Aug 072013 75 Responses

I Wouldn’t Sleep with You Either

I was having lunch next to a table of middle-aged men. One of the men was railing against his wife.

  • “She never does this.”
  • “She never does that.”
  • “She’s always on me.”
  • “I get home at 10:30 and she just huffs at me and goes to bed.”
  • “She won’t even sleep with me.”

As I listened to the rant, one thought kept reoccurring—“I wouldn’t sleep with you either.”

Listening to him didn’t make me wonder why his wife wouldn’t have sex with him. It made me wonder why she had ever had sex with him. He was bitter, cold, and selfish. I can’t think of a worse trifecta when it comes to intimacy than those three. Yet he couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to have sex.

One of the great problems with humanity is our inability to see ourselves the way other people see us. We lose track of reality which leads to confusion, questions and doubt. (See: What Your Husband Wants From You in Bed)

  • Why does she feel that way?
  • Why does he act like that?
  • Why does she assume I think that?

While we can’t control what other people do, say, or feel, we do influence their actions, thoughts, and words.

In marriage, we often mistakenly assume our spouses will continue doing the things we like even if we stop doing the things they like.

It’s a form of entitlement. (See: In Marriage, It’s All Foreplay)

Instead of seeing the marriage relationship as a give and take of mutual benefit, we begin to believe we are entitled to all the privileges of marriage even if we fail to carry out the responsibilities of marriage.

There is a simple exercise to assist us in seeing ourselves for who we actually are.

Imagine if every interaction you have with your spouse today was the first set of interactions you ever had with them. Would she give you her phone number? Would he call you? Based on how you acted today, would he ask you to marry him? Would she say yes?

One of the most foolish decisions a couple makes is the choice to stop pursuing their spouse with the intensity and purpose with which most relationships start. What begins with very intentional actions–calling her on the phone, positioning yourself where she can see you, exploring what she likes or doesn’t like, presenting yourself in the most positive way–devolves into any lack of effort to sustain the marriage. (See: ‘Please’ and ‘Thank You’ Matter as Much as Sex)

Last Friday night I took the kids to play Putt-Putt. As we played, there were three teenage couples also playing. It was funny to watch them. The boys were trying hard. They were laughing loudly, acting goofy, and doing everything in their power to impress their dates.

At what point do men stop doing this?

When do we no longer attempt to earn the attention of our woman? When does hope turn to entitlement? When does effort turn to expectation? When does action turn to apathy?

And it’s not a one way street. At what point to women stop trying? When does the lingerie turn to old pajamas? When does encouragement turn to accusation? When do attempts to turn-on give way to intentional acts to turn off?

At the park, every girl was dressed nice, was joking back with their date, and for goodness sake, they were playing putt-putt. I seriously doubt that putt-putt was the main hope of those girls when the boy ask them out for Friday. Few things are more boy-centered than putt-putt.

Yet there they were. The boys were trying and the girls appreciating their effort. (See: What I Tell College Students About Married Sex)

But where are you?

Men, are your pursuing your wife? Are you working to get their attention, to impress, to make them laugh, to love them, to support them, to be their man?

Women, are you pursuing your husband? Are you laughing at their silliness, taking time out of your busyness to do something with them, working to get your husband’s look, attention, and affection?

We are foolish if we think we can keep strong affections for one another without any effort. Love must be kindled or it will die. We either work at it with great intention or we lose it in unconscious apathy.

If you aren’t trying, you are dying.

Most marriages don’t die from wrong intentions; they die from no intention. One or both spouses fail to intentionally nourish the relationship and it slowly fades. Intention gives way to entitlement. Few things kill true intimacy like believing you are entitled to it.

Do you want your spouse to sleep with you? Be worth sleeping with.

75 Responses to I Wouldn’t Sleep with You Either
  1. Terri Reply

    I am inspired to be a better teammate !

  2. nowthenews (@nowthenews) Reply

    Men stop trying when the women stop trying. Women stop taking pride in how they look or act, bitching at their men and emasculating them. They put very little thought into what a guy needs to feel good about himself. And men always lose when their women lose respect for them as a person … we want you to be our heroes and to make us proud and men want that too. Adam Corrolla had a great line once .. guys .. you’re just one chore away from the best sex ever .. just do a dish or take out the trash and we will love you!

    • Emma Reply

      Um, when you are a mom and your day is spent taking care of kids, animals and the house, you really don’t have a lot of energy at the end of the day to look glamorous. And what about what women need from their men to feel good about ourselves? I want to hear my husband say how beautiful I am when I have no makeup on and I’ve just spent 3 hours cleaning house and making dinner. Not just when I get dolled up.

      • John Reply

        I’ve told my wife just about everyday that I think she is beautiful and I wouldn’t change a thing about her. she just takes that and that’s it. she still rarely puts on make up or decides to change out of her pajamas everyday unless its for work. we can go to the movies or out to eat and she will get dressed but no make up. myself on the other hand I shave, shower, cologne, dressed nice the works but my wife cant muster that up for me? women lose their drive to look good once they’ve gotten married. women are very auditory and want to hear nice things and that you love them. men on the other hand are very visual. we want you to look nice and everything else.

        • jwtroemner Reply

          I think you hit on a big part of it: women like to hear assurances that you love them. Men like to see those same assurances– often through the effort of dressing nice and putting on nice clothes.

          The first step is to actually communicate with one another in a way you can both fully understand, figure out what feedback you need and how to give it to one another on a regular basis.

          It takes a bit of effort, but doing that has saved my marriage.

        • Melissa Reply

          Maybe your wife IS trying to please you and is taking your words at face value. You tell her she is beautiful and you wouldn’t change a thing about her, then you secretly resent her for not wearing make-up? Is she supposed to read your mind? Why not say that you think she is beautiful and you would love to see her in some make up? Maybe the next time you are going out, tell her you would really enjoy it if she put some on? Sometimes women just don’t think about those types of things because we AREN’T visual. I wore plain white under garments for over 15 years of marriage and never thought anything about it, because to me underware is just underware, before my husband instructed me otherwise. I’d talk to your wife before you start taking it personally. And while you’re at it, you could start by asking if there is something she would like for you to do for her that might not have occured to you. Because I’m pretty sure she doesn’t think the fact that you shower and shave is as big of a deal as you do. It’s pretty much basic hygiene.

        • MonicaC Reply

          Do you know all the unhealthy crap that is in makeup? Don’t make you wife wear it.

        • justsayin Reply

          Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30

          Do you have any idea how insecure you are probably making your wife feel? What are you going to do when your wife ages and loses her beauty? Your comment gives me the impression that your primary focus is on her looks – and you don’t think she looks good. Whether you say it or not I’m sure that you are leaving that impression on her. Do you have children? It is a lot of work to selflessly care for a family as women are called to do – a wife, mother & homemakers job is endless & most of the time it’s thankless (unlike a man’s job which is heaped with praise & rewards for jobs well done). Women want to look nice for their husbands. They want their husbands to find them attractive. Godly women can often feel guilty if they invest much time or money to care for themselves. A woman is your crown & if she is disheveled it’s a reflection of your love & care (or lack thereof) for her & you can do something about this. Help her to feel loved. A loved woman is a beautiful woman. You will be amazed by how much life & energy a loved woman has as she begins to feel loved. Put some thought into it & give her a gift… or buy her a giftcard for a day at the spa… JOYFULLY lighten her load once in a while by helping with some of her tasks (help with the kids, dinner, dishes, homework, etc.) & tell her to take some time to care of herself & not feel guilty about it. Do you tell her the things that would encourage you if she did them? Do you study your wife & learn how you can love her better? Are you a Godly man that leads her well & takes care of your responsibilities so that she doesn’t have to worry about your responsibilities on top of her own? If you are expecting that a woman will always look great & that she will be able to invest in herself the way she did before she had the extra responsibilities of marriage, children & age then you’re expecting too much. The women of the world invest too much time & money on themselves & their looks and it comes at a cost – their focus & value is based on their looks rather than the areas of life that God considers important. Help her find balance, but try & see the things in her that God finds beautiful. Tell her she is beautiful & mean it! Invest in your marriage. The most important thing you can do to help your situation is to pray for your wife & your marriage with a spirit of humility. He wants us to confess our own sins, selfishness, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness & lack of love before we beg for change in another. Love God first & ask Him to help you love your wife as Christ has loved us. You will find that you will be blessed as you learn to selflessly love her. I say this to you, not as someone in judgement of you, but rather as one who has offered up painfully honest confessions of my own sinful heart & seen the power of God answer my prayers for my marriage that was teetering on divorce. He is a God of mercy & restoration. He restored my marriage & has blessed us & our children because of it. Maybe your marriage isn’t at the point that mine was, but your comment was very similar to the type of attitude that I used to have in my heart. Don’t let it get to the point that mine was.

          • Kevin A. Thompson

            Justsayin,
            I’m not sure how to respond to your comment. I don’t fully understand it in light of this article. I’m sorry for my confusion.
            kt

      • dave Reply

        maybe if you weren’t so ugly he’d say something

      • Brandy Reply

        I work full-time, go to school full-time, and have two small children. I clean, cook, and chauffer. Not because I’m supermom, but because I take pride in my family. I want them to be just as proud of me as I am of them. Looking good is part of that. When you “let yourself go” you not only lose the attention of your husband, but you lose part of yourself. You lose the feeling that comes along with feeling attractive.

      • Tiffany Reply

        I think they are not talking about being dolled up when he comes home but being clean and smelling good. Being happy when he come through the door. Especially if they have a bad day. Home is where he can relax and unwind. We as wives are supposed to make the home always feel that way.

    • Guin Reply

      Really? EVERY woman is at fault and stops trying first? Grow up.

    • Chris Reply

      It’s an old post, but I have to reply. If a man quits because “his wife stopped trying,” then he mistook his responsibility in his marriage. I don’t show my wife affection and love based on her actions. In fact, there are times when it is in spite of her actions (and yes, sometimes she shows me love in spite of my actions). I am responsible for my attitude, not her attitude. And if others are sitting around complaining about their wives, even if those complaints are valid, I will find myself a different set of people to hang out with. The reality is that people of that nature tend to bring down person with a good attitude, rather than the other way around. Who you surround yourself with matters.

  3. Evan Pederson Reply

    I once had a married (for 25+ years) man in my church give me some advice I’ve never forgotten. He said that he and his wife try to never stop being “the person that the other one would want to go home with at the end of the party.” It’s not exactly the phrasing you’d hear often in a Christian setting, but I think it sums up the idea quite nicely.

  4. Steven Stiefel Reply

    I agree 100%.

  5. Rhonda Reply

    Great article. It’s sad that we read this type of thing and can see how it applies to the other guy, but, hey, it seems to me that maybe if I change MY behavior, good or bad, my husband changes HIS behavior, good or bad. Maybe this article should be read outloud, to a mirror? Or maybe quality of life isn’t worth looking into that mirror? Oh, well, maybe my 25 years of marriage isn’t much, but these day? Hmmm. Just sayin!

    • Julie Reply

      Rhonda, you hit the nail on the head. If you find yourself complaining about some characteristic in another person, most likely it’s something you need to work on with yourself. That is why it rubs you the wrong way.

  6. Melissa Reply

    I am a homeschool mom of three, plus I have a home business. I stay quite busy needless to say. One thing I make sure of is to put an effort forth in how I look. I don’t go to extremes. I just ask myself, would I want to come home to that? Make the time to look good for your husband. Your kids will only be with you for awhile, but your spouse is forever. Cultivate your relationship with one other. Yes it requires work. You don’t just date during the ‘getting to know you’ time. You continue to ‘date’ throughout your marriage. Learning each other, watching each other grow. It’s exciting really! Most of all the journey with your spouse has ‘amazing’ rewards!

  7. kara Reply

    I personally have health problems that cause me to be unable to dress “nicely” everyday and if I am down and just going to lie in bed I am not going to put on my “Sunday best”…with that being said I do dress “nicely” when i go out for any reason except the ER and I have to tell my husband I dont want you to wear that please change into a decent pair of jeans and T-shirt—-and others may think Why would you have to tell him—-It’s so simple—sometimes what make you comfortable and is acceptable to you is not what the other person sees the same….My husband prefers an old baggy shirt and sweat pants (he is always cold) and i think this is not comfortable to him he sees nothing wrong with it so if i dont voice in a loving and that is the key everyone (saying things in a LOVING not im better than you or you owe me tone) then he would never dress nice to go out……So check what you want and they reason you want it and then voice it properly….And by the way he tells me daily that I am beautiful with or without make up and I done always wear very seldom if the truth be told do i put it on, or primp my hair…..But when I do put it on he whistles and tells me how it brings out my eyes and other things to make me feel extra special

  8. Ashley Reply

    Wonderful article!!

    I’m a girl and I love putt putt, I think it’s a great date idea.

  9. Maggie Reply

    This is a great article and I do agree that it is a two way street. I have to pinch myself when I start expecting something from my spouse and realize I am not doing for him. we have been married for 42 years and still continue to work out the little problems. It pretty much come down to the good old Golden Rule.

  10. Kristen Reply

    Great article and ideas! And I am loving the comments, too : ) Well, most of them…

    I would like to point out that not all men want a wife who is all dolled up. I asked my husband if he liked it when I wore makeup–he said it honestly was no big deal to him if I did or did not….he only requests that I keep my hair longer because he likes that. Also he does not care one bit what I wear. I am the same way about him. I do not care what he wears…I only ask that he does not shave his beard because I like it….he keeps it for me even if it bugs him and I try and wear my hair down even though it bugs me : ) Honestly though I do not wear it down as much as I should–making a note right now to wear it down more often… I just wanted to point out that it is wrong to think Oh! If I do not dress up and keep in top shape my husband will leave me! Or he will be tempted to stray. I had one of those husbands once. And I lived a life of fear that if he was not pleased 24/7 he would stray…. so I dressed up and kept up and we “dated” each other and on and on and guess what happened? He strayed and he left my daughter and I with just a phone call. I begged and pleaded and he wanted nothing to do with us. (Thankfully it was the best thing to ever happen to us)

    A few years later I met a man at church who fell in love with me like I never knew someone could. He thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread and longs to spend every single moment with me and our kids. I do not worry anymore that he will leave us if I misbehave or look frumpy all week…he loves me and our children no matter what–unconditionally…THAT is the kind of man to have. I’m so glad the my ex hit the road–because I would have never left him and he was rotten in so many ways! Now I get to be with my best friend and be loved from head to toe all the time. So girls, search and pray for a man that loves you no matter what….no matter 120 pounds or 450 pounds. No matter makeup or dressed up or whatever. Because if you have to worry if you are keeping him happy so that he does not stray he is not worth having anyway. If you have to be giggly and flirting and keep a sparkling home and cook gourmet meals to make him happy, run don’t walk from that dude. Because a lot of times marriage is tough and ugly and it is spit up and fuzzy headed pajama days and someone hold your hair while you puke days and not two pennies to rub together days and lost his job and need food stamps days and burned the pot of beans days….you need someone who loves you at your worst because you won’t always be your best.

    • Brittney Reply

      Love this! This is my husband too. He doesn’t even like makeup. But I do still try to look kind of nice because I think it changes the way I act around him.

    • Marsha Miskin Reply

      still looking for that man.

    • Deena Reply

      Kristen, thank you for this! I feel like the marriage reality check is missing from so many discussions. My marriage experience was very similar to your first marriage. He wasn’t there for worst and my very best wasn’t enough to stop him from leaving me and our daughter. Now that I’m wanting to date again, I often hear that I should wear makeup etc. I completely agree that women should always work to be attractive for their mate, but why does that require make up? If wearing make up is natural to you fine. Personally I reject this advice because it’s not natural to me, I couldn’t keep it up long term, I wouldn’t be showing this person who I truly am. Most of all I don’t want some one’s interest in me to be based on how I look with make up on. If he’s hung up on that how will he ever really see deeper than my skin. Will he love me or resent me on those tough and ugly, spit-up, fuzzy headed pajama days?

    • Chris Reply

      I think the idea of getting dolled up can be taken to extreme. I am thrilled when my wife tries to look nice for me. She doesn’t wear a lot of makeup, and the clothes aren’t fancy. But she will dress in nice casual clothes and spray on a little wonderful smelling perfume. It doesn’t have to be much to make a statement. When I get home, the shirt and tie go, jeans and a t-shirt get put on. However, I will often put on her favorite cologne. That is often all it takes to let her know she is important to me.

  11. Tanya Dennings Reply

    My husband works away from home; he’s only home Fri night thru Sun afternoon. After 15 yrs of marriage & 4 daughters, we still have that magic. It’s not been easy & there have been ups & downs, but being a loving & understanding couple makes it easier for us while he works. I’ve made it a point to have the house completely clean when he comes home, fav snacks in the pantry, etc. Since we only havea short time with him, chores are suspended for the weekend so we don’t have to fuss with kids or spend time doing them ourselves. We’ve learned to just let it go a few days. In the evenings, he rests his head on my lap while we watch a movie and I rub his head. These small things make the weekend something to look forward to. It’s not me dressing up; it’s me paying attention to the little things he enjoys. For me, it’s paying attention to my fav person and having himlavish me with attention as well.

    Find out what your spouse likes and enjoy those moments with him or her. It’s not going to be the same for everyone and don’t expect a change overnight or even a couple months.

  12. Carrie Reply

    For a woman who has been married for 13 years, has three small children and has fought for years to stay in shape- working out hard, taking care of herself by dressing nicely, wearing some makeup and taking care of her hair, I feel this is an important point to other women like me: Do it for Jesus. Your husband may not notice verbally MOST of the time. He may NOT communicate to you what he likes about what you do/don’t do. But when I realize that Jesus is delighting in me, I can keep being the person that my husband would choose to take home at the end of the party without harboring any bitterness or resentment toward my husband’s lack of response. Sometimes your husband’s response is simply his faithfulness to you, his desire to do fun things with you above anyone else, and his own service: providing, and doing housework! 🙂

  13. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher Reply

    Excellent perspective

  14. Sadie Reply

    I really like this article. I do think one point is missing. we have to take time to figure out what it is that makes our spouses feel loved. Sometimes we try hard to do something lovin based on what society tells us that the other gender wants, and it falls short because it did not speak to our individual spouse. And that can change over the years. We have to be willing to grow and change with our spouses, not expect them to remain the same way they were when we met them. For example, I like when my husband tells me I’m beautiful, but if he really wants me to feel loved, he will talk to me about my accomplishments and really listen without looking at his phone or the tv. I wasn’t always this way. I used to just want to feel beautiful, but I have grown and matured and want him to see that there is more to me, if that makes sense.

  15. Chris Carroll Reply

    I love the original article- it sure gives one something to thnk about. Many of the comments add some nice thoughts too – except for Dave. But there is always on in a crowd.
    Am I taking my wife for granted? Do we forget to say those little pleasantries that we used to when we were younger? I would tend to think that most men will at least notice that their partner looks nicer (i.e dressing up for an evening) but maybe just have forgotten to say something.

  16. Donesa Mann Reply

    All these comments are very thought provoking…. Intentional effort to be our best for our husbands or wives, families and Lord. Surely we can’t get ourselves worked up about not being perfect, but we can strive for excellence in everything. We should always invest more than we take out of any relationship. We can try to “outgive” our spouses. Try as I may, I can’t outgive my husband. That makes me want to try all the more. And it is reassuring, to me that when I fall short (frequently), I know he overlooks my mistakes. So I want to correct them for him (and for my own growth). If I don’t know what my spouse likes (because he hasn’t told me or because I haven’t “heard” him), then I am responsible to find out. Ignorance is no excuse). Like mentioned in above comments, it will be different for each relationship. We shouldn’t model ourselves after anyone but Christ. WWJD is cliche’ but a simple pattern to follow. Jesus would serve, live and die for those He loves. Find out what serving means to your spouse in the areas discussed and go for it.

  17. skipalonglittlemisscherry Reply

    I love the article and all the comments except Dave’s. Someone should remove his comment.

    As a young woman who is not in a relationship at the moment, I agree with everything to some extent. The most important is to love your spouse as yourself. This involves loving yourself first, and knowing yourself inside out — what you enjoy, what you hate, what makes you happy, what discourages you, what inspires you and what rubs you the wrong way. And then, apply that to your spouse, and work at loving them the way you know them.

    It varies from person to person. Some husbands like their wives with make-up, while others prefer the natural look. Some husbands are generous with their compliments, while others save them up for only very special occasions. In general, men are visual creatures, and they want to be respected. But as a wife, it is important to go into more specifics, and know your husband well, so that you can love him better, and make him feel loved more.

  18. Joan Wellman Glasspoole Reply

    In marriage it is give and take……I try to ask my husband is this what you want…. I always ask him first and also his opinion……Also I really believe a man and wife need to get away and go somewhere alone.Even a date once a week….. Sometimes they are so busy helping people and entertaining others that they forget to love each other……This is a big mistake.

  19. amn Reply

    “Nothing is more boy-centered than putt-putt” is such a sexist statement.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Amn, it might be a sexist statement. Let’s test it and see. Take 200 married couples. Have 100 men tell their spouses “for our next anniversary, we are going to go play putt-putt.” Then have 100 women tell their spouses, “for our next anniversary, I only want to play putt-putt.” If my saying was sexist, then the response of the people involved should be the same. The problem is, about 90 of the 100 men in the first scenario will either be dead or divorced. Lighten-up, it was an illustration, not a definition upon women.

      • Frgough Reply

        Good for you at not being intimidated by a self-righteous person walking around with a morally superior chip on her shoulder

      • aeryal Reply

        I agree with Amn and saw something that might help you understand in a blog somewhere.. “One of the great problems with humanity is our inability to see ourselves the way other people see us.” Telling someone to lighten up is a common male response to emotions or opinions of another they don’t agree with it seems to me:)

        • Shannon Montgomery (@GrumpCurmudgeon) Reply

          Aeryal, you’re my hero! You’re exactly right about how men dismiss women’s perspectives. Not to call you down, Kevin, but Aeryal has tapped into a dismissiveness that many of us women have experienced. I also found your comment sexist!

          For the record, the problem with your putt-putt illustration is that men and women tend to place different emphases on *anniversaries*. Try it for date night instead of your tenth wedding anniversary, and you’ll probably get roughly equivalent responses. I’ve been minigolfing plenty of times with my husband at *my* instigation.

  20. Amy Reply

    Great article and clearly sparks some debate. My momma told me “take care of your cowboy, because your cowboy takes care of you.” It’s a principle I hold dear in my own blossoming marriage. (We celebrate 2 years on the 19th) Nothing makes me happier than a smile on my husbands face when he comes home and sees that dinner is ready and there is cold beer in the fridge. He enjoys football (I don’t particularly), but I will make sure the munchies he likes are stocked and throw a jersey on and pretend I know what the hell is going on. My sweet man, likewise, has gone out of his way to help clean the house while I have school, or make dinner or study snacks for my girlfriends and me when we are cramming for a test. The thought often crosses my mind “if this were the last day we had together…I’m glad we spent it making one another happy.”

  21. Frgough Reply

    Married for twenty three years with ten children. The key? Take her on a date every Friday night, even if its just locking yourselves in the bedroom with popcorn and a movie.

  22. Nancy Young Reply

    This was a great article and a lot of great responses. I have been married for 31 years now. There of course have been both ups and downs. I am a bit puzzled by all the talk about makeup and getting all dolled up. Everyone has a different situation in their lives, but shouldn’t we really be considering how we treat each other? When a mother is home all day with two toddlers and manages to get a decent supper on the table, do the husbands come home and ask how HER day was? If there are toys still scattered in the living room do the husbands come and say “Boy, it looks like you had a rough day! What can I do the help you!” Sometimes, especially when you have a couple of little ones, all you can do is keep a semblance of order and fix a meal and get laundry done! Remember that mothers work as hard as fathers all day. They are just doing different jobs. Do you husbands help to get the children into bed at night so you can have time with your wife? Do you get up in the middle of the night for a feeding or a sick child? Some of the attitudes expressed here are right out of the 50’s when women were expected to greet their hubby at the door in heels and cocktail in hand.

    It is a two way street and both partners need to look out for and nurture each other. My father never sat down after dinner until all the children were ready for bed. He always helped my Mom. My husband did the same. Don’t make your wife always be the one to arrange the babysitter so you can go out. Suprise her sometime! Wives do the same.

    I have never worn any makeup except a little lipstick and I am not a clothes horse. I will dress up for something special and I try to be neat durring the day, and that is all I expect of my husband. We all want to be loved for who we are as a person. Treat each other with respect and discuss your issues!

  23. Kalee Reply

    Um, excuse you, but in what world is putt-putt boy-centric? I love putt-putt. So do all my friends, for that matter.

  24. jedandamy Reply

    Excellant article. I’ve been married almost 50 years. 42 of those years, I was selfish and looking for reasons to blame my wife for my unhappiness. Over time, I realized how self centered I am. I was angry, arrogant and selfish. A sorry jerk. God is helping me to stop being a jerk and my wife is actually smiling a lot more. I believe selfcentered-ness & accusation destroy a lot of marriages. Why would she want to dress nice or sleep with a “blamer” & complainer? I wish I had read this article 50 years ago. Ladies, don’t marry a selfish, prideful man. He will ruin your confidence and life. I ruined my wife’s. Her love for God and her love for our 6 children gave her strength to put up with a jerk like me. With God’s help, I am going to try to make the last years of our life the best ones. Her happiness and respect mean more now than her make-up. I still like her red lipstick and perfume.

  25. Nora Nell Hughes Thompson Reply

    My husband thanks me for every meal I cook, and always helps or does the clean up. This is the 2nd marriage for both of us. We were both widowed. I only hope and pray that my grand daughters have a man that is even half as wonderful as my 2nd one is. He is very clean about his personal hygiene and even combs his hair before coming to bed. Those things really do matter to me, but he was just that way from the beginning. After being a widow for 17 years, I got the cream of the crop the 2nd time around.

  26. […] into the lackluster zone from time to time, now that we’ve been married more than 16 years. Th... middleplaces.com/2013/08/17/middle-sisters-recommended-reading-vol-8-3-13
  27. […] past month my post, I Wouldn’t Sleep with You Either, received far more likes and views than I... kevinathompson.com/stop-googling-pastor
  28. […] I Wouldn’t Sleep With You Either In less than a month, this became the second most viewed pos... kevinathompson.com/family-update-best-august
  29. […] I Wouldn’t Sleep With You Either This post has become the second most read post of all time. ... kevinathompson.com/septembers-top-posts
  30. […] 1.  I Wouldn’t Sleep With You Either This posts interested me on two fronts. First, it was ... kevinathompson.com/sex2013
  31. […] While the temporary thrill of doing something we shouldn’t be doing can’t be copied, sev... kevinathompson.com/learning-adulterer
  32. […] I Wouldn’t Sleep With You Either […]... kevinathompson.com/players
  33. […] Confidence. While age doesn’t insure self-confidence, it can contribute to it. Women in partic... kevinathompson.com/married-sex
  34. […] 5. She nourishes a healthy physical relationship. Some men might be able to feel respected by their ... kevinathompson.com/five-ways-wife-respects-husband
  35. […] However, those differences disappear in one situation. Nearly every taboo is erased when we are arou... kevinathompson.com/you-will-have-an-affair-if
  36. […] Notice the travesty which is a sexless relationship. Not only is a spouse denied sexual pleasure, bu... kevinathompson.com/greatest-aspect-sex
  37. Gabriel Flanagan Reply

    So…. Your saying that Putt-Putt is the trick to more sex with my wife!!! Kevin, you realize that if you tell everyone this secret the wives will be onto our trickery! LOL. Good read Kevin T.

  38. […] do you ever listen to yourself? Yesterday on my Facebook Page Kevin Thompson shared his post “... tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2015/03/top-10-things-id-say-about-sex-if-i-had-no-filter
  39. Rechelle Knapp Fleck Reply

    First of all, thank you for this insightful article!! A lot of men need to read this. For those men who have commented here “about yeah but what if my wife is…” Let me educate you a little. As a woman, we base a lot of what we are feeling, treated and valued in the way we carry ourselves, look, etc. Although they probably are out there somewhere, I have YET to meet a woman who has let completely herself go or was not eager to meet the needs of her husband when she was absolutely cherished by her man. Has anyone met one? Of course, on both ends, it is a choice. Irregardless, each spouse has the choice to do all they can to make the other feel valued and loved. Are we doing this? Experiment a little and pray for her everyday, lavish attention, compliments, and love on your wife and watch her change – the more you show you want her, the more she WILL want you. I’m a woman, I should KNOW!! The more my husband meets the needs of my heart, the more I want to meet his needs (okay, so “THAT” is a need for me so it goes both ways). All of this creates intimacy and a real connection between husband and wife. The same goes for the wife. We should both be offering ourselves to one another. Now with that said, my husband struggles a great deal with offering himself to me as he should, but by the grace of God, I am praying for my man daily and do my best to be the wife God designed me to be. Even though I do not get all of what I should from my husband right now, I can see him soften as he can see Christ working in me. So, husbands (and wives), please stop with the excuses as marriage is a gift we too often forget was given to us. Don’t neglect it and it will bear amazing fruit,

  40. […] Notice how you talk to your child, friend, co-worker, pastor, bank teller, and even strangers compa... kevinathompson.com/the-warning-sign-of-a-bad-marriage-you-might-miss
  41. desperate Reply

    Then there are a few who purposely don’t put effort in being presentable because it is their desperate silent plea to connect with the intelligence of their spouse rather than the continual physical connection that never seems to end.

  42. Ashley Reply

    I came across this site while searching for ways to “Spice up my marriage” on the internet. It is extremely informative and it gives great insight. Some of the comments on here frustrated me though. Every couples situation is different. To say all women are the same as your wife or all men are the same as your husband isn’t fair. Please consider this before making comments that point fingers :). My situation is like this: I gave up. I was feeling very alone in my marriage and tried to initiate a conversation with my husband about it. It of course turned into a fight. I asked why he didn’t flirt with me anymore, why he didn’t really try anymore. His words to me were : Why should I have to try anymore, I already married you. In that moment I gave up. My confidence took a hit like you wouldn’t believe and a year and a half later we still are in that rut.

  43. […] I Wouldn’t Sleep With You Either […]... kevinathompson.com/what-a-drunk-girl-deserves
  44. […] If you’ve given your spouse the clear impression your only interest in them is getting exactly... hotholyhumorous.com/2017/08/qa-with-j-our-marriage-bed-is-a-mess
  45. sunny-dee Reply

    I have definitely let myself go since I got married, and I have to admit there is an intentionality to it, though it took me awhile to figure it out. My husband is a “gatekeeper” — he refuses to have sex with me except at very specific times that he decides on, so we do it maybe once every 3 weeks (even when trying to conceive). I tried so hard for the first 12-15 months — dressing up. lingerie, perfumes, but it hurt so much to be rejected again and again that finally I just stopped. It feels safe to be in pajama bottoms and a Tshirt, like I’m invisible. If I try to dress up — even basic things, like office or church clothes — I feel ridiculous. I feel so incredibly flawed and like even trying a little is disgusting and pathetic. I hate looking in the mirror, even. It’s gotten better (like, I don’t cry every time a pass a mirror now — hooray!), but I just hate getting dressed up.

    Funny enough, when I was single, I had a ton of friends who didn’t even know that I owned a pair of jeans, because I only wore nice dresses and heels. I felt good about myself then.

    But what do you do then? I’m not the person he first met, and I don’t know how to get back there. If I try, I just feel raw and sad.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Have you two gone to counseling? To me, this is a serious issue which demands outside help.

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