May 212014 13 Responses

What I Tell College Students About Married Sex

“Your parents are better at sex than you are.” Whenever I teach Intro to Speech to college students, I open one class with that line. It serves a dual purpose: it shows them the power of a good opening line, and it helps my main point be memorable. I want to remind my students that practice is important. It makes us better. That’s true about communication and it’s true about married sex.

The average college student is sexually active and they assume sex is a young person’s activity. It’s not. Bad sex is a young person’s activity, but good sex often takes more time and practice than what the average twenty-year-old is capable of experiencing. It might be good for them, but it doesn’t compare to what they could experience as they mature. (See: Three Types of Sex Every Married Couple Should Have)

While young adults have youthful bodies as their advantage, older adults have multiple advantages which can make sex more enjoyable:

Experience. In his book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell writes it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert in a field. While it might not take that long, it does take a good amount of practice to become skilled at sex. The reason parents are better at sex than their college students is because of practice. What their students may have done a few times, they have done a thousand times. (See: Are You Having Enough Sex?)

Trust. Sex is meant for marriage. While few people wait for marriage, sex is more satisfying in the boundaries of a committed relationship. When you trust your partner with your life, it is easier to trust them with your body, desires, and vulnerabilities. The issue of trust is one of the reasons sex is a great barometer for marital satisfaction. As trust fades, so does sex. A bad sex life is rarely the reason for a bad marriage, but it is often an easy symptom to identify in the process of diagnosing marital health. If your sex life isn’t good, how is your level of trust? Build the latter and the former will usually take care of itself. (See: Two Steps to Solving 90% of All Relationship Problems)

Confidence. While age doesn’t insure self-confidence, it can contribute to it. Women in particular often feel more comfortable with themselves as they age. As a woman learns to accept her weaknesses and appreciate her strengths, it can have multiple benefits in the bedroom. When a husband and wife gain confidence with one another, it can positively influence the sexual experience. (See: I Wouldn’t Sleep With You Either)

Opportunity. Married sex is better than non-married sex. If for no other reason, it’s better because of opportunity. Have a bad experience with someone who isn’t your spouse and you may not get another chance. Have a bad experience with your spouse and you should get another chance within a reasonable time. Married sex is bad on occasion, but you can accept it and make it better next time. One of the advantages of a long-lasting marriage is being able to put negative experiences in context. One bad experience does not mean every experience will be bad. If sex isn’t mind-blowing tonight, it’s okay because you will get a chance to do it again at another time. This takes the pressure off of a married couple. You can relax without wondering how the other person is judging you. (See: The 24-Hour Sex Rule)

The popular perception promotes the idea that young, unmarried sex is the best. That might be true in the movies, but it’s not true in real life. Sex is best in the midst of a long-lasting relationship with two people who know and trust one another and are committed to the pleasure and satisfaction of their partner.

College students don’t believe me, but they don’t know what they are doing. Married sex can be far better than they imagine.

What’s one thing you would tell a college student about married sex?

For more, see:

Spicing Up Married Sex by Learning from the Adulterer

“Please” and “Thank You” Matter As Much As Sex

Top 5 Sex Posts of 2013

13 Responses to What I Tell College Students About Married Sex
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