wife even told him we were already getting a divorce and that shed be out of this in 6 months….I feel ashamed and burdened. Well I became very emotionally disconnected from my wife and stopped begging for affection or any kind of attention. She noticed I wouldn’t come home and try to hug her (which she would just side hug me anyway and push me off) or make any sexual advances on her anymore…now shes angry because she says I’ve changed and shes not going to be the only one who tries to fix thing….I get so angry when she says that because for the past 1.5 years I tried and tried and tried to help my marriage…it just seems that now that she sees that my attitude is affecting her , now she wants to try and mend thing FAST. Thing is, I dont love her like I did. I dont have that desire I once had. I have thought of divorce…but she uses my son as leverage against me and continually accuses me of not trying to fix our marriage which kills me inside. This would be my second divorce and I’m so embarrassed its come to this. I brought my parents into the circle and we all sat down and talked. All they said was , well love your wife , shell change, pray about it…like what?? I did pray about it , I’ve cried I’ve asked for change , I begged her so many times to help our marriage. I dont know what to do anymore. Help.

    • Philip Reply

      Divorce her. NOW. If tries to use your son as leverage, you can prove that you are the financially stable parent who is capable of actually living your child. Clearly she can’t be bothered to even love her husband. If she can’t do that, how could she possibly show love to a child? You will have to fight dirty in court, but you can win.

  51. Whitney Reply

    Sex is definitely used to satisfy our souls (mind, will and emotions). We are so self centered and don’t turn to our spirit. The soul is separated from our spirit. The lord says I will give you a new heart, new spirit and new mind but he never says he will give us a new soul. He tells us to love him with all our heart, with all our soul and with all our mind. He knew that it would be hard to love him with all of our being. This is the same with the self. We are very intilted and opinionated. We just have to gain the lord and turn to him. He will led us into prayer. Prayer can cause both to be intimate and enjoy the lord and each other.

  52. Dee Reply

    Before my marriage my wife had an affair but then we married and you’ll think that would make it clear about how she should view me . NOT !!! I’ve been rejected more than I ever did before my marriage . Always an excuse but she had the nerve to sleep with a stranger . I can find her excuses to be legit . How should I feel

  53. Tamar Reply

    Social programming here. It’s a myth sex isn’t as important to women. Sex is just as important to me in my marriage as it is to my husband. If a man would focus on figuring out how to pleasure their wife in bed than they might see a more interested wife. It’s the very thinking in this article (that sex is a man thing) that shows a man doesn’t understand a woman’s sexuality.

  54. Philip Reply

    I don’t even feel like the women in this thread will read this because the majority of you all sound like the typical “if you’re not getting it then you’re obviously doing something wrong” selfish shrews.

    To the women who are dealing with chronic pains in your hips or your back: do your hands not work? Does your mouth not work? Is your idea of sex just look like the physical act of intercourse?

    Actual intercourse is wonderful, and we do need that, but if you could simply understand the power you would have if you would just choose to shift your perspective you wouldn’t have to “give it up” nearly as often as you think.

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