Sep 182013 6 Responses

“Please” and “Thank You” Matter as Much as Sex

Saying “please” and “thank you” is just as important as sex. And they might be more important.

Sex is important.

I’ve written about it a lot: If I Could Only Tell Wives One Thing, Pastoral Advice for Single Women, and I Wouldn’t Sleep With You Either. And I’ll write about it a whole lot more. (It’s coming readers. Several have asked for advice when the husband doesn’t want sex. That post will appear very soon).

Yet gratitude matters just as much as sex.

Gratitude and sex have a lot in common. As they wane, they are often the first signs of an unhealthy marriage.

The difference between gratitude and sex is that gratitude can be improved by one individual whereas a healthy sex life requires both partners.

As I said in Why We Should Still Give Away the Bride, I often remind brides and grooms that the other is a gift they are being given. As long as they see each other as a gift, the marriage will thrive. As soon as they see each other as an entitlement or liability, the marriage will die.

Just as young couples need to be reminded, so do couples who have been married for some time.

While most couples would claim to be grateful for their spouses, the amount of gratitude they show might be far less than they realize.

How often one says “please” and “thank you” may be a more accurate representation of true gratitude than how one responds to the question, “Are you grateful for your spouse?”

It’s easy to get out of the routine. There is no telling how many meals my wife cooks in which I never say “thank you.” Between corralling the kids and trying to clean the kitchen it is easy to forget. Yet there is a slippery slope of forgetfulness and routine. It can easily lead to our spouses feeling forgotten, overlooked, and demeaned.

Gratitude speaks to our hearts. It recognize our humanity, our free choice, and our willful decision to act kindly toward another. By recognizing the good acts of another, we communicate our appreciation and it creates deep intimacy.

Intimacy is a by-product of gratitude.

It could be that many sexless marriages are gratitude-less marriages.

How grateful are you for your spouse?

Consider the following questions:

  • When was the last time you thanked your spouse for a doing a chore which they do routinely?
  • How often do you ask your spouse if there is a way you can help them today?
  • Do you regularly tell your spouse why you love them, not just that you love them?
  • Do you know how your spouse best feels loved and do you regularly make a conscious effort to communicate in that way?
  • Do you hear and acknowledge your spouses feelings when he/she communicates them to you?
  • Do you say “please” when asking them to do something for you?

A simple effort to express more gratitude within marriage can have dramatic effects on the relationship.

Please try it.

Thank you.

6 Responses to “Please” and “Thank You” Matter as Much as Sex
  1. Kristin Gardiner Reply

    When you see your husband/wife having a rough week at work, thank them for their effort and that they work so hard for your family. Don’t get upset because they need to take a moment to relax when they get home and don’t go straight into helping with the kids or around tge house mode or go to bed early or not want to go out that night out of exhaustion. Remember that they are working really hard and try to put yourself in the other’s shoes. It may be you next week and wouldn’t you like to have a little time to settle after a rough day? How validated and appreciated would you feel to hear “Honey I am so thankful for how hard you work for our family.” ? Attitude of gratitude goes a long way and it makes you want to put more effort into your spouse and reciprocate when you feel appreciated. 🙂

  2. dennyneff Reply

    I won’t comment publicly on the sex (smile) but I do want to share something on plain old fashion good manners and that is THEY ARE IMPORTANT. When I went through grade school (Aurora, Colorado in the 1960’s) that was a part of my school’s curriculum believe it or not. We were taught at an early age that “manners matter.” For me my school and Grandparents instilled the importance of respect saying “yes sir”, “no sir or mam”. Those lessons on respect in my formative years has stuck with me even into my latter years. And I still say “please” and “thank you” to everyone including my wife. I too feel it is important to show I care about my wife and appreciate everything that she does for me. It’s important for me to tell her I love her as well as telling my children I love them. I can’t say strongly enough how much I agree with you. I just wish our grandchildren were being taught manners and having respect for one another as well as those in authority in public school as well as in the home. Thank you Pastor again for your maturity, insight and God given wisdom.

  3. Sherry Reply

    I do think it is important to say please and thank you. However one should open to the different ways people say it. My husband offered to load something into the back of the car for me. Actually asked “do you want me to…”. I hadnt wanted him to, i had planned on doing it myself,, so i said ” sure”. I was going to give him a kiss and say ” thanks for loading that” afterwards, but he was already pushed out of shape that i didnt say ” yes, please, thank you” when he offered. We ended up fighting over it.

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