Jan 072015 3 Responses

Love a Person, Not the Idea of Love

The stereotype is of a single woman desperate for a relationship. She’s at an age in which she assumes she should already be married. It seems as though all her friends are married and having children. She so longs for a relationship that her desperation is felt by everyone around her.

Friends are afraid to even mention a guy.

Her family no longer asks her about men.

Every man she has ever met knows she wants a relationship.

Her desperation is the single greatest hindrance to her having an actual relationship. Anytime someone shows the least bit of interest she smothers them and causes them to flee. (See: Don’t Blame God When You Break-up With Your Boyfriend)

She thinks she is simply being open and trusting. She might even say, “What is wrong with men today? They don’t want a real relationship.” What she doesn’t realize is that no one wants a relationship with someone who would be an open book on the first date.

Trust Should Take Time

Imagine a friend leaving her credit card on her windshield with the password attached to the card via post-it note. When you ask your friend about her foolishness, she says, “I’m just a very open person, and I quickly trust people.” It would be ridiculous. Yet how many times have you heard, “I’m just a very open person in relationships.”

It’s not openness; it’s foolishness. It’s not transparency; it’s desperation. It’s not the pathway to a relationship; it’s the prevention of a relationship.

Openness, transparency, and trust are vital elements of a healthy relationship. However, no relationship should begin with one person immediately giving total access to their heart.

Trust must be built. When someone immediately jumps into a relationship thinking about forever and completely giving the other person access to their heart, body, and soul, they are actually revealing they struggle with establishing proper boundaries and should not be trusted.

When a guy or a girl feels smothered after the first date or two, they should run because the other person is not in a healthy place to have a true relationship. (See: Dating to Break-up–a Unique Perspective)

Because they are in love with the idea of love, they cannot love another person.

The stereotype is that of a woman who falls into this pattern, but it happens just as much with men.

Two False Relationships

There are two current trends within dating which are hindering meaningful relationships.

Some engage in the “hook-up” culture. Refusing to take the risk and be known, they pretend they are above typical dating. They “hang out” and are “just friends,” but also engage in serious physical relationships with the very people they refuse to get to know on an intellectual level. Few things will sabotage the potential of a meaningful relationship like ignoring proper physical boundaries. By engaging the body before the mind, we confuse both. The mind can’t fairly evaluate the other person as a potential mate, and the body becomes trained to move on to the next relationship when the physical contact loses some of its excitement. (See: Pastoral Advice for Single Women)

Others are married at first date. In a culture which is largely rejecting exclusive relationships, some are creating them well before they should happen. Desperate for a relationship, they assume if the first date goes well that the other person should be fully committed. It too is a recipe for disaster. In no other scenario do we so quickly commit to something, yet some start thinking about forever just because a dinner and a movie went well. (See: You’re Not My Soul Mate)

Both scenarios are wrong because neither values the other person. In both cases, the relationship is a vehicle to use the person in order to meet personal needs.

A relationship is supposed to be about another person. It grows slowly in trust and comfort so that we can share the fullness of who we are. This should never happen quickly. It’s something which should be earned over time.

We should value ourselves enough that we aren’t willing to give complete access to our heart to just anyone. We should understand boundaries in order to protect ourselves and others. We should not confuse foolishly rushing a relationship with what it means to be open, loving, and honest. We should value privacy and understand that some things should be saved for very few people.

This doesn’t mean we should run from love or that we should be afraid to let our guard down. We should, however, wisely progress in a relationship learning if the other person is trustworthy and kind enough for us to open our hearts to them. (See: This Is Who You Want to Marry)

Many people are more in love with the idea of love than they are with any specific person. As long as they desire a relationship more than a specific person, they will likely experience neither.

3 Responses to Love a Person, Not the Idea of Love
  1. […] Chances are I would not have to face the tension. (See: Love a Person, Not the Idea of Love) […... kevinathompson.com/when-boys-no-longer-ask-out-girls
  2. […] The last place a selfish person needs to be is in a relationship with another person. If you can’t... coffeeinbed.info/posts/five-ways-to-ruin-a-good-relationship
  3. […] The last place a selfish person needs to be is in a relationship with another person. If you canR... kevinathompson.com/five-ways-to-ruin-a-good-relationship

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