It sounds horribly old-fashioned, I know, but I still think it is true.
Boys should ask out girls.
This should be the normal procedure for dating. Not a text, not a hint, not a word through a friend. But the old-fashioned dial her number, talk to her on the phone, and ask her on a date. (See: Dating to Break Up–a Unique Perspective)
It sounds crazy to today’s modern young adult. It’s not the way things work. But at what cost have we changed the rules?
I was a shy kid, very shy. The thought of being rejected in asking a girl for a date resulted in me being alone on a lot of Friday nights in high school. The fear was too great.
Yet eventually desire overcame fear. What I wanted was greater than what might happen, so I picked up the phone and cold-called the girl whom I had causally met on two occasions. She agreed to the date and the rest is history.
But I wonder what would have happened if I was born twenty years later. What if I was a student in today’s culture?
Chances are I would not have to face the tension. (See: Love a Person, Not the Idea of Love)
Quickly fading are the days where a boy was expected to ask a girl out for a date. Now, girls ask the boys or boys hint to their friends or send out sub-tweets in hopes of getting the right response.
All of these would have appealed to me as a teenager, but they all terrify me as a parent.
By removing the face-to-face, or at the least voice-to-voice, aspect of asking for a date, we are enabling childish behavior which society cannot afford.
The last thing we need are more boys failing to become men. Yet in multiple ways we are empowering our children to remain children. (See: What a Drunk Girl Deserves)
Boys need to ask out girls because boys need to understand the power of initiative. They need to recognize their fear of rejection is minor in comparison to the fun of a great date or the joy of a meaningful relationship. They need to learn to overcome their fears and to take action. They need to experience the negative consequences of being paralyzed by their fear.
My fear of today’s culture, where boys do not have to ask out girls, is not just the negative implications it will have on relationships (and they will be negative) but the negative impact it will have upon all of society.
Far too often, boys are reaping all the benefits of a relationship with a woman without any of the responsibilities. These benefits could be as minor as having a date to a prom to as major of having a sexual relationship with a woman without the expectation of providing for her or protecting her. (See: Pastoral Advice for Single Women)
Boys should not have the privileges of men because it enables them to remain boys. They should be challenged, encouraged, and empowered to grow-up. Unfortunately our society is failing to create a climate in which boys feel enough tension so that they will make the hard decisions and take decisive actions.
Maybe I’m old-fashioned. Maybe I’m wrong. But I think the simple process of boys asking out girls for dates is more than just a relationship issue. I think it is part of a bigger story of how we are failing to raise young men. We don’t have fewer males in today’s society, we simply have fewer men. Our boys have grown physically, but have not matured mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
A few months ago I heard a girl say, “If any boy would have the courage to call me on the phone and ask me out, I would go out with him.” It was a striking statement because from the outside looking in, one would assume this girl had a line of suitors a mile long. Yet she was voicing the frustration of many modern women who are looking for a man and seeing nothing but boys.
Two suggestions:
Young women: Refuse to play today’s game. Realize it would be better to be alone than to be in a relationship with someone who hasn’t grown up. Set high standards (the right ones—how you will be treated, the moral code you will live by, etc) and do not lower them. Do not enable boys by doing for them what they should be doing for themselves.
Young men: Find courage. Realize the unique opportunity before you if you will refuse today’s culture and actually be a man. Be noble. Be old-school in the right ways (call a girl to ask her out, open her door for her, plan the date, have her home on time, respect her father, etc). Challenge yourselves by doing things that scare you but you know are the right actions.
Did you agree with what you read? If so, tweet one your favorite lines:
Than
Then on the other end of the spectrum, you have the absurd growing trend of “promposals” in which young men ask the girl of their choice out in the most public way possible, video the entire thing, and then place it on youtube for the world to see. Equally disturbing.
very true John. How have I not written about this? ha.
I agree with your overall argument here, but why do you put all the responsibility on the boys? I have a 17yo son who is very intelligent and mature. The following is why he doesn’t ask girls out:
– Many girls have turned the rejection of boys into a sport to see who can be the most ruthless
– Many girls dress in very immodest, provocative clothing that makes him uncomfortable
– The language girls use is much worse than the boys these days; he doesn’t curse and doesn’t want to be around those who do
– Girls have no qualms about demanding (yes demanding) expensive dates and gifts
– GIrls pressure boys to have sex, and my son wants to remain a virgin until marriage
– Girls demand an inordinate amount of attention and constantly manipulate boys by changing their mood as often as their clothes
– Girls aren’t interested in the boy; they just want a boyfriend so that other girls will be jealous. If someone hotter comes along, they’ll dump their “boyfriend” in a second if they think it will advance their social status.
Girls and young women need to make some changes so that the boys will want to spend time with them. Until then, they can expect to be ignored. After seeing the way some of my son’s female peers behave, I don’t blame him for avoiding them.
Why do guys have to do all the work in order to be labeled as grown up, while girls avoid all these and still call themselves grown up? Let’s look at the mirror. I say it’s the girls that lack courage to initiate things.
Loved this …
Generalizations are where these discussions break down. You start by saying “many girls,” then devolve to “girls.” I could write a very similar article as Mr.Thompson, but harsher in nature if I were simply referring to some of the dating interactions my daughters have had. My dating aged daughter has listed virtually all the complaints you did in your reply, Jon, but in reference to boys. In reference to gifts, they make her uncomfortable because she does not what the giver expects for that gift. Is it a gift or an expected exchange for intimacy.
When I read a realistic article on what the behavior of young women should be I don’t get angry about the fact that it does not represent my child, instead I feel some relief in the fact the that we have covered that subject. It is easy as parents to feel our children are always the ones wronged, but the fact is this is a general problem in our society today. It is not just your son, or just boys being manipulated by girls.
Mr. Thompson also usually addresses both sides of an issue, as we can see with his articles about marriage. I do have sympathy with him in that he tries to be fair, although there are those who think it wrong for men to speak for or about women even when done with apparent good intent.
I agree with the author. My son is 19 and annotate find the courage to ask a girl out. I am worried. I bring it up often But that doesn’t help. What can I do? Clueless
Personally, I wouldn’t bring it up. He’s old enough to make those decisions for himself.
Continue simping for young entitled women! Last thing we need are more male tradcons or male feminist, whatever you identify, who continue to put young women on the pedestal and instead of helping them be more independent and equal, we make everything fall on their lap!
Girls don’t really have to become or do anything though in the initial dating paradigm. Why must we do it? A man has to do while a women just has to be.-which is unfair, normally caused by their disproportionately higher innate sexual value.
As long as they asked girls / women out in the right ways, boys / men in the past did not need to be concerned about being accused of harassment. This is a real issue in our society and a lot of boys / men simply don’t ask the women they like on dates – or in fact make any attempt to talk to them at all as a result. Times have changed.
Kevin,
I love this article and could not agree more. You’ve put to words what I’ve been trying to put my finger on for my youngest daughter. My wife and I have four adult children, three are marrried and one is single. She is so frustrated by the lack of chivalry and manliness. She is 25, graduated from cosmetology school, making $80k/yr, and drop dead gorgeous. She has dated over and over but she told me, “Dad, I’m not going to chase them. They need to have a little desire”. How true! When I dated my wife, I couldn’t think of anything else. I wanted to be with her all the time. I’ve told her to hang in there and the Lord will put the right one in her path. Thanks again. I wish every young man and parents of young men would read this and self evaluate.
The only thing worse than asking for a date and being rejected is her actually agreeing to the date. Now you’re obliged to spend some of your valuable time trying to please an entitled, stuck up, rude, ungrateful bitch. She will use you and wring you dry if you let her. Nothing good can come out of a date – NOTHING. If it’s a flop you can be sure she’ll tell every other girl at school what a geek you are. If it goes “well” (from her point of view) she’ll expect more and more from you, until you inevitably fail to please her. Dating is a waste of time and money, and a negative outcome is guaranteed. There is a good chance you will be falsely accused of assault. That’s why boys and men don’t date anymore. Women and girls are not worth the trouble.
I agree with much of what you’ve written. But I’d like to add a wrinkle you may not have considered. Many boys and young men do not feel safe around girls and young women. They’ve witnessed males being destroyed over unfounded accusations. They’ve seen reputations ruined by lies. They’ve seen friends emotionally and socially abused by girls who frankly couldn’t care less about how their actions affect other people. My son would like to ask someone to go to Homecoming, but he’s decided not to. He told me there would be pressure to drink, use drugs, and have sex. He doesn’t want to do any of these things. He’s seen friends horrifically embarrassed in public by girls who weren’t taught how to politely say no thank you. My son also doesn’t approve of the immodest clothing girls wear, the vicious gossip they spread, the language they use, and all the tattoos, piercings and makeup with which they mar their bodies. He can’t find a good date, so he won’t be going. And it’s not because he’s afraid or isn’t learning how to be a man.
And 20 years ago, men did not have to risk being labeled creeps or endure false accusations from women who feel entitled to belittle men because they simply feel like it. Many men have decided – rationally – that asking women simply isn’t worth the potential significant risk. Of course, most women won’t behave this way, but most men aren’t rapists either. The few destroy it for the many because just as women don’t know which men pose a threat to them, men don’t know which women will accuse them falsely.
This article is completely behind the times. Dating is not worth it to men at all.
Man, home owner, over all successful. I asked two women out a day online for five years straight. This came out too 3,650 women. Replies received, two. Logic dictates I’m the issue given this statistics.
I then ask friends, family to double check my messages. Full of doubt, not understanding why I’m being ignored.
Went to therapy, it was really effecting me negativity to be treated like that.She reviewed the messages, laughed and thought they were great. I am decently attractive, women do give me attention but only single moms are large women.
After investing in this rabbit hole for so long I took a break from dating for a year, no one wants to date on their level. Expects only to pick from the top 10% of men, expectations is that the man provide a 6 figure income, have a six pack, be 6’whatever with toxic judgement they can come up with next.
This November marks a year since I stopped asking. I have 730 hours of savings of reaching out and being ignored.
I put over 50% down in my home back in 14. I could be a Walmart greeter and make ends meet the rest of my life. Everything is on cruise control.
My exceptions are don’t be a leech, contribute, provide value and perhaps some of the 65% of men would return to the market. Whats being sold is the problem. Not interested in even looking now.
Accountability is going to be very expensive over the next decade. Interested to see how things end up. You can’t treat men like that as a whole and then expect them to step up. Reparations have to be made until it’s been repaired.
Hmm the article is quite interesting and does give me a new perspective. I do partially agree, but I think that boys can prove to their partners that they are men in other ways other than asking them out and that just like men, if a girl cannot express interest in someone or take initiative she cannot fully develop into a woman. In the old days, men were often raised to be more dominant and aggressive than their female counterparts, and although that has changed, I also agree with you that men cannot be passive and unable to be mature. To add on, I believe that to become an adult (regardless) of gender one should be assertive and to believe in oneself. I (as a girl) am planning to ask boys/girls out one day once I start dating (although I’d be flattered if my crush asks me out!)
If we just shame young men even harder, surely they’ll do what we want.