“I’m just too tired.”
It’s the most common phrase I hear from couples regarding sex.
Most people understand the importance of a healthy sexual relationship within a marriage. It isn’t everything, but it is something and it’s a very important something. On occasion one spouse will exaggerate its importance, believing it is the primary aspect of marriage. More often one spouse will grossly downplay the importance of sex, believing it is a sign of a man’s weakness. But most people understand sex is important. (See: Three Types of Sex Every Married Couple Should Have)
Knowing sex is important to marriage and making it important in marriage are two separate acts.
With all the demands of life, it is very easy for sex to be pushed to the bottom of the list. There is always “later” or “tomorrow” when it comes to making time for intimacy for a couple.
Early in a marriage this rarely causes a problem. With fewer demands for newlyweds, pushing sex to the end of the day isn’t an issue. Most young couples go to bed much earlier than they did in college or while dating, so a late night appointment is acceptable and satisfying.
Yet as demands increase, late-night sex can become an issue.
One of the biggest mistakes couples make is getting into a rut of only having sex at night. A habit which can begin in young adulthood without any consequences can become taxing as a marriage matures.
If the only time a couple has sex is at night, one’s sexual health will suffer in the seasons of raising children and advancing careers. (See: The 24-Hour Sex Rule)
Nothing can prepare a couple for how exhausting raising children can be. I often laugh as I visit new parents in the delivery wing of a hospital. Oftentimes the new father will say to me, “If we can just get through these next few weeks of no sleep, we will be good.” I always want to say, “Six weeks?” No doubt the newborn stage has unique sleep challenges, but sleep is never the same after a baby is born. With each child added, the more complex life becomes, and parents spend most of their lives in desperate need of a nap.
For many people, as the children begin to grow, so does their careers. Whether in the corporate world, in small business, or for a homemaker, the expectations and demands increase. The weariness can sometimes be overwhelming.
This exhaustion kills one’s sex drive, and oftentimes their sex life, unless serious attention and intention is at play.
If the only time a couple has sex is at the end of the day, they likely will not be having much sex.
Here is an simple solution to the problem of weariness when it comes to sex:
A couple should take every opportunity to have as much sex as possible at a time other than the end of the day.
It takes effort, planning, and often a change of mindset, but if they will find times of intimacy other than at night, their relationship has a much better chance to flourish. (See: Are You Having Enough Sex?)
This doesn’t exclude sex at night. Nighttime sex might continue to be the mainstay of the sexual diet, but if a couple can add in intimacy at other times, it will greatly enhance their experience.
The problem with only having sex at night is you continually give yourself to your spouse when you have the least amount of energy. I would never accept this of a teammate, co-worker, or friend. I would want more. As a spouse, I want more. While we partner together through life, I’m fully aware there are seasons of life in which my only interaction (communication, quality time, and/or sex) with my wife will be at the end of the day when we are both exhausted. That’s part of life. But if that’s the only time we interact, something will be missing.
By creating other times in which we can be together, we are making sure our spouses also see us at our most energized. Why should your work place get you when you are most awake, but not your spouse?
Couples have a variety of options regarding the question of “when.”
- Before kids wake up
- At lunch
- During naptime
- After work
- A mid-morning meeting
It might take some creativity. For some it will require a drastic change of mindset. And it might involve some risk—what if the kids wake up? But any energy spent in trying to find other times to have intimacy will be well worth it.
Not only will you have more energy to have sex, but it will also tell your spouse that they are not the last thing on your daily list. It will also add variety and change to the sexual experience. (See: What I Tell College Students About Married Sex)
Are you too tired for sex? Then don’t have sex tonight. Go to sleep, but plan on having lunch at home tomorrow and picking up something to eat on the way back to work.
For more, see:
One Tip to Improve Married Sex
Pingback: Three Types of Sex Every Married Couple Should Have - Kevin A. Thompson
I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses, and I don’t contest the validity of the premise (I 100% agree with it!) However I think you seriously downplay the ease at which most of the working world can implement this kind of change of pace. You’re a writer, and with that profession comes a great deal of pressure and hard work, however the upside of that is the ability to (at least at a higher degree than most professions) set your own schedule. For the grand majority of working adults it simply isn’t possible to drop everything and come home for some hanky panky when we have a 40-50 hour work week under the watchful eye of management and/or a significant commute, nor is it possible to squeeze in a quick romp under the sheets in the morning when we have to be out of bed before the sun rises. What I’ve described above can be said for about 80% of my friends, none of whom do I work with and all of which have different professions. I don’t consider it to be descriptive of an outlier nor am I projecting my own complaints to the world at large.
Like I said, I 100% agree with your assessment and I don’t want to downplay the hard work that is putting bread on the table by writing, but in this instance I think the chasm between identifying the problem and implementing the solution is much wider than you’ve described.
Charlie, I have no doubt that my schedule is more flexible than many so this may not work for everyone. That’s a good point. In my defense, writing is what I do after work. I pastor a church with four locations. My wife runs her own company. Then beyond that we do this website, write books, and do outside speaking engagements all while raising two young children. So while I”m more flexible than some, I’m very familiar with having far more work demanded in a day than hours available. I don’t claim to be busier than others, but I do think this article can be read with the understanding that my wife and I are as busy as any other working couple.
The writer of this page has seemed to lost the point. Almost all the comments are telling you sex during the day is very complicated. Not many people I know can stop work to go sleep with their wife/husband. You seem (the writer) to be defensive when someone brings that up to you- “I am super busy, i am perhaps the busiest person I know. Waahhhh” is what it looks like to me. This was just bad advice, and your responses to comments who didn’t fully agree with you came off childish and defensive. I actually am worried that you’re a pastor and have a congregation, I hope you don’t speak so condescendingly to them.
I use to have a full time job a pretty good business and I took a third job doing something my wife and I both liked to do. That was four years ago…
Today we are missionaries and Pastors and never before have I had such a demand on my time, resources and energy as I do now. Marriage does require work and sex within marriage requires even more. I hope you all the best…I have an appointment!
Charlie’s point was that most people do not have a flexible enough schedule – – not that they are any busier than you are.
You sound busy, perhaps as much as most people, but you have windows whereas others do not.
What about couples where both are working every second of every day? My partner works all day then comes home and works until he is exhausted then goes to bed. I also work all day then do cooking and housework in the evening. We both work weekends and holidays. Sex is important to us, but making ends meet is far more crucial. I just don’t see how your advice applies to the typical working couple.
To me, marriage is a non-negotiable. We will prioritize each other above other things…including work. I think this article applies to the average working couple because I think my wife and I likely work far more than the average working couple.
Americans have allowed employers/cost of living to sqeeze the energy from life.
Do without some luxuries. Let your kids work to get through school, and take plenty of 20 min power naps.
Sometimes motivation is the problem. There is none. Get playful. Send a text using the phrases, “bop your balogna”, “suck it like a vaccum”, and “whiplash”.
And if you think it’s ridiculous for you to use any of those phrases then, you have just realized part of the problem.
Chew on this: I’m high maintainance when it comes to being touched.I am considerate, though. I dont have to cum every time i have sex. I get great satisfaction from the kissing, rubbing, the fact that I’m pleasing him with my mouth, breasts, etc.
Start with just kissing. Five minutes worth of hugging & kissing in the morning, late morning, after lunch, before tea, before dishes. Then, go to bed! 😉
amen tracy roberts you sound like an amazing wife, your husband is a lucky man!
DON’T LET CAPITALISM WIN! MAKE LOVE, PEOPLE!!!!
My problem is this chasm that you speak of. I’m 48 and she is 51.
And I typically work as an electrician working Monday at 7 am until 4 Monday through Friday with a few Saturdays thrown in. She is a salesperson working 12 days in a row often. Which she takes her 2 day weekend during Tuesdays and Wednesdays every other week. So our schedules are not in sync. Her days are 9 hour days and constant standing and going up and down stairs. I do the majority of the cooking, cleaning and laundry. Yet we have our intimate time on her terms (after shes had a day or two to rest) sexually I feel famished. I often massage her after a rough day with oil and in most cases it doesnt lead to anything sexual. It’s still intimate to a degree. Then we go to sleep.
I think the writer is spot on when it comes to the importance of intimacy and yet, intimacy does not always mean sex. Sometimes, all that is needed are a few words of encouragement and telling your spouse you love and appreciate them as well as random acts of love and affection. I enjoy sex with my spouse very much and the best part is making him happy and satisfied. He takes care of me as well but sometimes sex is just not what is needed. Sometimes you just need to be held close and have a kiss or two or a quickie before the kids wake up, or to be asked how your day went while messaging their feet or sometimes you just want to go to sleep in the arms of your partner. There are many forms of intimacy that include sex and should include sex (in my opinion) but that is not the only intimate and romantic aspect of my marriage. We are both so busy and I am 8 months pregnant and yet, we MAKE TIME for one another because we matter to each other and even if that’s not as often as your partner would prefer, you are still showing they are meaningful to your life when you make time to please your partner.
Everyone feels better after sex! Just start it and enjoy and get ready for the next day!
Very unrealistic times. Not sure what sort of set up is in your home, but when a couple both go out to work how much lunch time and mid morning sex do you think will be happening then? Or even if one spouse stays at home, I doubt even then it will be possible for the other one to meet this sort of schedule. This is probably the worst article I have ever read on the subject of making time for sex.
It’s a fair point that this may not work for every couple. For us, we both have highly demanding jobs and we are raising two children, one with special needs. We’ve made it work. Maybe my point is that people find time to have affairs, surely married couples can find time for each other.
Eh sex is not a need but a want. I have never heard of anyone dying because of lack of sex. I think men are trained that they need to ha e sex constantly. If you’re that horny you have two hands use them. We should also train men as early as possible that sex is not a big deal and if you need it for security then you are pathetic and sad, needy individual.
Most of these suggestions are just not practical or possible for most couples. How can a couple have sex at lunch time when one or both are working and they have a limited time for lunch? Half an hour lunch break is all some workers get. Same goes for mid morning. No, my husband an I have always managed just fine with night time sex. Our kids were in a good bedtime routine, and stayed in bed once they were there. It simply hasn’t had any kind of an adverse effect on our marriage.
Ridiculous article.
Before kids wake up
At lunch
During naptime
After work
A mid-morning meeting
These suggestions aren’t very practical. After I have been up all night with the baby, the last thing i want is to wake up before the baby. I just want to sleep.
My workplace is 2 hours from my home. My husband works from home. Unless he sets off to meet me somewhere in between, it can’t happen. And will he come with the baby? Because he watches the kid. I’m at work during naptime, and that baby I have absolutely refuses to nap for more than 15 minutes at a time. It’s actually a joke in our home how she distrusts us so much that she refuses to fall asleep around us. I’m up by 5am, leave the house by 6am and I’m at work before 8.30am. I leave work at 4.30pm,and I’m home before 7pm. After such a long commute, you best believe all I want is sleep. Do I get to sleep? Nope, I have to take care of the baby till she falls asleep. I have zero energy all the time. I’m stretched beyond myself. I really would have appreciated more practical advice that fits the demands of work, etc in our times.
I tried these step. My wife and I agreed to start scheduling it twice a week, in case we miss the first one, then there is a 2nd. If the first one was good, we can go with or skip the 2nd. six weeks have gone by, no one schduled appoint has been meet. I show up for the ‘meeting’ by myself.
She has one day off during the week, for she works on Saturadys. So I plan a lunchon, living room roduve, asked lets use your days off before the kids get out of school. Instead she goes have coffee with other women, shopping, nails or hair done. Things that could have been done after the kids get home, or on Sunday. Or during the week when she has a late shift.
It seems to me that she purposely avoiding me.
These “other”times to have sex are so impractical for the majority of couples. I don’t know anyone who is at work during the day who can fit sex into their mid morning break or their half hour lunch time. What do they do with the kids “after work”? People in the real world need better than this.
These times during the day are just not possible for most couples. How are couples who work and only have half an hour for their lunch break going to manage sex in the middle of the day? Or mid morning?
I real Enjoy reading your advice, but unfortunately my wife would never understand even if I let her read it, or explain it. I’m suffering a lot more day by day. When my mom stay over I tried to take the opportunity because if my sons wake up my mom will calm them down and put them back to sleep, for my wife it’s time for her to sleep instead of enjoy the little moment we have.
Before the kids wake up is the only realistic solution here. Both my husband and I work full time with set hours and lunch times. Thirty minutes for lunch and the closest one of us to home is 15 minutes away. Not sure what sort of day you have but we don’t have that sort of time during the day.
Liked your article and admittedly some of the things you have talked about are some of my experiences. My wife is a teacher and by the time she comes back home from work she is already too tired to think of sex. Result: I end up feeling tortured.
Lol, such impractical suggestions. I mean, if just one of you works some distance away from home and has a set 30 minutes lunch break (as most people do), how can they come together then? Even less possible during a mid morning break. If you work from home, it might be possible. I think you might be a bit out of touch with most people’s reality.
Jazakallah. Prioritizing intimacy at various times, not just at night, enhances the connection in a marriage. It requires effort, but the benefits of maintaining a healthy sex life are worth the intentional investment.
Me and my partner have 4 children the youngest is 10 months old and still wakes for night feeds then wakes in the morning between 4 and 4.30 so that’s me up for the day our 3 year old too wakes anytime.between 3.30 and 5am. I don’t nap during the day I am on the go from the min I wake, I do night feeds and night wakes all the time, so by the time 8.30pm.comes I am exhausted I love having sex but to my partner it doesn’t seem this way I try so hard to stay awake.but a lot of the time as soon as I lie down I am.fallimg.asleep resulting in my.partner having to wake me for sex and giving out he says I look like the walking.dead. smart comments are given out everyday my partner wants sex every single night so even if I fall asleep and stay asleep one night it causes arguments. Last night I tried so hard I put on lingerie sent him a picture an hour later he came to bed but the baby has woke by then fed baby then very unsettled for at least 30 mins so I fell asleep I woke 45 mins later apologizing to my partner but once again resulting in an argument. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated
Like me I a problem with every day sex I need a gap a day or two days but my partner doesn’t like it, he wants to do every day and he says am scheduling time for him, how can you help us. Even if I address my concerns he doesn’t care.
Sex every day sounds exhausting. I would get with a counselor to get at the root of what’s going on and what other ways he can feel connection.