Feb 172014 14 Responses

Don’t Blame God When You Break Up With Your Boyfriend

It’s not God; it’s you.

She doesn’t like you anymore, but she’s too afraid to say it. So she said, “It’s God’s will.”

Nearly every month, I receive a similar message, “My boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with me because she/he said it’s not God’s will for us to date.”

I say, “Baloney.”

God might call someone to repent for dating someone they should have never of dated

or

someone might choose to use their God-ordained freedom to stop dating a person,

but it would be a very unique situation for God to call someone to stop dating another.

Truth is, this “God called me” is often a cowards way of breaking up. (See: God Called Me vs. I Want To)

The relationship has run its course and instead of telling the truth, someone says, “It’s not God’s will.”

One person gets bored with the other or begins to find someone else more fascinating so they say, “God doesn’t want me to date anyone right now.”

It’s deception. The person may not realize they are lying, but they are. They are often well-intended, but wrong. It’s a failure to take personal responsibility for one’s actions.

There is no reason to be a coward. You can date whomever you want. You are under no obligation of continuing a dating relationship if you want to stop. You don’t need a reason. You don’t need an excuse. You don’t have to apologize if you want to break-up. It is perfectly acceptable to end a relationship with the sole reason of “I want to stop dating you.”

While you don’t owe anyone an explanation, you do owe them the decency of taking personal responsibility for what you are choosing.

Stop blaming God.

For the high school crowd, the most common form of blaming God comes in the line, “God doesn’t want me to date right now.” When someone says that, what they are actually saying is, “I don’t want to date you right now.” Maybe they want the freedom of not being in a relationship, maybe they have grown weary of who they are dating, or maybe they want other people to know they aren’t dating in order to see what opportunities present themselves, but whatever the situation, it’s their choice and not God’s.

Dating can be a wonderful experience. We can learn about the opposite sex, relationships, and most important, about ourselves. (See: Dating to Break-up–a Unique Perspective)

But one of the most important lessons to be learned in a dating relationship is learning to take personal responsibility for ourselves and our decisions. This begins by recognizing the freedom which God has given us and exercising that freedom in a way which submits to his will, but takes responsibility for one’s choices.

There are several reasons why someone should break-up with a boyfriend or girlfriend because of Biblical teaching:

  • the person is an unbeliever
  • the relationship is prone to unbiblical behavior (See: Pastoral Advice for Single Women)
  • God is calling him/her to an activity which is better suited for someone who is single

Yet even when the reason is Biblical, an individual should not blame God. They should exercise the responsibility they have been given by God and make the wise choice while taking full responsibility for it.

“I want to date you, but God won’t let me,” sounds kind, but its actually cruel. It’s rarely based on the truth and is often an avoidance of the real issue.

Date. Choose wisely. When relationships need to end, end them. Just be honest when you do.

For more, see:

What to Look for in a Mate

The Most Overlooked Characteristics of Who You Want to Marry

The One Piece of Advice I Would Give a 7th Grader

14 Responses to Don’t Blame God When You Break Up With Your Boyfriend
  1. SpiderBear Reply

    It sounds to me that you don’t believe someone can hear God, as you reference that as “hear”
    I find that amazing. In reading several of your blogs tonight, I see that you seem to talk from two sides of your mouth in order (I suspect) to not offend anyone. No, there is no judgment within me and no bitterness in my tone. I am simply stating my perception, and perception defines one’s reality. My reality is this…I have heard God talk to me, not “heard” God talk to me. I have been condemned by many “men of faith” as a witch, and yet I have a faith within me that I cannot explain. My entire life was fueled with hope…a hope I cannot explain and when I tell my story of where I came from and all that occurred, I am met with a typical response…”you are the most abused person I have ever met, how did you survive?” I survived by hearing God. I survived by living in the hope the Holy Spirit placed in me the moment I was conceived in my mother’s womb, and yes, he did tell me to leave my husband…I filed for divorce (praying all the while to God to save my marriage) 2 weeks before my husband was convicted of raping a 16 year old girl. I had no knowledge of this incident prior to the conviction. My husband was a truck driver and he was convicted in another state. God may hate divorce, but he does not command His people to stay in a marriage that is not honoring to Him. I was honest with my now ex-husband….I told him God told me to end the marriage. Just because you don’t hear God…does not mean that others do not.

  2. A_Brother Reply

    Very simply put: I used the statement, “It’s not God’s will that we continue on together” with my first girlfriend.
    It wasn’t a cop-out, it wasn’t lying, and I wasn’t blaming God. It was truly not God’s will that we continue on towards marriage. How do I know? Because I listened then and I see the results now. I am now married to my second girlfriend, whom I would have missed had I not been obedient and followed God’s will.
    I wasn’t scared of breaking up or taking responsibility; we both agreed that there wasn’t really any “responsibility” to be had. We were both sure that God had different plans for us.

    I guess I throw this out here because I feel this blog misses some truth in the statement, “God doesn’t want me dating right now.”
    One of my sisters had a conversation with me regarding a man she was interested in. In the conversation, it was well understood that God had a plan that didn’t involve dating at the time. Was she blaming God? No, not at all; she was simply recognizing that God has a plan in everything and that it wasn’t in His plan for her to pursue romantic interests at the time.

    Just to be clear: I agree with what this blog is saying, be honest. I just want to be honest and say that God’s will plays a part, but you don’t get to pick what God’s will is based on the “hotness” factor.

  3. […] Her desperation is the single greatest hindrance to her having an actual relationship. Anytime someo... kevinathompson.com/love-person-not-idea-love
  4. […] Ironically what most people see as the sign of great love—two people quickly becoming enmeshed wit... kevinathompson.com/date-well-to-marry-well
  5. NoLie Reply

    That scumbag never gave me a wife and family that he gave to so many others.

  6. Taylor Reply

    I think the point that’s being missed is if you care for that person and you want to see them have a healthy relationship with God one day then don’t make him the villain, even if you believe 100% without a doubt that it was God telling you to break then give the person the reason God gave you, maybe he wants you to focus on building your relationship with him, then tell that person ” I need to focus on building my relationship with God ” or maybe Gods shown you some flaws in that person that would hinder your Christian walk, tell that person your leaving because of those flaws, by using God no matter how you justify it in your head theres a possibility your going to make that person mad at God, I grew up in church, I’m a preachers son matter of fact, I’ve always had a pretty good relationship the Lord, and recently my girlfriend of 7 months who I was very close to and we were both planning on getting married out of the blue told me God wants me to break up and have no distractions and to focus on him and me. And for about a day I was very upset and confused, because I had prayed to God about our relationship almost every day and God did a lot of work on me to prepare me to be the right man for her, she never asked me to change anything she loved me just for who I am, but I wanted to change a few things that were holding me back from becoming a man and a few things that made me fearful of committing to her, I want to be clear when I say that she was always the one who was certain of marrying me, she always used to tell me she knew without a doubt that I was the one, i was the one with doubts and it was like as soon as I felt that God had given me the courage to have no doubts there it was, she was breaking up. For that one day i was mad at God, and confused, who was i praying to this whole time? Why wouldn’t he tell me earlier on that this would happen? But I kept praying and asking for clarity, and it didn’t take long to realize it was just her being afraid to take responsibility So she pulled the God card. This is why I think it’s a bad idea to use him as an excuse. Whether he is it isn’t. In my case it didn’t help that my girlfriend has rapid cycling bipolar disorder and is prone to religious fervor and had just recently visited an extremely Pentecostal Church that catered to the Jesus high she was looking for. Not saying there’s anything wrong with Pentecostal churches I grew up in one, but I’ve also seen a commonality of people who seem addicted to crying at the alter. Who constantly beat themselves up in front of everyone and who never experienced the joy of grace or forgiveness. And people with borderline personality disorders are often drawn to it.

  7. Michael burns Reply

    I’m aware this is an old article but if anyone can get back to me I would really appriciate it. My girlfriend whom is Pentecostal had been dating me for almost 3 years up until 3 weeks ago when she moved into her dorm at a christain college. A week after she moved in I get a call the second my school lets out so I answer excited to talk to her and see how classes are going. But I can hear a tone in her voice which she had used a year ago when she claimed “we needed to delegate because she couldn’t handle our situation” to clarify: my dance partner had a crush on me and I had turned her down reassuring the girl I was happily in a relationship. Well my former girlfriend heard something different from my former friend who had liked her for awhile. Needless t say she dumped me and started having short relationships with multiple guys and I mean MULTIPLE. A new guy every week. Meanwhile Im sitting at home wondering to myself WHAT THE F%#* DID I DO WRONG? So the whole summer goes by and she comes crawling back to me and I take her back because… I’m lonely and hurt. So we date for another year. Now that you’re up to speed back to the phone call. So I hear her tone and i know this isn’t a good phone call ahead. So she just lays it on me. “Mikey we can’t be together anymore I’ve been having this feeling since June and I can’t fight gods will any longer” so Im thinking “uhhhh what’re you talking about” now keep this in mind: she had tried breaking up with me in June the day she came back home from church camp where she met a guy named Ben whom she talks to more than me. So I ask her “what are you breaking up with me for no reason what so ever AGAIN” of course I’m being smart about the sutauation bevause quite frankly Im furious that I have to go through this again. I put her before my family and friends. I got a second job so I could afford taking her to the places she loved and I always took her side because that’s just how I feel true love should be. Well I was wrong because two weeks ago she stopped contact with me completely after I drove 6 hours to her college to visit for a day. Which in that day she reassured that she loved me and to top it off she made out with me and slept with me. I should also point out we’re both 18 and I realize this is just young love but that’s not the point. So back to the point, she doesn’t speak to me a week later so I call her and tell her I have no interest in being played with any longer and I wished her the best. She gave me a rude answer and we ended things. Now just a few days later she contacted me leading me to believe she wanted me back and had made a mistake. I was wrong she only wished to lead me on so i could remain to be her fall back. I am sure of this because as soon as I agreed to wait for her to find out what God wanted from her she began to ignore me and put photos of herself with other guys on social media. When I visited her at her college I looked at her phone to see old pictures and found several romantic texts and pictures from the boy from church camp which leads me to believe that she has used God as an excuse to assure she can see what else is out there for her. If she would have just made that clear I wouldn’t be as spiteful. Any input would really help!

    I’ve done no revising of this text.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      My opinion: she wants to break up either for someone else or because she is bored. Instead of taking personal responsibility for her decision, she is using God as an out. It’s immature but she probably doesn’t mean harm.

  8. Joseph Reply

    My Opinion: I believe people do hear from God and get directives. However, I agree with this blog. It is spot on.
    If God knows the end from the beginning why would He approve of someone starting a relationship in the first place that He knows He will instruct the person to end in a few months. That makes no sense. Why would He give the go ahead for two of His children to get involved turn then around say it is not His will or no longer his will. Someone often gets hurt. God disciplines us for our own God but He is not cruel or insensitive. Either you never heard from God in the first place or you are not taking responsibility.

  9. TrueTeller Reply

    Well i do blame God for not having a good wife and family that i wanted so much since he Blessed so many others with that gift of life. Why not us good men?

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      TrueTeller, I’m sorry. All I can suggest is to keep considering how you can improve while asking God for what you desire.

  10. […] On a monthly basis, I speak with women who ask me, “Why won’t he marry me?” In nearly ever... kevinathompson.com/pastoral-advice-single-women
  11. Paul Reply

    Well for many of us men nowadays that are still single as i speak which i can certainly blame God for the kind of women today that he created which unfortunately most of them are just so very horrible now altogether. And with most of the women not having any respect and no good manners at all for many of us good innocent men which certainly tells the whole story right there. It is very sad how the women of today really are compared to the old days when most women were real ladies and very old fashioned back then since most men in those days that were really looking to meet a good woman to settle down with really didn’t have any trouble at all either. Now with so many women having their careers which made them so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, narcissists, and very money hungry as well. It is these type of women now that have really destroyed the dating scene for many of us very serious men looking for real love today since these women will only want the very best of all and will never settle for less. Even God unfortunately has no control at all over these very pathetic loser women nowadays since they’re very much out of control now unfortunately. And it now has become so very dangerous for many of us men just to say good morning or hello to a woman that we really would like to meet since they will just be so very nasty to us and walk away anyway. And now you have all of these very stupid reality TV shows and well as the media adding to the problem since this has certainly corrupted most of these women’s minds altogether too. LOL,for many of us good men trying to find love today which is like trying to win the lottery.

  12. […] A more accurate Biblical statement would likely be that God has plans for our lives. Not a plan, but... kevinathompson.com/god-plan-for-your-life

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